Bertney And The Baby Goose

October 18th, 2013 // 15 Comments

Bertney And The Baby Goose
by Shel Silverstein

Bertney liked being on radio shows. They always had her favorite candy while she waited. But Bertney didn’t like when her publicist made her remember answers while she was trying to eat her candy.
“These words don’t fit in my brain,” Bertney would say between bites of Skittles.
What Bertney did like was talking about her dreams. Sometimes she dreamt about seeing her old friends from the Mickey Mouse Club, like Ryan Gosling, and she couldn’t wait to tell everybody the next morning.
“Well, what did y’all do in your dreams?” Papa would always ask while pouring a bowl of Froot Loops. Bertney liked Froot Loops for breakfast.
“Just talk,” Bertney would answer. “Talk and talk and talk. Sometimes about ice cream!”
But these radio hosts didn’t want to talk about dreams. They just wanted to talk about a sex movie. Bertney didn’t like sex movies, but she did like James Franco. Bertney had no idea who he was, but his name was fun to say.
“Who do you think should be in
Fifty Shades of Grey?” the host asked.
“James Franco!” Bertney squealed. “James Franco James Franco James Franco!”
The hosts started to make a frowny face, but Bertney didn’t know what was wrong. Suddenly, Papa came in the room with lollipops, and everything was all better again. Bertney loved lollipops.

The End

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. the new britney story format is pure win.

    • What the McBeef said. Seriously, was scrolling past Britbit stories until now, because I’m always thinking “there she is again with her FAS eyes and wide open mouth full of titanium chompers because the real ones fell out from no brushing and lots of candy & meth, so sad, ho-hum, moving on …”

  2. Dox

    And yet… Bertney felt something was left out. Almost as if she had forgotten the very thing that defined her.

    Her lips pursed in a pout as she struggled to consider what that was. But thinking was soooo hard. She hated the way it made her feel. Like on the bus, near those strange Japanese men.

    She paused a moment, reflecting on that fateful day in her Sailor Moon outfit… and never saw the runaway horse and carriage that plowed through her, ending all such musings for quite some time.

    Her father stood shocked, staring at the end of his paycheck. Slowly, he shook his head yes, and trudged towards the mangled wreckage….

  3. These Bertney stories make me sad.

  4. Cock Dr

    Replace lollipops with smokes and I think you’ve got it.

  5. the Dude

    These Bertney chronicles are like afternoon candy for me.

  6. Inner Retard

    This is truly guilt free entertainment. We can have fun and Bertney can’t read or understand this so she won’t be hurt.

  7. Britney Spears Crazy Eyes Derpface BBC Radio One
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice finger nails!

  8. Hey Fella, Are You George Zimmerman?

    1st Burtney story = : )

    2nd Burtney story = “Meh.”

    3rd Burtney story = : (

  9. Joe Blow

    smh… and not at Britney.

  10. crb

    You know what Bertney? “James Franco” is fun to say.

    It reminds me of Spaghetti-O’s!!

  11. sup

    Watch any interview with Britney and she acts like someone completely deserving of the title “America’s Sweetheart”. Why does every pop culture person have to be jaded and/or cynical and/or witty and/or pseudo-intelligent? Her personality is genuine and refreshing. Who cares if she’s not the smartest person. Just because she had an emotional breakdown fueled by 30 cars following her constantly during her postpartum depression and a divorce like, 5-6 years ago means she’s retarded? Fuck these britney stories tbh.

  12. hahahahahahah omg. these bertney stories are soooo amazing. i’m a big britney fan AN CAN APPRECIATE THE HUMOR. the whole dad thing is spot on. KEEP EM COMING

  13. Britney Spears Crazy Eyes Derpface BBC Radio One
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve never been a Britney fan but she looks healthy and happy – wishing the same for Lindsay.

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