Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers

A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but she does remember a table full of lots and lots of goodies that Papa let her eat if she said her lines right. It was like being in a play everyday!
And, so, while Papa reminded Bertney about her movie, he told her some very exciting news: One of her co-stars was coming to visit!
“A co-star?” Bertney asked Papa, “Like them things you put drinks on that I always think are cookies?”
“Haha, no,” Papa said. “A co-star is like a friend who helps you make a movie.”
“A friend!” Bertney squealed. “Oh boy!” Now she was really excited. Maybe they’d play Barbie dolls together or eat great big bowls of ice creams until their bellies hurt. Bertney loved ice cream.
As Bertney waited by the door thumping her leg excitedly, Papa explained that their special guest was pregnant, so Bertney would have to leave her cigarette sticks up in her bedroom. Normally, this would make Bertney very angry, but she was just so happy to have a friend to play with, she didn’t even argue with Papa. It was going to be a good day.
The doorbell! Bertney rushed to open the door and standing there was a very pretty lady with a big, big belly. But something was different about her skin.
“Did God paint you?” Bertney asked her.
“BERTNEY JEAN!” Papa yelled as he raced to the door to apologize.
“Oh, it’s alright,” said the lady smiling nicely. “Bertney asked me that very same question the first time we met. Do you remember that day, Bertney?”
Bertney tried to think really, really hard until she had trouble standing and almost fell right into the nice lady.
“That’s okay. Why don’t we go inside, and I’ll tell you all about what’s happening with my tummy? It has to do with babies!”
Bertney loved babies, and soon she was sitting out by the pool with the nice lady who said her name is Zoe Saldana. It was a funny name to say, and Bertney couldn’t help but say it over again and again while racing around the pool.
“Now, Bertney, I was just in a movie called ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ that had a very funny talking raccoon in it.”
Bertney already liked where this going.
“And while some of my co-stars are visiting very sick children in the hospital, I thought it’d be nice to visit my very special friend and tell her all about the babies growing in my belly.”
“Babies?” Bertney asked. “You mean you can fit more than one in there? Holy shit!”
Now this was a bad word for Bertney to say, but she always gets very excited when talking about babies. Mostly because every time she asks Papa if she can have one of her own, he tells one of the bodyguards to hold her while another one gives her a shot and everything feels all woozy oozy. Bertney doesn’t like shots.
“That’s right,” Zoe said. “But I want you to keep that a special secret between you and me. Can you do that?”
“Yes!” said Bertney right away. She didn’t know what she just agreed to, but Papa always wants her to keep special secrets like that time she stole that picnic basket from that family who wouldn’t wake up and there was ketchup all over her and them and the riding mower she used to get to park, so yes seemed like the right word for Bertney to say.
“Wonderful!” Zoe said. “This has been a very nice visit, Bertney. I have to leave now, but who knows? Maybe I’ll stop by soon – with two special guests.”
“Bert and Ernie?!” Bertney asked excitedly. Who else could she be talking about?
“Oh, Bertney,” Zoe laughed while gathering her things and heading out the door. And soon it was Bertney’s time to leave. She had a “lawngeray” show to go to, and Papa didn’t want her to be late. Soon, Bertney was in a fancy dress, and all the flashing cameras were shining her face while people yelled lots and lots of questions. She didn’t know what any of them meant, but Papa always says the same exact words before every event:
“Don’t talk too much, but don’t talk too little. I can’t have people figuring out you’re retarded. We’ll lose the goddamn house. Stop playing games on your phone while I’m talking to you!”
Bertney knew what she had to do.
“Zoe Saldana has two babies in her belly!” she yelled as loud as she could. This got everybody very excited. They all started pulling out their phones and talking very, very fast. It was like watching ants, Bertney thought. She loves ants.
But then Papa pulled her off the stage and soon they ran to the car. He seemed awfully angry, so Bertney started to cry.
“Now, now, Bertney Jean,” Papa said. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at Zoe Saldana for telling a little girl like you such a big, big secret and expectin’ you’d keep it.”
“Who’s Zoe Saldana?” Bertney asked. She honestly didn’t know.
“Oh, Bertney,” Papa laughed. “Let’s get you some ice cream.”

The End.

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