Bertney’s Special New Berfend

Bertney’s Special New Berfend
A Learning About Genders Reader

Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald’s, Johnny Rockets, McDonald’s again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E. Cheese. It was always very fun, and Bertney could never wait to find out who was driving her next. Even if it meant taking a bath.
Bertney didn’t like baths, but she always tried her bravest for Papa even when Mrs. Esperanza didn’t use the soft warshing stick. Getting a bath was part of being a grow’d up, and Bertney really wanted to be a grow’d up.
“Grow’d ups get to have babies and a big fancy wedding,” Bertney told Jayden that morning. “I never had any of them things a’fore, but I bet they’re all kinds of fun!”
Who could that be? Bertney wondered. Papa didn’t let her order pizza for breakfast anymore, and it was way too early for Mr. Galvadecchio the mailman. He was always very nice and would give Bertney a buttermahscotch if she let him watch her swim. That was another thing Bertney couldn’t wait to do when she became a grow’d up: Have pockets full of candy!
“Bertney!” Papa called. “There’s someone here for you to meet.”
“Holy shit, Jay-Jay, it’s a new berfend!” And with that Bertney raced out of the room leaving Jayden alone with the knives they just found. They would have to play Bertney Carves A Turkey Boy tomorrow.
Standing at the door was a man Bertney had never seen before, but Bertney had never been very good about remembering things. And for some reason she kept thinking about knives. And the word “danger.” Brains are silly! she thought.
“Bertney,” Papa said. “This is Mr. Charlie. Can you say hello to Mr. Charlie?”
Bertney was hungry, so she decided to speed things along and get to Olive Garden very fast.
“Take me food and later nekkid stuff!” Bertney said to Mr. Charlie. This was called “cutting through the chase,” and grow’d ups do it all the time, Bertney thought with a confident smile on her face.
“Wait,” Mr. Charlie said to Papa. “She knows about that? You said over the phone-“
“She knows nothin’ about nothin’!” Papa yelled at Mr. Charlie. “Now take her out to eat ’cause you ain’t getting your money back, and I reckon I could shoot you right here.”
Bertney had no idea what Papa and Mr. Charlie were arguing about, but she did understand the part about taking her out to eat. Bertney’s thinking powers caught that one and hugged it nice and tight like a brand new puppy.
“Do you like ice cream?” Mr. Charlie said. He seemed awfully confused for someone talking about ice cream.
“Yay!” Bertney squealed. Mr. Charlie was going to be the best boyfriend ever.


Bertney Stories: The Learning Gift For Your Child That Keeps On Giving

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