Britney Spears held captive! But goes shopping

February 18th, 2008 // 45 Comments

Britney Spears is supposedly being held hostage in her own house, according to a New York attorney. Apparently being held hostage means shopping in Beverly Hills all weekend. Somebody better let those jackasses at Webster know. TMZ reports:

Attorney John Eardley filed papers in federal court last Thursday, alleging the California courts have railroaded Britney by imposing a conservatorship. Eardley tells us Britney called him, but he would not disclose the circumstances surrounding the alleged call or what she said. We do know that Michael Sands, who used to be the spokesperson for K-daddy’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is now the mouthpiece for Eardley. And Sands also reps Sam Lutfi, who is now restrained from all things Britney.

Not only can’t John Eardley prove Britney Spears even contacted him, legal experts say the chances of Britney’s case going federal are slim to none, according to the AP:

“Anyone who’s under a conservatorship can argue that they’ve lost their civil rights,” said Peter Tiersma, a law professor who teaches trusts and wills at Loyola Law School. “That’s what a conservatorship does, it takes away some of your rights.”
If the federal court were to take jurisdiction of the Spears case, said Tiersma, “that would mean that anyone under a conservatorship could do this, and that’s a loophole you could drive a truck through.”

Hold the phone. If my fifth-grade level comprehension skills are serving me right, if Britney’s case goes federal, someone will drive a truck through her loophole. I’m assuming that’s lawyer talk for face. Let’s see if I can get this ball rolling:

Dear Congressman,

I love America and want to see Britney Spears become a federal case. Some dude just said a truck will totally drive into her melon. I’m 90% sure that would boost the economy. It’s what Jesus and Abe Lincoln would do. Believe me I talked to both of them last night after I ate some leftover sushi. (How long ago was Columbus Day?) Also George Washington was there but he just wanted to play Guitar Hero. P.S. He sucks!

Your constituent,

The Superficial Writer

Photos: Flynet

  1. Mike

    This just isn’t funny anymore. Leave the poor woman alone…

  2. Mike

    Oops, I forgot to say “first”.

  3. FRT

    It sure is nice to see that even though every thing poor Brit has been through lately…she still has not forgot to dress up like a trailer trash harlot!

  4. dude

    Not only should a truck be driven thru her head, but then get Bobby Brown to piss on her remains. Or is that Sam NutFluffer Luftenfucker’s job?

  5. MosesGabby

    Somebody finally forced her to get rid of those nasty hair extensions.

  6. starship

    Maybe her father should have Britney shop at Wal-Mart. It would be a fashion improvement for her.

  7. John G. The Honorable Roberts

    Keep this crazy shit out my courts.
    I hereby direct the federal marshall service and all federal court bailiffs to shoot to kill anyone who attempts to file any bullshit civil actions concerning Britney Spears with the sole exception of actions leading to the incarceration and gang rape of Sam (“Shitdrip Beard”) Lufti.

    So ordered this 18th Day of February 2008
    John G Roberts, Chief Justice
    United States Supreme Court

  8. D. Richards (Saint.)

    Those aloof Spears parents.

    If they had any sense at all about how to confine Britney to her mansion, they’d buy one truck load of Cheetos per every week (Britney loves to mash Cheetos in to her hair) and install one of those cute little coin operated ponies that you see outside of the grocery store — free, of-course.

  9. Kim Kardashian

    All these stupid fucking “shopping” trips. Does she ever buy anything? Fucking twat, help counter the recession bitch.

  10. Racer X


  11. sweet mama

    oh come on this kinda shit doesnt work …. this poor shit is doomed

  12. Auntie Kryst

    Doh, forgot to change names. Seriously though, buy something help the retailers.

  13. The Office Whore

    Does she wake up every morning and rub Lay’s potato chips on her face??

  14. christian

    all of u…GET A LIFE,,whats that shit of first,,,,thats pathetic

  15. veggiwhore

    maybe YER pathetic christian!! ooOOOOooo, gotcha with that one, eh?

  16. sweet

    captive hahaha with cell in hand

  17. sweet

    captive hahaha with cell in hand

  18. sweet

    captive hahaha with cell in hand

  19. Weave Burner

    She need to get a haircut. In this picture she looks like she has short hair anyways, which looks a hell of a lot better than than rotten weave she wears.

    Burn the Weave, Burn the Weave, it must be making you Sneeze.

  20. Dude


  21. Weave Burner

    I just got new contacts and I don’t think they are working. Sorry for the typos above.

  22. lipper

    Ya know, there are some amazing wigs out there made of real hair and everything! But at this point I’ll even take the shitty thinned out hair over the crappy weave.

    It’s like she’s trying really hard to look that bad. I don’t get it.

  23. All you haters just leave Britney alone..

  24. BunnyButt

    Jimbo, that should be “h8ters”, not “haters”; otherwise, we can’t take you seriously.

  25. The Office Whore

    ahaha BunnyButt!!

    and I drank all the wine Jimbo. Well, most of it. The rest is all over my jeans and the welcome mat.. matt? mat? whatever..

  26. Eric

    There’s something unsettling about this whole conservatorship deal. She’s an adult and clearly a fuckup, but I thought walk-around mental illness wasn’t nearly enough to take away control over your money and property. Usually that’s for elderly people who are completely demented, which seems reasonable enough. If she got released from the hospital and the next day went out in the streets naked, raving about the government, then fine, assign somebody else to manage her assets until she’s no longer psychotic. But that’s not the situation at all. It seemed like it took California forever to take away her parental rights, but now they’re going overboard with taking away her assets. That’s a whole ‘nother matter. She’s not fit to be a parent, but she’s fit enough to burn her own money, especially since she herself earned every dime of it.

  27. Thanks Bunny,


  28. Auntie Kryst

    Jimbo, I think you’re channeling Chris Crocker. Dude put down the eyeliner and come out from under that sheet.

  29. Harry Ballzack

    @8 – install one of those cute little coin operated ponies that you see outside of the grocery store

    She decided to try horseback riding once, even though she had no lessons or prior experience. She mounted the horse unassisted and it immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but then Britney began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabed for the horse”s mane, but could not seem to get a firm grip.
    She tried to throw her arms around the horse”s neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway. The horse galloped along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, Britney attempted to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup, and she was now at the mercy of the horse”s pounding hooves as her head was struck against the ground over and over.

    She started to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, saw her and unpluged the horse.

  30. Spazz

    She is a fucking ugly rich bitch, I saw it on What a scabby fat piece of trash.

  31. Grunion

    How about a federal law requiring her to wear a bra and shower?

    I mean whats up with the east – west tits? It’s like they are polarized and can’t get near each other.

    Oh and #1, sorry but this shit is still very funny and only getting funnier.

  32. Sauron

    What a predictable soap this all is,category F.Somehow these pictures are missing something.Maybe a saggy breast hanging outside?

  33. Lowlands

    At last the best healer that’s yourself ofcourse.She’s to find herself back,without the help of others.All alone.

  34. Ted from LA

    The courts need to butt out of her life. She just needs a good babysitter.

  35. Jennifer2

    She is smoking hot. I am so in love with her. BTW, did you ever posted your profile to a celebrity and millioniare dating site called BillionaireCupid dot com? I just saw your profile yesterday on that site.

  36. Jordan

    Why in Gods name isn’t this woman in a hospital!?!? She is obviously sick. She needs to get out of Hollywood. Sadly, I don’t see her living for more than another year if this continues. Someone help her for the love of God.

  37. D. Richards (Whore.)

    #29. Bobbi spells his name with an ‘I’, instead of a ‘Y’.

  38. mamadough

    she looks like a stand-in for monster’s ball

  39. when does this train wreck reach it’s inevitable horrifying conclusion? Seriously.

  40. Capital P

    Yeah really, enough is enough with Britney.
    Leave the girl alone… who cares anymore???

  41. Britn is like a cow and need sex everyday…. Cilck on my name and u l find a great surprise …..

  42. Cap1

    Smoking hot??


    Smoking NOT HOT, as in hideous, as in sub-human. What a horrible looking creature.

  43. moe horowitz

    I’d like to put something through Britney’s loopholes–all three of them.

  44. Vomit

    She could still be hot if she lost some weight, grew her hair out and bleached it blonde, and learnt how to apply make-up properly.

  45. yukadoozer

    I’ma SSlllaaaavve fur U!

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