Bertney Quit ‘X-Factor’

January 10th, 2013 // 29 Comments
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After realizing $15 million and a dressing room stocked with fried chicken and tater salad wasn’t going to change her into an umbrella-wielding Baby Huey, Simon Cowell was set to fire Britney Spears from the next season of X Factor except her people beat him to the punch by saying she quits and wants to “focus on her music” which is code for she has no fucking clue what’s going on but got pancakes this morning after promising not to talk to the microphone people. Us Weekly reports:

Spears signed a whopping $15 million contract for one season — and show runners were disappointed with the energy she brought to the show. “They paid all that for her to say ‘amazing,’ and offer half-claps,” a second insider said. Co-creator Simon Cowell, a third source said “wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney.”

Call me old-fashioned, but if you’re trying to capture an on-camera freakout, maybe a smart idea would have been to not let her have free reign to get up and do whatever she wants even in the middle of filming. Seriously, all it would’ve took is one person saying, “No, Britney, you can have the six piece nugget, not the 20,” and she’d beat at least three contestants to death with a camera before someone finally tackled her and got her clothes back on. That or make her listen to Demi Lovato talk about bulimia and watch her mind explode. “You no put food in tum-tum? Bertney head so confused… Bertney SMASH.”

Photos: Splash News

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  1. Britney Spears X Factor
    Phoenix
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh, the things I’d like to put on that tongue.

    • Duct tape? Super Glue?

      • my guess was ‘brown acid’. now that I consider that though, on Bertney it would probably just make her lucid and articulate, spouting off on quantum physics theories.

    • Randal

      It’s certainly going to be tough for X-Factor to compete against American Idol, now that Britney is moving on. Despite her putting the show on the map, I think it’s a good move for her with her next hit album and tour on the way.

      She made garbage TV worth watching, and I wish her all the best.

      Randal

  2. Britney Spears X Factor
    Phoenix
    Commented on this photo:

    “Near. Far. Wherever you are. I believe that the heart will go on.”

    Meaning she looks like Celine Dion here.

  3. Britney Spears X Factor
    SugarLips Norm
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like the washed up blond on 30 Rock. Oddly enough, their careers are about at the same place.

  4. Her name is Britney. Please lay off the Bertney ? Thank you.

  5. JC

    That “Bertney SMASH!” line made me realize that I’d watch the hell out of an Incredible Hulk movie starring Bertney. No question.

  6. Britney Spears X Factor
    Juch
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor Simon! Don’t you hate it when exploiting a mentally ill single mother goes wrong?

  7. About time. Being judged by the Queen of Autotune, what a fucking joke.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      Better Britney than whatever show has Stinky Vinaj as a “judge”.

      • Neither have any business judging anyone, no hit wonder Demi Lovato either. How insulting must it be for Mariah Carey to have to sit next to that talentless twit clown and listen to her judge people’s talent.

      • don’t feel too bad for Mariah, I’m sure she’s too high to have any idea wtf is going on around her.

  8. I have no idea how those contestants could stand there and be judged by the “Queen of Autotune (thanks El Jefe) and not burst out laughing. She sucks and is a washed up train wreck.

  9. Britney Spears X Factor
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    “Britney! Why are you leaving ‘X Factor?’”
    “Burger King needs a new manager, y’all! I can’t wait to have a name tag! I forget it sometimes!”

  10. So attempting to harness mental illness as a rating ploy proved trickier than even Simon Cowell could imagine.

    Looks like there might be something to that fundamental human decency stuff after all.

    • I call your ‘human decency’ and raise you one ‘Here comes Honey Boo Boo’ and one ‘All my babies Mamas’.

      • Call. I’ve got what makes life livable; you’ve got a horrible modern trend towards scraping shit off the bottom of our collective cultural barrel and pretending it is in any way appropriate for human consumption.

        Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, I think I still win.

  11. Let’s pretend for a minute we don’t know any of these people. Here’s how The Onion headline would read:

    WEALTHY BRITISH MAN FAILS IN ATTEMPT TO EXPLOIT MENTALLY ILL WOMAN.

    Britney’s manager/fiance, Jason Trawick, rolled Simon Cowell for $15 million and gave him nothing in return.

    Yanks 1, Brits 0.

  12. Britney’s leaving “X-Factor?” Well THAT does it! I never watched that debacle before, and now I’ll NEVER watch it again!

  13. If Simon Cowell wants a judge who WILL bring the crazy on X-Factor, two words:

    Lindsay. Lohan.

  14. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know shit from squat.

  15. Britney Spears X Factor
    Commented on this photo:

    “New music? I thought they said new McRib!!!”

  16. Cowell paid 15 mill for crazy but fired Paula Abdul, pendejo.

  17. Six thousand homeless veterans in California and this porky old boot gets 15 million fucking dollars for… for what, exactly?
    Not that I speak for the allmighty, but DAMN, America, you have got to be on real shaky ground here. Buy property in Canada!

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