Bertney And The Pew-Pew Laser Pee-Pee
By Dr. Seuss
Bertney loved performing, but it always made her so nervous. Thankfully Papa gave her extra happy pills and promised to get her a puppy after every show. Bertney loved puppies.
As Bertney went on stage she tried to remember all the moves the cory-gopher told her, but all she could think about was that time she dipped her Furnch fries in a Frosty. It had seemed wrong to do at the time, but it tasted so good and she begged and begged Papa to take her to Wendy’s again.
“Bertney Jean,” Papa said. “You know they don’t have the Happy Meal toys you like.”
Papa was right. While Furnch fries dipped in Frosties were yummy, Wendy’s toys weren’t as good as McDonald’s. Also, their Chiggen Nuggets weren’t as crisp-
One of Bertney’s dancers crashed into her! “Oh, no,” Bertney thought. “I was thinking about Furnch fries again! I’m never going to get a puppy now.”
Seeing the sad look on Bertney’s face, the dancer quickly grabbed the dancer closest to her and jumped off stage next to Justin Bieber. Soon, they all began kissing, and everyone in the audience forgot all about Bertney’s accident. This made her very happy.
After the show, Papa came into Bertney’s dressing room.
“Bertney Jean?” he said. “Can you tell me what went wrong tonight?”
“I thought about Furnch fries instead of dancing again…” she said with a sad voice.
“Was that a good thing to do?” Papa asked.
“No, Papa…” Bertney said.
“Well, don’t let it happen again,” he said. “Now close your eyes, I brought you something.”
“A puppy!” Bertney thought, but she didn’t say it out loud or Papa would know she already forgot everything he said. As she slowly reached out her hands, Bertney felt something cold brush against her fingers. Puppy’s have cold noses!
“Now open your eyes,” Papa said.
Bertney quickly opened her eyes and looked down to see.. ice cream? Bertney was happy because she did love ice cream, but she couldn’t help but feel disappointed.
“No puppy?” she asked.
“Not tonight, Bertney,” Papa said. “Maybe next time.”
“But, Papa, what y’all do with the one you had before the show?”
“Threw it in a lake.”
Then they both started laughing because puppies don’t know how to swim yet! Papa always did the funniest things.