Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story

A WARNING TO OUR READERS:

This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her “boyfriend,” for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It’s up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we’re sensitive to the fact that some of our more religious readers would prefer their children only learn about sexual education, preferably in the form of abstinence-only teachings, from their parents and not the schools and/or government. So for those readers, we encourage you to share any of our other Bertney Stories with your child, and also enjoy becoming a grandparent real soon, you stupid religious fuck.

Now let’s jump into reading!

Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story
A “Your Body and You” Exploring Adventure

It was a beautiful, sunny morning, and Bertney was enjoying a bowl of her favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. Her friend Billy who makes the Furnch Fries at McDonald’s likes them, too, but he always saves the marshmallows for last. Not Bertney. She eats them up right away and leaves the other pieces in the bowl. One time she ate one, and made a yucky face for a whole afternoon.
But something was different about today because Papa let her eat two bowls and sat there making a very serious, grow’d-up face. Bertney didn’t like Papa’s grow’d-up face. It usually meant he was going to say a whole bunch of words that Bertney won’t remember or even understand, but sometimes it ended with ice cream. Bertney always remembered that part!
Finally, after a long sigh, Papa began to speak.
“Bertney,” he said with a tired voice, “we need to talk about Mr. David.”
Bertney hadn’t seen Mr. David in a long time, and for a moment, she had trouble remembering who he even was. In fact, she was sure she didn’t know who he was, but Papa wanted to talk, so she might as well nod her head like she’s listening. Bertney loved nodding her head and smiling reaalllly big. “It makes me look smart as a box!” she’ll tell her Barbies.
“You see, Bertney, sometimes people doodly-diddle in front of a video camera, so that other people can watch it later and maybe imagine themselves being the one having the doodly-diddles. It’s called ‘porn,’ and it’s something grown-ups do for fun, but mostly for money. Lots and lots of money.”
Bertney smiled and nodded, but she had no idea what Papa was saying. No idea at all.
“And so Mr. David went and found one of these people, and well, he made doodly-diddles with her even though we had a very specific contract about him only making doodly-diddles with you so people will think you’re grown up and mature enough to have a serious diddly-doodle relationship and not feel guilty about buying tickets to your shows.”
Bertney smiled and nodded again. She also thought about a funny cow eating a hamburger, but did her best not to laugh.
“Anyway, Mr. David won’t be coming around anymore, and if you see him, you’re to blow your whistle even if he’s carrying milkshakes.”
And just as soon as Papa said “milkshake,” Bertney’s brain got all tingly like that time her and Jaden stuck forks in the electrical outlets. She was having a memory!
“Papa,” Bertney said. “I have a question.”
“You do?” Papa seemed very surprised by this. And a little scared, too.
“If these corn people-“
“Porn people.”
“Corn people make doodly-diddles for money. And I make music videos where I’m ‘sposed to act like I wants doodly-diddles, does that make me a corn people?”
Papa didn’t answer for a very long time. Bertney could’ve sworn it was a bajillion years until he spoke, but she was never very good with telling time or numbers. All Papa did was sit and stare off into the distance stopping only to cry and ask Jesus what he’d done to his baby girl. But then something wonderful happened.
“Who wants ice cream?”
“Yay!” Bertney loved having talks with Papa.

The End.

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