Bertney Meets Miss Iggy
Bertney Meets Miss Iggy
A “How To Make Friends” Fun Reader
Bertney looked down at her clothing and was very confused. The last thing she remembered was sitting in McDonald’s with Papa, and then seeing a trail of Furnch Fries leading out the door. Bertney loved Furnch Fries, and she didn’t care if they touched the ground. They were still delicious.
Except now Papa was nowhere in sight, and she was sitting in a strange car with a very strange lady. Also, Bertney’s belly was sticking out, and Papa was very specific about letting people see her belly.
“Bertney Jean,” Papa would say. “Computers were made to make your tummy look pretty so we can live in a nice house. You like living in a nice house, don’t you?” Bertney really loved her house. It had a swimming pool and a bathub that made bubbles! Plus it’s where she kept her Barbies.
“Hello,” said the strange lady. “I’m Iggy.”
Bertney tried to remember her manners, but she also knew she wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers. Especially ones with silly names and brown skin, but this lady looked just like Bertney and probably wasn’t from a “tear wrist country” like Papa called them.
“Hello,” Bertney said timidly. “Why are we in this car?”
“We’re shooting a music video, silly” Iggy said. “You should know more about that than me.”
Bertney had no idea what Iggy was talking about, but she smiled and nodded anyway. This had a 92% chance of someone leading her to Furnch Fries.
“So be honest, what do you think of my new boobs?” Iggy asked. “Can you tell that they’re fake?”
“What do you mean fake?” Bertney responded. Now she was extra confused. If Iggy’s boobs were fake, how could Bertney see them? “Does that mean they can come off?”
“Haha! They warned me you’d be hilarious,” Iggy laughed.
“I think it means they can come off,” Bertney said with more confidence as she leaned forward. It was the only thing that made sense.
Suddenly, Bertney was at the police station with Papa, and her hands were all covered with ketchup. This happened an awful lot. And just like the last time, Papa was putting a whole bunch of money on the policeman’s desk and promising to keep Bertney in the house.
“But, Papa, I like going places with you,” Bertney protested. She loved her house, but not enough to stay inside all day everyday. It doesn’t even have Taco Bell.
“Not now, Bertney Jean,” Papa said sternly, and Bertney knew to be quiet. Something in her brains told her if she talked anymore, she’d have to do the naked squiggly dance with the policeman. It was the most self-aware thought Bertney would ever have.
“Just keep her on a leash,” the policeman said before sending Bertney and Papa on their way.
“How’d that policeman know I wear a leash?” Bertney asked Papa in the car. “I thought that was a secret. Like the time Jayden and I put water in the gun under your pillow. It didn’t squirt very well.”
“Bertney, what you did was very wrong,” Papa said. “But I know all you’re hearing right now is, ‘How long until Papa takes me to get ice cream?’ and picturing me as a clown.”
Actually Bertney was thinking about that monkey that smelled his own finger then fell over, but now all she could think about was ice cream and what she would do to get it. Bad things. Dead things…
“Driver, take us to Dairy Queen,” Papa said. “She doesn’t even know what day it is.”
“Hurray!” Bertney squealed. This was going to be the best day. “Thanks, Papa. You almost died!”
Photos: FameFlynet, Galo Ramirez/Shotgetter/T Maidana/AKM-GSI