BRATNEY WANTS DICK

In the times of light, there is Bertney. A roly poly little girl who loves nothing more than ice cream, Furnch fries, and of course, her Papa.

But in the dark times, there is Bratney. A black-eyed demon who wants one thing and one thing only.

Dick.

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

Backstage. Dressing room.

♫ Oh, I love my Papa, and he says I can get a puppy if I do a good show tonight♫
“Five minutes to curtain, Bertney!”
“Be right out – after this fart! Hehe- huh?” [Fidgets with loose bra snap as it suddenly comes off in her hands, her fist clenches around it] Diiiiiiiccckkkk…”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“How’s everybody doing tonight? Enjoying the show?”
“What’s she doing? Why is she going off script?!”
“I think it’s time to find a hot nerd, like, with a really big penis.”
“No. No, God, it’s happening again…”
“Basically, what I’m saying is, I NEED DIIIIICKKKK.”
“SHOOOOOOOOT HERRRRRRRRR!”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“What do you mean you can’t get a visual on her? Where is she?”
“Sir, she’s trucking down the highway between cars. She’s like a fucking linebacker.”

“DIIIIIIIIICCKKKK!”

“Wait, I see her. She’s pulling a pedestrian out of a car. She’s behind the wheel.”
“Is there a McDonald’s nearby?”
“What?”
“Is there a McDonald’s nearby?!”
“Uh, yes, right across the street.”
“When she pulls into it, move your team in.”
“She drove right past it, sir.”
“DAMMMIT!”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“Thank you for the dick, paparazzo. Your kind can always be counted on. [Zips up pants.] Now, I need a favor from you. Can you get me to DC?”
“Like Washington, DC? What do you need there?”
“Same thing I always need. Diiiiiiiickkkk.”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“Annnnd… cheese. Perfect. Beautiful shot, Madam Secretary. I’ll leave you two ladies alone.”
[Grabs Hillary Clinton by the lapel.] “Where’s your husband’s dick?!”
“Britney, this is highly unortho-“
“TAKE ME TO THE DICK!”
“What if I could take you to a better dick? The one you’re really searching for.”
“You mean…”
“Yes. I mean him.”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“Welcome to ISIS, Ms. Spears. How may we be of service?”
“I was told you could take me to Adnan.”
“Which one? There’s like 40 of us.”
“Don’t play games with me. My Adnan! I want my Adnan!”
“I am sorry, Ms. Spears, I do not understand…”
“You used me again, Clinton! You promised me dick! RAHR!”
“She’s slaughtering us! She’s slaughtering us all! Why, Allah, why?! NOOO!”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“Sir, she’s been spotted in the Canadian wilderness battling a mythical creature known as the Wendigo.”
“Bring it up on satellite. Sonofa- That ain’t ‘battling,’ son.”
“Apologies, sir. Should we, uh, should we let them finish?”
“If you want your team to make it back in one piece.”
“Yes, sir.”

Drum-a-dah-drum, drum-a-dah-drum, doot, doot, drum-a-dah-drum, snare, snare-snare-snare

“Gonna drug me again, Dad? Make me dance on stage so you don’t have to get a job! [Struggles with restraints.] Just remember that sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry.”
“On my mark, you get that bra on her and you get on fast. Ready? 1… 2…”
“DIIIICCKKKKKK!”
“3!”

“… Papa? Papa, where am I?” Bertney asked sleepily while rubbing her eyes.
“Shh, ssh, it’s alright,” Papa said while giving Bertney a great, big hug. “These nice men were just bringing us ice cream.”
“Oh, boy, ice cream!” Bertney squealed, jumping and clapping all at once. “This is the best day ever! I love you, Papa.”
“I love you, too, Bertney.”

The End.

Wish Your Child Would Read More? Try Bertney Stories Today!

[WARNING: Bertney Stories subject to change to Bratney Stories without notice. Author not responsible for your child saying “dick.”]

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