Britney Spears court documents reveal child abuse investigation

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Britney Spears has been under investigation for child abuse and neglect by the Department of Children and Family Services, according to court documents released yesterday. The department tried to gain access to documents in her custody battle with Kevin Federline, but Britney requested in October to keep everything sealed, according to Page Six:

“I try to keep the children’s travel and transportation plans as confidential as possible in order to minimize the chances that unscrupulous journalists will gain unwelcome access to me and the boys. Such information greatly increases the chances that the actions of the media could threaten the safety of the children by, for example, causing a traffic accident or by exposing them to criminals who might target them for financial gain.”

A lawyer for Children’s Services filed this response to Britney’s request:

“Based upon its investigation to date, it should be noted that [the Department of Children and Family Services] has concerns of its own regarding the safety and welfare of the children if the children are left in the mother’s care.”

I bet you my girlfriend’s paycheck Britney Spears is now part of the civil service exam. It’s just a picture of her face with the following multiple choice question:

Should this woman be allowed to:

A. drive a car.

B. rear children. (Please yell “Fire in the hole!” after circling.)

C. publicly perform.

D. none of the above.

While D is the correct answer, it should be noted that B is rigged to an explosive device that will detonate should someone be stupid enough to circle it. But, don’t worry. During the trial studies, even a chimp knew something was up. He scratched his head for a minute then chose/threw feces at A. Hey, he’s a chimp. He thinks everyone should be allowed to drive but mostly him. And to the liquor store.