Britney Spears is reportedly seeking the help of a yoga guru as she plans her career comeback. The pop superstar has been spotted visiting Sikh yoga master Singh Khalsa at his Los Angeles home and sources claim she’s undergoing a course of “sound healing.” During the therapy sessions, which are based on ancient kundalini yoga practices, clients are exposed to sound vibrations as they lie on a special couch.
Sound healing. I see. I guess if I heard my thighs rubbing together like two seals playing twister I’d need some sound healing too. She doesn’t need yoga, she needs Yoda – he could use his jedi powers to lift her fat ass on a treadmill.
theyareidiots | February 24, 2006 at 11:34 am
Yoda! Ha ha
Do or do not, Fatass. There is no try!
rachel | February 24, 2006 at 11:37 am
I thought she was living in Hawaii for the next 3 months? How could she be going to his house in LA?
uncommonamerican | February 24, 2006 at 11:38 am
The “sound healing” by Singh Khalsa consists of K-Fed’s Popozao played at one-tenth speed. Britney thinks it’s the sound of whales mating. Khalsa is totally laughing his ass off in the waiting room.
Juliette | February 24, 2006 at 11:40 am
This just shows you what fame can do to a person. She is honestly fucked up for life.
hotintempe | February 24, 2006 at 11:41 am
Thats an old picture, she looked great in Hawaii.
Zed | February 24, 2006 at 11:41 am
I hope some of the “sounds” she hears include the phrases:
“Leave that loser” and “Hire a stylist immediately.”
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 11:43 am
Girl doesn’t need a feckking yoga master, she needs to attend some basic college courses.
Mr. Fritz | February 24, 2006 at 11:45 am
No amount of yoga can cure her lack of talent. Teenage pop music is over and she is never going to return to her “salad days”. I just saw a commercial on ABC for a very special New Orleans program featuring the media whore herself. She looked a great deal better, but that’s because of editing and spending hours having your hair and makeup done.
Spindoc | February 24, 2006 at 11:46 am
Hmm, I guess the sound of K-Fed yelling “Wheres My Ice-Tea Bitch” and getting blown by strippers isn’t as healing as you would think.
LaydeeBug | February 24, 2006 at 11:51 am
The kundalini (an indian belief I think) also involves the calling out and rising of the snake that lives in the lower part of your back (or your ass!)
Is that bitch a jew, a hindu, a buddhist? God she’s such a flake. She needs to worry about how the warbling from her throat is going to sound if she keeps smoking. She needs to stay on THIS plane of existence to solve her problems cuz kundalini won’t make her a better singer.
drinkthebones | February 24, 2006 at 11:58 am
‘Do or do not, Fatass. There is no try!’
between you and the original post, i didn’t think i was going to survive.
i thought the post was going to be about her trying to get back into shape, not lying on the fucking couch all day long listening to noises. isn’t that what she’s been doing for the past couple of years? you know, for free? now she’s paying to have someone waste her time? perhaps she’d like to try a form of sound therapy that really works: all she has to do is stand up and listen for the sound of my foot hitting her ass.
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 11:58 am
If I may quote a post I saw a week ago,
“She has the vocal range of a coke can.”
Before Cletus takes all of your money, honey – go get yourself educated.
Poor silly thing.
always answer b | February 24, 2006 at 11:59 am
If this doesn’t work, she can try hypnosis next… “On the count of three, you will be in a relaxed state… one, two three… Good… now, put down the Cheetos and go kick your husband’s silly trailer trash ass.”
downshine | February 24, 2006 at 12:11 pm
#7, WORD!
Zed | February 24, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Singh Khalsa just called Brit in Hawaii. He cancelled her sound-healing sessions, labeling her as “hopeless in so many aspects.” (This from a man who “embraces all”!!)
There was mention of her vocal range being that of a coke can. He said he was actually frightened to learn she will soon be singing “blues music.” He said he didn’t like the smell of her feet remaining in the room even in her absence, and he mentioned that she needs to shower and comb her hair daily. And wear makeup. And not encourage her 5-month-old son to drive the family SUV on LA highways.
His final words to her were: “Leave that loser” and “Hire a stylist immediately.”
Very, very wise man. A sage.
Chris'sMom | February 24, 2006 at 12:19 pm
On first thought, I wander where K-Fed is and what STD he is catching to bring home. “Look honey, I caught a big one and it sures is a strong one. Stubborn too!”
On second thought, maybe Britney decided to go listen to other sounds because she got tired of hearing her skin stretch.
DuckBoy | February 24, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Everyone watch Good Morning America this Tuesday….live show and she’ll still look GREAT (no editting needed).
I love how this site uses old pics too, very classy.
Here’s a recent one of her on the Will and Grace set:
http://www.britneyres.com/albums/Television%20Shows/2006/Britney%20On%20Will%20And%20Grace%20Preview%20-%20Set%201/3.jpg
check it out bitches
LoneWolf | February 24, 2006 at 12:41 pm
“Please to clench buttocks and release tension”
“Butt-tawks? Mah butt don’t talk…well, sometimes after we eat Mexican it does….Y’all got any Cheetos round here?”
“Please to focus…breathe deep. Please to remove cigarette from mouth first.”
“These sweats shur are tight. Aint ‘chall got any extry-extry larges? Mah back fat’s gettin’ all sweaty.”
“Now, Britney…please to close eyes and
say, ‘ohmmmmmm’”.
“Why, y’all sound better ‘n ah do when ah sang…ah’m outta heah. Kay-vin! Git the baby outta the farplace and put down Haji’s hookah pipe – we’re leavin. And let’s stop up to the 7-11…Mama’s runnin low on Slim Jims and it’s a long way home.”
dimestoredetective | February 24, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Needs sound healing after hearing F-Ked in the shower singing POPOZAOU POPOZAOU!
dimestoredetective | February 24, 2006 at 12:43 pm
whoops I meant K-Fed
thetruthhurts | February 24, 2006 at 12:45 pm
Re: #17
Hmmm…I don’t know about the rest of you, but it doesn’t matter to me how she looks now or how she’ll look in the future…this pic of her is REAL and we now all know that this is what she really looks like under all the makeup and good lighting, etc. Blech!
I hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight Brit Brit ’cause honey, it’s OVER!
GothamGuy | February 24, 2006 at 12:46 pm
There are basically two kinds of users on this site. The ones who actually care about how new the pictures and “information” are and then there are those of us who actually have our own lives and don’t care about celebs.
We come here to laugh, while the former breed plays Bonnie Fuller Jr. factchecking theuperficial.com for date and time tags and crosschecking their Star, People and OK mag copies for accuracy. I don’t care about accuracy…I care about laughing to the point where I almost get fired.
Those of you who do seek truth and justice for Tom Cruise and Kevin Federline, please turn in your login IDs and never, ever come back. The rest of us will enjoy classics like, (the new Bond) looks like his face was carved out of yogurt.
Which brings me to this, whoever posted the last three is the brilliant SF.com writer. Only he/she should be writing everyday. I can tell when this person writes.
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 1:09 pm
GothamGuy – I think I just wet myself…the yogurt comment is a classic!
Thank you for your wisdom — may you post often.
derekd | February 24, 2006 at 1:26 pm
If I’ve wrote it once I’ll write it a thousand times but everytime I see this picture of britney the words OINK OINK mysteriously pop in my head. I wonder why? I wonder if K-Fed tires of eating pork for dinner every night.
rori | February 24, 2006 at 1:29 pm
#18, Lone Wolf:
I love you. Please procreate with me. Such genius would certainly result in very smart children.
Doc | February 24, 2006 at 1:38 pm
The yoda comment was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile… have to admit…
carrie bradshaw | February 24, 2006 at 1:47 pm
This girl doesn’t have to do a single thing. All she has done in the past year is get married and have a baby, something millions of women do every year. And even though she is certainly not at her physical peak like she might have been in the past, she still generates a ton of publicity, and manages to get herself in the news pretty much every day. She can’t have a comeback, because she hasn’t gone anywhere. The thing she can and most likely will do, is come to her senses, get rid of Kevin, get back in shape, and come out with a new album, which will reflect all her innermost personal thoughts and emotions, and how she has just learned so much from all her experiences and what it has taught her. Everyone will ooh and ahh, clap their hands in admiration, and just love her for it.
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 1:52 pm
“…come out with a new album, which will reflect all her innermost personal thoughts and emotions, and how she has just learned so much from all her experiences…”
Carrie, are you high?
No offense to you, but Britney doesn’t even write her own songs – you think just because she had a kid, she’s suddenly Bob Dylan?
If she gains a shred of intelligence from popping out a PopoZao, I’ll eat my panties.
LaydeeBug | February 24, 2006 at 1:54 pm
If I squint my eyes, it looks like it reads “Britney gets help from Jaeger Meister”
Grphdesi23 | February 24, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Maybe Britney can call Tanya Harding and take the class together. That bitch is
F-A-A-T!
LaydeeBug | February 24, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Britney is a marketing creation. The Devil’s right. She writes songs like I write bathroom poetry.
meFailEnglish? | February 24, 2006 at 2:01 pm
#27, I think you left out “and there was a great earthquake. The sun became black as sackcloth, and the moon became as blood”
dr. kenneth noisewater | February 24, 2006 at 2:05 pm
that sound she hears is the theme music from “hollywood squares”…your career is over baby
Spindoc | February 24, 2006 at 2:12 pm
#17
Maybe I am wrong, but I’m calling you out on that Picture. Not true, those pics of her in Hawaii are RECENT, and she doesn’t have the same length or color hair as she does in this supposedly recent pic from the Will and Grace set. The fact that her arms are several inches thinner also makes me suspect that that is a pre-K-Fed pic. If you gotta lie and insert fake pics to protect your little hero maybe your hero ain’t worth protecting.
Shaun | February 24, 2006 at 2:15 pm
These comments are great. Excellent posts from everyone. Made my lunch break. Thanks. LOL.
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 2:16 pm
LaydeeBug – your check is in the mail.
miadm2002 | February 24, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Britney is so over!! She should have never been. She can’t sing. She steals other artist’s dance moves and thinks shes God. Please, a comeback. Yeah, come back, pack your bags and head for the hills. Didn’t like her before, don’t like her now. No talent, no sense equals no plans for the future!!!!
innit | February 24, 2006 at 2:34 pm
“No offense to you, but Britney doesn’t even write her own songs – you think just because she had a kid, she’s suddenly Bob Dylan?”
LMAO — brilliant :D
DuckBoy | February 24, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Britney DOES write her own songs now! Take it from a Brit fan who bought her last album.
She wrote everything on there with the exception of 2-3 songs
For Everytime and her preggers song Someday she even composed the music on the piano (which she plays)
SO STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DuckBoy | February 24, 2006 at 2:36 pm
wow when she was 16 and did her first album someone else wrote the music, big deal
tipsymcstagger | February 24, 2006 at 2:38 pm
DuckBoy – if you weren’t so sad you’d be funny. Poor kid… Send my sympathy to the other “Brit fans” (scary, scary concept) out there, would you?
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 2:38 pm
DuckBoy – I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. You’ll never get back that $16.99 you spent on that piece of s**t album.
The only way I’d believe that Britney plays piano is if you said she played it with her labia.
downshine | February 24, 2006 at 2:42 pm
whether she writes her own songs or not she’s still the fat-lazy ass- chainsmoking-white trash-piece of shit that married K-Fed
that-dog-is-shifty-eyed | February 24, 2006 at 2:45 pm
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town. Once it was Britney. That was exciting.
justforkicks | February 24, 2006 at 2:49 pm
ouch this thread is ruff. that pic of her doing will and grace was taken less than two weeks ago. i don’t know how they do it but somehow they make her up and have her wear tummy tucking things to make her look skinnier. the hawaii pics were taken in the last week. so both are recent. pretty amazing.
and who the frig needs vocal talent to be famous anyway? she’s not rich and famous because she can sing. neither is Madonna. she is so gonna come out on top and all you haters will hate even more. having a baby changes EVERYBODY. her decisions, image, and everything else will be better from now on. she’ll make another album that sells millions, she’ll lose the 10 (gasp!) lbs that she needs to lose, she’ll get rid of sperm doner guy and i’m sure she won’t be unhappy with all that $$$$ and a beautiful baby keeping her busy.
ESQ | February 24, 2006 at 2:53 pm
Hey Superficial you stated it best when you said, “She doesn’t need yoga, she needs Yoda – he could use his Jedi powers to lift her fat ass on a treadmill.”
In response to comment, #22 – Thanks a lot for your comment, so dead on!
To elaborate on comment #27 – Did anyone ever notice that when someone is going through a rough time in his or her life sometimes have a tendency to let themselves go? Perhaps Britney is going through a rough time by finally realizing K-Douche is not what he was cracked-up to be (whatever the fuck that was to begin with) and is afraid to just admit this to her fans. Notice how she never defends him publicly. I think she is just a scared, lost soul in desperate need of the following:
1) Money counselor
2) Lawyer
3) Psychologist
4) Personal trainer
A “sound healer” sounds like a crock of shit to me.
I think she needs to just save face – kick this guy in the balls, pay him off so she can go back to that cute little girl we all used to jerk-off while watching “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
Devil Is Chrome | February 24, 2006 at 2:55 pm
“haters” – oh, I just laugh out loud every time I hear that word.
ms.vreeland | February 24, 2006 at 3:09 pm
even paris hilton’s indecent exposure of knickers and nipples don’t inspire me enough; hence triggering me to post comment.this little wart should really never retire,and prepare to take over mariah’s reign of the landsharks.
And Duckboy, i completely agree..that picture of her in red is really really classy- working class girl trying to pull off italian couture look -classic
innit | February 24, 2006 at 3:26 pm
I remember when Britney was doing that Onyx Hotel Tour thing and they televised the show she did here in Miami. She was clearly lip-syncing. Even funnier though was when she performed that Everytime song. They had brought out a piano, and she sat down and looked to be playing… but then a moment into it she got up to perform and the piano part kept going. LOL, I thought that was just the stupidest thing ever. God, whatever happened to real musicians… *sniff* :(
dr. kenneth noisewater | February 24, 2006 at 3:41 pm
hey duckboy, i’ve written a few songs myself – there mostly about taking a doodie – does that mean i’m an accomplished musician?