Bertney Takes A Bus Ride

October 16th, 2013 // 28 Comments

Bertney Takes A Bus Ride
by Beatrix Potter

“I ain’t ever been on a red one before,” Bertney said, as building after building whooshed by. “I wonder what kinda school it goes to.”
With each passing turn, Bertney would throw up her arms and yell, “Whee!” all the while wondering if English peoples got McDonald’s.
“Y’all just have to have MigNuggets,” she told the bus driver who let her wear his cap. “They taste like happy! Especially when they all come with their best friends… Furnch fries!” she giggled.

As the passengers stopped to get off, Bertney waved at each one wishing them a good day and hoping that “mean old Queen don’t chop off their heads.”
“If you see card people, run!” she warned them.
Bertney liked to run and play, but lately, all her papa wanted to do was make her wear outfits that show off her boobies for videos and made Bertney feel funny inside, like she wasn’t a good girl.
These thoughts made Bertney very sad. She didn’t want to ride the bus anymore.
But, wait, what was that? Up ahead. Golden Arches!
“Hurray!” yelled Bertney as her bad feelings went away. This was going to be the best day she ever had.

The End.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, Vantagenews/AKM-GSI


  1. Cock Dr

    I think that the internal Brittany Spears dialogue posted above is probably close to 100% accurate.

  2. I’m actually starting to feel sorry for her.

  3. Britney Spears Derpface Double Decker Bus Tour London
    Commented on this photo:

    down’s syndrome catfish.

  4. Britney Spears Derpface Double Decker Bus Tour London
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    So was there ever a clear, final answer as to how this girl lost it?

    Drugs? Psychotic break?

    • the journey from louisiana trailer park to superstardom happened waaaay too fast and she was waaay too young for it.

      • Yeah, it’s kind of like getting the bends when you surface too fast from a dive. Bertney got the bends from surfacing from pot-still, trailer trash to superstar too quickly

    • Cock Dr

      Having a very public & oversexualized childhood while cradled in the loving arms of the Mouse & parents who care for nothing but cash probably isn’t good a thing for long term mental stability.

    • JC

      She was never going to be a rocket scientist to begin with, so that plus everything else mentioned…yeah, no chance for a particularly healthy mental life after that.

    • EricLR

      “Drugs? Psychotic break?”

      First the latter, then the former.

    • Shadow

      The truth lies in the one thing thats common among most, if not all, celebs who have ‘had a breakdown’, or have ‘died under mysterious circumstances or the convenient drug OD’… they ALL have challenged the status quo of the Entertainment Establishment. If they try to break free, punitive psychiatry is inflicted upon them. (aka abusing the 5150 hold and conservatorships to force a celeb to be a nice little slave of the greedy corporate Fat Cats when they want to break free). If they seek to expose the underbelly of Hollywood, they are Silenced. aka Killed, and its made to look like an OD or suicide, or an unsolved murder. Just ask Tupac. Or Michael Jackson. Or Any of the other myriad celebs who have died far too young. True, some did legit OD, and not to minimize mental illness, but so much attention is given to ‘if they are labeled mentally ill that means they automatically are’ that no one even is open to the idea that people falsely label a person that way to exert illegal control over them to force obedience, or to exploit them.

  5. Thanks for remembering to add the “Furnch Fries”, Fish. Always makes me laugh.

  6. Hey Fella, Are You George Zimmerman?

    If you are not totally enchanted by the deliciousness of the double quarter pounder, I do not want to know you.

  7. EricLR

    Do I take my feel-better pills when it’s American time or England time? I better take ‘em both times to be sure.

  8. Britney Spears Derpface Double Decker Bus Tour London
    Commented on this photo:

    “What are you singing, Britney”

    “Two aww beef patties, speshul souse, lettuce, cheese, pickles an’ ‘yuns on a semi-seed bun! An’ Furnch fries!!”

  9. I wish to Christ this woman could sue her parents for turning her into whatever the hell she’s turned into. The fact that theyre still making her work is even more horrific.

    I bet they threaten to take away her kids if she refuses, too.

  10. crb

    Just as long as she keeps her end of the bargain and goes full 1940s-movie-scale crazy lush-granny once she hits the age of 50, and starts up fights with parking meters, fire-hydrants and mailboxes…

  11. bob

    When spoken with a Britney accent, the phrase “Furnch fries” is almost always followed by a giggle, y’all.

  12. Pat C.

    I was just reading a book on the Jan and Dean tours every summer. Jan Berry crashed his car in 1966 and had permanent brain damage – for the shows every day he had to relearn the songs he wrote and last sung the day before. Why did he do it?

    They actually did need the money (which hopefully wouldn’t apply to Britney), plus the months when they weren’t touring were kind of empty and depressing for Jan. He liked being on stage, entertaining people, and getting the love. Britney might feel the same way.

  13. anonym

    She tops the list of dumbest rich girls.

    Her face just screams dumb

  14. ace11

    her cooter must smell like Rabbit stew

  15. Her life is very similar to that of a lion or tiger trapped in a zoo behind glass. It is weird to feel sad for someone with her type of money and fame, but I do.

  16. “Go-o-l-l-l-l-e-e-e! This here bus is huge. I’m used to the short little yellow ones that take me to the doctor and daycare and such. Why, this big thing even has a play room up on the second story so’s I kin enjoy a smoke with my Lincoln Log set. Them English folks sure is smart.”

  17. D-chi

    This makes me really sad.

  18. I thought these things were supposed to be shorter, yellower, and why is no one wearing a helmet? I’m scared.

  19. I would like to read the rest of it on the New Yorker, please.

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