Bertney’s Gon’ Be On TV, Y’All! And She Done Brought Her Britches

Proving his voluminous man-boobs possess a dark bitch-tit magic that can bend men’s minds to his will, Simon Cowell successfully talked Britney Spears’ dad and her fiance into accepting $15 million that she’ll never see a dime of to be a judge on the second season of X-Factor along with Demi Lovato because who doesn’t want to try and break into the music business only to have your fate rest in the hands of a woman one step removed from Down’s syndrome and a cutter who’s not even old enough to drink but already has a coke problem? (Side Note: Now would be a good time to incorporate sharp objects and hand puppets into your act.) Anyway, here they all are at last night’s FOX Upfronts where Britney put everyone’s mind at ease by immediately flashing her nooner-covers at the paparazzi in exchange for one of them resting a McNugget on her nose. You can’t get a better omen than that.

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