Bertney In ‘Mr. Charlie Goes Bye-Bye’
Bertney In Mr. Charlie Goes Bye-Bye
A Learning About Love Reader For Kids
It was a beautiful day outside, and Bertney couldn’t wait to use her new sidewalk chalk. By the time Papa finally let her out, she’d drawn on three sofas, the oven, and Mrs. Pepita the maid.
One of Bertney’s favorite things to draw are the funny dreams she has at night. This one was about a silly man with the head of a goat who cooked the whole earth on a stick like a marshmallow while Bertney clapped and held chocolate and graham crackers to make S’mores. Bertney didn’t know what her dream meant, but she sure did know that she loved S’mores. And fires.
“Our house should have more of them,” Bertney thought while she gave the goat-man a pointy tail.
Soon, Mr. Charlie pulled up in his car, and Bertney quickly took off her shirt without even realizing she was doing it. Almost like her brain was keeping secrets. But Bertney didn’t mind because it was getting real hot outside.
“Not now, Bertney,” Mr. Charlie said as he walked quickly into the house. He seemed real jittery. Bertney wondered if he forgot to go pee before he left the house. She was always doing that.
Bertney followed Mr. Charlie into the house to see what he was going to do next, but then she decided she’d rather eat Oreos and made her way into the kitchen. Papa once told her to never have an Oreo baby as long as he’s alive, and Bertney always laughed every time she remembered it.
“Cookies can’t be babies!” she said to Mr. Brickdog the bodyguard who was trying something fierce to only look at Bertney’s face. She probably still had ketchup on it from her Furnch fries. Bertney loved Furnch fries so much she wanted to marry them.
“And will!” she said to Mr. Brickdog who was starting to sweat. Papa must’ve forgot to turn on the hair commissioner, Bertney thought to herself. Or did she say it out loud?
“Thinking makes me hungry!” Bertney yelped, but nobody was in the room anymore. Soon, she heard yelling coming from Papa’s office and thought about going to the door to listen. Papa had told her not to eavesdrop on his conversations, but Bertney was real good at not dropping things, so she decided it’d be okay and sat down on the floor eating cookies with her shirt off. When did that happen? Bertney wondered.
“Dangnabbit, Ebersol,” Bertney heard Papa yell at whoever Ebersol was. Bertney had no idea. “I done told you if I didn’t let you pay upfront this is what’d happen if you mess with me. And, boy, you done mess with me. Brick, hold him down.”
“NO!” screamed a man’s voice. “I swear, Jamie, I’ll get your money. I’ll get it tomorrow!”
“Too late for that,” Papa said. “What’s good for the goose sometimes ain’t good for the gander.”
“I don’t know what that means. Oh, God, my finger. You done clipped off my finger! Aw, why did I let you talk me into this? It’s like having sex with a retard!”
“Excuse me? Say that again,” Papa said in his serious voice. Bertney knew that meant trouble. I better smash both of these cremes together, she thought. Just in case.
“Oh, shit, I didn’t mean nothing by it Jaime. I swear. She’s a smart girl and you’re a good daddy. PLEASE-“
Bertney had no idea what that sound was, but good Lord, were these Oreos good. She put four cremes together. Four! At that moment, Papa came out of his office and saw Bertney sitting there.
“Bertney Jean, what in the world are you doing outside my office again? I thought I told you.”
“Orya?” smiled Bertney while holding one up for Papa.
“Aw, shoot, Bertney, I can’t stay mad at you. Let’s go get some ice cream.”
“Yay!” Bertney squealed. She loved ice cream. This was the best day ever.
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