Bertney Meets Jell-O
Bertney Meets Jell-O
A Making Friends Wordventure
Based on a true story.
“Hahaha! She’ll never know what hit her!” Bertney heard Papa laugh from his office. She had no idea what he was laughing so hard about. The doctor let her take her cone off last week, so what could it be?
Bertney moved into closer to the door for a listen, but before she knew it, she was already standing in Papa’s face on a pile of broken wood. But where had the door gone?
“Bertney Jean,” Papa said in his serious voice. “For the last time, there ain’t no Oreos in here. That’s the third door this week!”
“Sorry, Papa,” Bertney said while sniffing the air. She was certain Papa was lying about them Oreos, but she just had to prove it.
“Now scoot. Papa’s got serious business to get to with you dancing in Vegas for two more years. You sure earned a new Barbie this time.”
“Yippee!” squealed Bertney. She loved Barbie dolls almost as much as Furnch fries and ice cream. Her favorite part was making them dance and dance and dance until they can’t dance no more, and then giving them happy medicine so they could dance some more! When Bertney grow’d up, she was just going to be just like Papa.
Bertney made her way to the kitchen to get a snack, but something didn’t seem right. She looked down on the floor and saw Jayden making his purple face again, but that wasn’t it.
“Those are my shows!” screamed a strange woman as she burst out of the pantry. Bertney had to move quickly. With surgical precision, she threw a punch to the woman’s windpipe, then quickly swept her legs before slapping a kitchen knife off the counter and catching it in her dominant hand, blade down. This happened to Bertney a lot.
“Wait a minute,” Bertney said after looking at the woman. “I knows you. You’re Jell-O!”
“You don’t know me,” hissed Jell-O, but there was no moving Bertney’s leg off her neck that day. Not without sedatives.
“Yup, I do,” said Bertney proudly. “Wanna be friends?”
Jell-O seemed confused by this offer as Bertney let her up, but Bertney meant what she said. Also, she was really hungry and wanted some Oreos, but she could never remember where Papa hid them.
“Or maybe they’re in his office…” Bertney thought.
But before she could finish her thought, a loud voice came bursting through the front door.
“Bertney! Stay away from this raping loser!”
It was Mr. Orange Flappy Hair from the TV box. What was he doing here?!
“Bertney, I got here as soon as I heard your Papa took all of Jell-O’s shows. I knew she’d strike soon because Mexicans get up early to sneak across the border and rape everybody before breakfast. We need that fence!”
Bertney was very confused. Jell-O was her new friend, but Mr. Orange Flappy Hair was really loud and kept telling Jell-O to go back to Mexico. Bertney liked Mexico. It’s where Taco Bells come from.
“No, Bertney, please,” said Jell-O. “I’m sorry I attacked you. Please don’t let Mr. Orange Flappy Hair send me away. I want to be friends!”
“Don’t listen to her, Bertney,” Mr. Orange Flappy Hair yelled. “She’s bleeding out of her special place and will squirt it in your eye!”
“Right,” said Bertney to the coffee maker. It always knew what to do.
Bertney picked up Jayden off the floor and swung him around her head with all her might until Jell-O and Mr. Orange Flappy Hair realized they were outmatched and ran out the door to fight another day.
“I JUST WANTED A SNACK!” Bertney yelled as her arm spun faster and faster.
“Dammit all, Bertney” Papa yelled from his office. “I’m trying to work. There’s ice cream in the fridge. Now quiet!”
Bertney quickly let go of Jayden and watched him fly out the window into the pool.
“Ice cream!” Bertney squealed. This was going to be the best day ever!
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