Bertney’s Old Berfriend

The Superficial / January 21, 2014

Bertney’s Old Berfriend
A Scholastic Super Reader’s Choice

It had been a long time since Bertney had seen Mr. Jason. Papa had fired him a while back for not making sure she didn’t wander off the set of X-Factor to eat Furnch Fries. Bertney liked exploring.
“Ya had one simple job,” Bertney remembers Papa saying. He seemed really mad when all Bertney wanted to do was eat a Happy Meal in Mr. Simon’s dressing room. He had big, funny boobs like a girl that made Bertney laughed.
But then the other night, Bertney saw a man walking with a bag of Popeye’s, so right away he had her attention. She watched as he ordered pizza and now she was even more curious. It was like seeing one of them Harry Potter wizards Jaden liked to watch, but Bertney never understood the words to. She missed when they would just watch SpongeBob. SpongeBob always made Bertney happy.
Bertney watched the man pay for his pizza then eat it right out of the box. It caused a feeling in her that she never done did feel before.
“Papa,” she said nervously. “I feel like butterflies are fightin’ in my tummy button over McNuggets.”
“Ha! Now what in the world could make you feel like that, Bertney Jean?” Papa laughed.
“That man over there,” Bertney said as she pointed him out. He was just so hamsgum with all that pizza and fried chicken. Bertney was really starting to feel funny now. Like she had to make a tinkle.
“Well, snap my britches, it’s goddamn Trawick,” Papa said as his voice got very serious. “Pull up to him,” he said to the driver while rolling down his window.
“Hey, Trawick. Thought I told you this was MY town.” Papa yelled as the man froze in his tracks. He was suddenly very afraid, and that’s when Bertney recognized him. She’d seen that face the first night he paid Papa extra to touch her no-no spot.
“Mr. Jason?” Bertney said.
“Aw hell, she recognized him,” Papa said as he pulled out his gun and aimed it at Mr. Jason. “You ever fry chicken with the devil in the quail moonlight?”
Bertney didn’t know what that meant, but it sure frightened Mr. Jason as he stumbled back and fell into some trash cans. Which must’ve made Papa real angry because he started shooting something fierce.
“Welp, guess that’s over with,” Papa said. “Who wants ice cream?”
“Me, me, me!” yelled Bertney as she squealed with delight. Trips with Papa were always so much fun!

The End.

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Photos: ROLO/AKM-GSI