Britney Spears Has a New Video

February 18th, 2011 // 163 Comments

The video for Britney Spears‘ new single “Hold It Against Me” was released last night, and it’s interesting only in the fact that thousands of quick-cuts and camera angles still can’t sell Britney Spears being capable of choreographed dance moves anymore. If you watch this thing – And Christ be with you. – notice how she barely moves and just puts her hands up while dancers dance around her. When it comes time for the big number at the end, she’ll just sort of move to the side and then they’ll quickly cut away so you don’t know if she saw a donut box, or they just tossed her up there and assumed random chance dictates she’ll turn in the right direction in at least one shot. (She doesn’t.) Oh, and also the Britney versus Britney fight? If you think she did any of those moves herself, the government should be allowed to sterilize you. I think that’s a fair test from here on out. “There’s two Britney’s there, y’all. She can fight! Damn! Why you pokin’ me with those needles? Why my umerus all fallin’ out? Aw, shit, free Slim Jims? WHOO-EEE!”

superficial

  1. The show is over, just go away !

  2. Shart

    So she doesn’t dance? Sorry I can’t watch the video. I just can’t.

  3. ugh that was horrible, looked like an aborted soda ad. maybe that katy perry sesame street video wasn’t so bad, at least it was a cute theme

  4. HowiesBeeyotch

    She has a new video….. but she has no eyebrows…..
    Was the price for the new video that she had to give up her eyebrows?
    Why doesn’t she have eyebrows? They’re so bleached out they disappear…
    I can’t stop looking at them..
    Shades of Helena Bonham-Carter in ‘Sweeny Todd’… or Johnny Depp in ‘Edward Scissorhands’.
    WHAT IS UP WITH THE EYBROWS?!?!?!?

    Sorry.
    So Sorry.

  5. btw they’re pronounced slam jams down home..

  6. Mr. Rogers

    That’s got to be the worst Sony, Plenty of Fish and Radience perfume commercial I’ve ever seen. I mean, those three things don’t even go together, especially not with Britney Spears as the spokesperson. Wait, what? it was a music video? Wow, I had no idea. I didn’t know that was considered music.

    • Richbike

      Spot on review. How much did Plenty-of-Fish pay for that long spot?

    • manda

      The blatant product placement was disgusting –this is the future of music videos.

      • Misana

        yes it is… sad but true

      • Average Woman

        EXACTLY….the whole time I’m going WTF is this a commercial or a music video?? And then the fight scenes, spray painting fingers, it was so irrational that I completely lost interest.

    • me

      she has top-selling perfume sales since she started advertising them in her videos. money talks I guess.

    • jujee

      Don’t forget the make up forever ad placement too.

    • gardnjul

      i think the most disturbing thing about this whole thing is all the shameless product placement. We all knew Britney was a hot mess but to sell out for plenty of fish? that’s just sad

    • Mandy

      If anyone is interested (and I’m sure they aren’t), the advertisements are only on the Internet version of the video. The TV version has no ads.

      • Rosana

        plenty of fish, faceless dancers, the fifth element déjà vu… yet another low-cost copy of Gaga.

      • woodhorse

        low cost? those meds she’s on have to cost a lot. And without ‘em, Lady Gaga would lose to an umbrella. Oh, and everyone here is a slut except me.

  7. The O

    My god, if she’s not proof you shouldn’t ever marry your high school sweetheart, I don’t know what is. What a fucking trainwreck.

  8. wb

    id still hit that

  9. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Richbike
    Commented on this photo:

    First bitches!!!

  10. Required

    That felt like the longest, most pity-inducing commercial (I mean seriously, we get it, you have a deal with Sony) ever – not even the crying puppies on SPCA commercials make me feel that bad

  11. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Bella
    Commented on this photo:

    I personally think it’s her best work yet.

  12. Senor Fantastic

    We this directed by the kids at ‘iCarly?’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCxpGufJ5Jk

    … I’m ashamed to know this. I blame my rotten weiner kids.

  13. LIly

    I wonder how much money is she going to make from all of the product placement. Cocaine and Starbucks for days!!!

  14. that still is awful like train wreck awful i want to look away, i really do

  15. jojo

    You would think it was cute if someone put a pig in boots and a bustiere it would be cute. Buy this is just sad and borders on cruel. Like all swine they should have Britney eating from a trough and rolling in her own filth.

  16. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    Totally straight.

  17. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    No, Britney, not buying your parfum.

  18. exactly

    I think they superimposed her butt and legs in the first part. She is just not that narrow. Look later on in the fight scene where you see her big legs. She looks all skinny in the first part

    • layhertease

      That’s because they used the same trick on her that the Kardashian twits tried with their diet product endorsements… just stretch the the image slightly from top to bottom to create the ill proportioned illusion that she’s taller and leaner than she really is. Good trick, until you look at the face and see how it resembles the elongated shape of a horse’s face. Oh, wait, that’s not the result of video manipulation? Uhhhhh…

    • Mandy

      She does look much skinnier in the beginning than she does at the end. I can’t imagine that they photoshopped it, or that they stretched it (like “exactly” said), because they didn’t do that for the rest of the video. I’m not sure what happened there

  19. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    Why did they give her blue eyes?

  20. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    Cool dress.

  21. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she’s holding dumbbells but I know they’re finger mitts.

  22. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Laurita
    Commented on this photo:

    They look like Britney

  23. Greg

    I know she’s a vicodin dependent shambles but I’d still fuck the life out of her. Don’t judge me – I have needs.

    • Sugar

      A five dollar crackhead hooker could fill your needs just as well as this fat pig inbred retarded talentless millionaire could– and you wouldn’t have to listen to the hooker speak either.

  24. Rhialto

    It took some time but instead of dirty she’d now look pretty clean…

  25. Britney Spears Hold It Against Me
    Honest Abe
    Commented on this photo:

    Being from the south, the whole white trash trailer park thing works for me!

    Add to it “single” with kids, and I’ll raise you a “HELL YA!”

  26. Julie

    This video is a hot mess. Did they let her direct it herself?

  27. Gallo

    All the quick cuts and Barbara Walters style soft lens and it’s still obvious that she’s extremely dumpy– the illusion doesn’t hold up for more than two consecutive seconds. It’s like you’re browsing amateur porn and you click on something that looks like it might be okay. Then you realize that someone picked the one presentable screenshot to list. And you say “Oh Christ, no.” with a bit of panic in your voice and hope you can hit the back button before you see too much.

  28. Hambone

    Damn it, I want my two minutes back. That whole video (not just the utterly pointless fight scene) was more edited and sliced up than that infernal Catwoman movie. Can we nominate music videos for Razzies,

  29. Niicea

    Listened to the song when it came out, and actually thought it had a potential to be a good video..

    I know she has never bothered to care about her music and image- but does she really have NO creativity or self respect? Take control woman!

    I refuse to believe that the crew didnt try to get her to at least give a shit.

    Her vacant eyes creep me out.

  30. brilliant

    Holy product placement.

  31. Cher X

    It’s Ginger Fox! (kudos to the few who will get that….)

  32. RoCer

    Oops she did it again.

  33. Cock Dr

    You can Photoshop it, airbrush it, edit it, use body doubles & every camera trick in the book, but you’ve still got a thick, no-talent, medicated zombie woman under all that glitter & lipstick.
    More pop music industry product – same old wrapper.

  34. bitingontinfoil

    Remember when I was hot in my “Like a virgin wanna be days y’all?”
    “Don’t forget I have a perfume, y’all”

    This video brought to you by SONY!

  35. Melissa

    ….I couldn’t really find the music video within the long drawn out commercial that couldn’t decide what product to promote

  36. Marian

    Epic video!Typically everyone tries to pull Britney down and patronize everything she does. This video has only been uploaded in the last 24 hours and it is everywhere so don’t hate,appreciate!

    • babooda

      Perez is this the name you use when you dress in Mama Perez’ clothes and go to the gay clubs? The only thing epic about this video is its’ f-a-i-l-u-r-e to be either coherent or an actual music video.

    • ooz

      riiiiiiiiight

  37. Richard McBeef

    she’s got the eyes of a catfish with down’s but at least they are both aimed in the same general direction. her nipples should take note.

    • Yup

      I lol’d, I lol’d so fucking hard. (A lot of these comments have been top notch, this is exactly what I come here for..and the half naked celebrity shots with fish’s commentary)

  38. bitingontinfoil

    It’s like trying to sell bacon past it’s expiry date by putting it in a sparkly new package….

    HELP SAVE THE BC BLACK BEARS (facebook)

  39. Susannie

    I didn’t think it was that bad. Weird with the make-up and Sony placements, but whatever.. If anything, it was a little ordinary.

  40. Rooster

    I’d hold it against her, but I’d rather just put the tip in.

  41. From the looks of the picture, the video isn’t the only thing that’s new.

  42. g!

    JUST DISGUSTING!!!! PLEASE!! YOU ARE RICH NOW GET AWAY!!!

  43. seattle

    Whatev, the video is badass!!!

  44. Nicole

    They need to stop making her a money machine and let her be in therapy for a couple years, out of the spot light!

  45. me

    Why can’t she dance anymore?? The fight scene was lame, I think I could see the mustache on the stunt double. Product placement was super-lame, but something tells me people tell her what to do and she just does it. I like the white dress and paint all over, but yet the tubes on her fingers were weird, like IV’s or something. I guess when you’re that rich it doesn’t matter what you do, the sheep will buy it.

    • akewlazzmom

      Bilateral knee operations in the past could have a profound impact on her dancing abilities.

      • Mutt

        Knee operations? You really bought that BS story? They’re called boob implants. Moron.

      • gossipinsanantonio

        From someone with a pain disorder, I can tell you her knees seem fine. She marches around on stage, walks around LA, & etc. It looks like she has lower back problems. I’d really like to know the story behind that, and if it contributed to her drug abuse issues.
        This poor dear. Dancing was one of the things she actually did well! I wish she would retire, move a psychologist onto her property, and just take care of herself.
        BTW, not a Britney fan, just sympathetic.

  46. HC66

    She should just get out of the video business. Unless it’s porn. But I doubt she even has the talent for that.

    • Iveski's Wife

      You need talent to do porn? Shit, there goes her back-up plan. Better stick with the blatant product placement.

  47. She still has that “I will cut your throat” look in her eyes..

  48. bernard

    congrats to the completely derivative director and to the producer,
    they once again prove that no matter how much you spend
    you can’t polish a turd

    this was a poop rolling around in a turd tumbler

  49. G

    I heard they first approached KFC and Starbucks for the products placement….

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