Bertney And The Belly

October 24th, 2013 // 38 Comments

Bertney And The Belly
An Early Reader Adventure

Bertney knew she wasn’t supposed to leave the dance studio without covering her belly up, but the ice cream truck was right outside.
“If people see your belly, they wouldn’t believe you’re a dancer, and then we can’t go on tours anymore,” Papa had warned her.
Bertney liked being with the other dancers. They played dress up and had sleepovers and one dancer even put two babies in her belly that she gets to watch cartoons with. Bertney loves cartoons. But sometimes the baby boys would call Bertney “Mama.”
“Silly babies,” Bertney would tell them. “Only grow’d ups can be mamas.”
Then they would laugh and laugh until the boys went to their other home the nice judge at the courthouse said they had to live in. Bertney wished she had two homes to live in.
“Two kitchens means two fridge-a-rators with TWO times the ice cream!” Bertney would tell Papa while he tucked her in and checked for monsters under the bed.
“I suppose it would,” he’d always say with a smile.

The End

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. only grow’d ups can be mamas…..i literally LOL’d.

  2. Dox

    ” Bertney caught the flash off the camera lens at the last moment, and felt her heart drop into her stomach. She knew she wasn’t supposed to have pictures taken of her in her special workout clothes.

    Her hands shook with trepidation as she pushed the door open, ready to rush the photographer with Rhino like grace. But a pressure on her shoulder stopped her, and turned her around.

    There was daddy with a frown, holding her sweat shirt. He dropped it into her hands, shaking his head yes.

    Flushed with embarrassment she quickly put it on, and pushed out the door towards the Ice Cream truck.

    So intent was she, on her adventure into the land of Rocky Road, she missed the sound of the industrial sized Air Conditioner as it plunged off the roof, and sent her plunging into darkness.

    Daddy sighed, and pushed the door open, knowing much like a cockroach, the only thing that would ever really kill Bertney was when our sun went supernova, or Kim Kardashian grew a soul.”

  3. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Man, they must have her on some HEAVY medication….

    Any of you pillheads have any guesses what she’s taking?

    • Dox

      Probably….
      Lexapro, Stavzor, and Risperidone…. at least that’s my guess. She doesn’t look fat, so much as she looks backed up. Stavzor can do that too you…. and she doesn’t have the Drug Zombie look a lot of people get on Lithium Carbonate…..

      This is a guess based on a picture, and vague hints at her clinical diagnosis. So…. yeah.

      • Deacon Jones

        What would happen to me if I took a lithium carbonate pill?

        Would I enjoy it or would I lose my shit?

      • Dox

        Honestly? Probably nothing. Lithium requires time to build to a therapeutic level. So, generally when someone takes it, they don’t see the effects of it for 3-4 weeks.

        Essentially, its a very old mood stabilizer. Its used for treatment in individuals with disorders such as Bipolar Disorder (Which is what Britney is rumored to suffer from.)

        The newer meds are the ones that you are more likely to see significant adverse reaction if you take them, and don’t suffer from their prescribed purpose. Meds like Prozac, or Paxil could possibly make you “lose your shit” so to speak. And by that, I mean suicidal and homicidal mentation. So, don’t take them. Unless prescribed.

        Meds like Thorazine are actually horse tranq’s used to treat Psychosis…. and trust me, you really don’t want to take them if you aren’t prescribed.

        Hope that helps clear it up a bit, man.

      • Jenn

        I do know Lexapro is a soul sucker. Ick. If she’s taking it, I’m surprised she’s walking, much less dancing. I hated that stuff for the very short time I took it.

      • Back in the 70′s I took some Thorazine when I was drunk as hell. I blinked and it was the next day.

      • Deacon Jones

        lol vito

  4. The Bomb Cliche

    Fish: this was priceless!

  5. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    You can see it in her eyes. She’s a tired girl. Wouldn’t it be great for her to accept Christ, begin to live life as a true Christian. What could be possible then? Now that would be awesome.

  6. Fresco

    Damn, Fish, but you can write. I hope you finish that book some day.

    • Fresco

      I have never commented on my own comment before, but I’m doing it now. That is how serious I am. Write a book. Thank you.

  7. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    How many more years until her children can be her legal guardians?

    • crb

      Seeing as how common it is for people in The South, through the miracle of inbreeding, to technically be their own mee-maws,..

      Not long.

  8. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    Notice half the pics are of her pulling at the door, trying to figure out why it won’t open.

  9. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone help Britney get to the outside world. She has been pulling at that door all morning.

    “Well I pulled it to get in here. Stupid door!”

  10. Convex

    Fish at his finest; I declare this one a masterpiece. *gives a standing ovation* Bravo.

  11. EnglishTeacherAnni

    A+, Mr. Fish. For your next assignment, please turn in a Bertney story written from the point of view of a Chicken McNugget.

  12. yup

    Lovin’ these Bertney stories. Quotes with her mentioning Cheetos and “fu-runch fries” just never get old…

  13. Mark.A

    Making fun of mental illness says a lot about the type of person that you are. It’s ignorant and cruel. Educate yourself about mental illness and think twice about what you are putting out in the world and teaching your audience. You can be funny and witty without using people’s suffering or handicaps as your target. That takes talent, hopefully you have some.

    • Do you have even the slightest idea what this forum is all about?
      No? Then stick around and pay attention.
      Yes? Then go away and never return. Nobody gives a fuck about you anyway, so no great loss.

      • Party Tits

        The Britney stuff is not really funny, and I even love “South Park” for fuck’s sake. But there’s a difference between satire/ what “South Park” does, and this forum. Also, Fish can’t finish a book because a book requires more than endless insults. So, go grow something besides a bonespur, you shithumping stank stain.

      • Mark.A

        I know what this forum is about, that is why I posted the comment bonehead. And do you really think saying no one gives a fuck about me on this site is in any way going to affect me or offend me? THAT’s funny. Anyways I’m sure everyone gives such a fuck about you here.

    • Christ Aguilera

      This website is called The Superficial.

  14. OMG I am dying and crying at this write up.

  15. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    MilwaukeeJoe
    Commented on this photo:

    Is the point of this that she’s supposed to look bad? Because, uh, she doesn’t. At all. Maybe she’s crazy, but she’s still hot.

    • fap

      …just not Hollywood hot. People there get paid to be attractive, so if they slip we get to pick on them.

    • Skeeter

      Agree. She’s not as hot as she once was but I’d still be happy to eat her asshole and bang her as often as possible.

  16. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    crb
    Commented on this photo:

    … and that was the day Bertney finally realized the truth of those horrors Nietzsche describes about The Abys-,

    -Nope; just Furnch Frahs, turns out…

    Oh, well.

  17. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey, c’mon, girlfriend. Let’s go hit the shower…

  18. PinkyTuscadero

    I love you Fish and I think the comedy here is solid (the grow’ed ups line must have been satisfying to tap out.) BUT. I dunno, man. Britney has always had my sympathy and I think the whole ha-ha-she’s-a-tard thing is like shooting… fish in a barrel. Move on.

  19. AnnaD.

    I laughed so hard at the intro, perfectly in sync with her soulless stare drifting out the window.

  20. So, so cruel… but so funny!

  21. Britney Spears Fat Gut Sports Bra Dance Studio
    Commented on this photo:

    How long does it take to open a door ?

  22. jnk

    You had me at “fridge-a-rators” Fish. Please have the next story include “bisketti,” so I can judge my toddler.

  23. Alice Munro ain’t got shit on you, Fish.

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