Bertney’s Old Berfriend

January 21st, 2014 // 18 Comments

Bertney’s Old Berfriend
A Scholastic Super Reader’s Choice

It had been a long time since Bertney had seen Mr. Jason. Papa had fired him a while back for not making sure she didn’t wander off the set of X-Factor to eat Furnch Fries. Bertney liked exploring.
“Ya had one simple job,” Bertney remembers Papa saying. He seemed really mad when all Bertney wanted to do was eat a Happy Meal in Mr. Simon’s dressing room. He had big, funny boobs like a girl that made Bertney laughed.
But then the other night, Bertney saw a man walking with a bag of Popeye’s, so right away he had her attention. She watched as he ordered pizza and now she was even more curious. It was like seeing one of them Harry Potter wizards Jaden liked to watch, but Bertney never understood the words to. She missed when they would just watch SpongeBob. SpongeBob always made Bertney happy.
Bertney watched the man pay for his pizza then eat it right out of the box. It caused a feeling in her that she never done did feel before.
“Papa,” she said nervously. “I feel like butterflies are fightin’ in my tummy button over McNuggets.”
“Ha! Now what in the world could make you feel like that, Bertney Jean?” Papa laughed.
“That man over there,” Bertney said as she pointed him out. He was just so hamsgum with all that pizza and fried chicken. Bertney was really starting to feel funny now. Like she had to make a tinkle.
“Well, snap my britches, it’s goddamn Trawick,” Papa said as his voice got very serious. “Pull up to him,” he said to the driver while rolling down his window.
“Hey, Trawick. Thought I told you this was MY town.” Papa yelled as the man froze in his tracks. He was suddenly very afraid, and that’s when Bertney recognized him. She’d seen that face the first night he paid Papa extra to touch her no-no spot.
“Mr. Jason?” Bertney said.
“Aw hell, she recognized him,” Papa said as he pulled out his gun and aimed it at Mr. Jason. “You ever fry chicken with the devil in the quail moonlight?”
Bertney didn’t know what that meant, but it sure frightened Mr. Jason as he stumbled back and fell into some trash cans. Which must’ve made Papa real angry because he started shooting something fierce.
“Welp, guess that’s over with,” Papa said. “Who wants ice cream?”
“Me, me, me!” yelled Bertney as she squealed with delight. Trips with Papa were always so much fun!

The End.

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Photos: ROLO/AKM-GSI

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  1. cmonreally

    With the look of that gut, I’d say he figured out how to make fried chicken – pizza burritos. Must be his third run of week.

  2. Slappy Magoo

    If only blog fiction could earn a Pulitzer.

    It IS fiction, isn’t it?

  3. Mohawk Disco

    Another jewel, Fish.

  4. ThisWillHurt

    “Bertney loved exploring.”
    It’s actually spelled “splorin.” Are you hiring editors right now?

  5. Fat Jason Trawick Fauxhawk Eating Pizza And Popeyes Chicken
    Commented on this photo:

    “I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.”

  6. i love these stories.

  7. Courtkney

    It’s like she puts some kind of reverse gypsy curse on all her men. Justin was the only one who managed to make it out before she discovered her powers.

    • You could argue Justin planted the evil inside her when he took her virginity, cursing her and any man that sleeps with her from here on out.

  8. poor rookie paps.
    always getting the shit jobs.
    guess it beats kelly osbourne at the beach.
    hope superficial didnt pay for these.

  9. Cock Dr

    Brittany’s money puts food (and apparently a lot of it) on so many people’s tables.

  10. LMFAAO @ “You ever fry chicken with the devil in the quail moonlight?”

    Thank you, Baby Jesus, for the internet – I do not care that Fish doesn’t believe in you!

  11. I love these Bertney stories. So much. Thank you.

  12. Fat Jason Trawick Fauxhawk Eating Pizza And Popeyes Chicken
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn these Hollywood types and their opulent and decadent lifestyles!

  13. AnnaD.

    It seems that Britney’s vagina has magical powers. Magical fattening powers.

  14. Fat Jason Trawick Fauxhawk Eating Pizza And Popeyes Chicken
    Commented on this photo:

    Despite their failed relationship, it’s really big of him to show up for Britney’s Vegas debut show. Really, really, really big.

  15. Fat Jason Trawick Fauxhawk Eating Pizza And Popeyes Chicken
    Ginger Failed
    Commented on this photo:

    Bertney must be broken-hearted to see this one go.

  16. OMG, I am dying laughing, this should be nominated for a Pulitzer, seriously.

  17. Fat Jason Trawick Fauxhawk Eating Pizza And Popeyes Chicken
    donkeylicks
    Commented on this photo:

    If you look very closely you can tell it isn’t Val Kilmer, actually I’m not so sure anymore…

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