Britney Spears adopting Chinese twins

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There’s no way in hell this can be true, but supposedly Britney Spears is adopting twins from China. She feels lonely from losing custody of her own children so she decided to get new ones. On top of that, Britney also dropped roughly $50,000 on her own funeral arrangements, according to a source for News of the World:

“It doesn’t seem that Britney has thought this through completely. Adoption and a funeral? The two don’t exactly go hand-in-hand.
“Paying for a funeral is a sensible thing to do–but not when you’re only 25!
“It’s a case of too much, too soon with Britney.
“Not a week goes by without something strange happening to her now. She’s doing herself no favours.”

Britney Spears isn’t allowed near her own kids, so I highly doubt the government is going to allow her to perform international adoption. In fact, I’m pretty sure our government is going to be a bit more vigilant with celebrities considering they failed to prevent exposing Paris Hilton to the world’s most dense population. Nice one. Way to let the Chinese army, largest in the world, have it burn when they pee. They’re going to be totally cool with that and not, I dunno, initiate World War III in a herpes-fueled rage or anything. It’s a good thing I built that porn bunker in my backyard. Not only did it effectively replace my ex-wife, but now it will save me from nuclear holocaust. Wow, porn bunker, is there anything you can’t do?