Britney Spears Has a New Video

The video for Britney Spears’ new single “Hold It Against Me” was released last night, and it’s interesting only in the fact that thousands of quick-cuts and camera angles still can’t sell Britney Spears being capable of choreographed dance moves anymore. If you watch this thing – And Christ be with you. – notice how she barely moves and just puts her hands up while dancers dance around her. When it comes time for the big number at the end, she’ll just sort of move to the side and then they’ll quickly cut away so you don’t know if she saw a donut box, or they just tossed her up there and assumed random chance dictates she’ll turn in the right direction in at least one shot. (She doesn’t.) Oh, and also the Britney versus Britney fight? If you think she did any of those moves herself, the government should be allowed to sterilize you. I think that’s a fair test from here on out. “There’s two Britney’s there, y’all. She can fight! Damn! Why you pokin’ me with those needles? Why my umerus all fallin’ out? Aw, shit, free Slim Jims? WHOO-EEE!”