Bertney And The Key To The City

Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader

Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky Charms in my ice cream!” she’ll tell you with glee.
But keys are very, very special. Sometimes Papa will jingle his keys in front of Bertney’s faces and before she could stop giggling, she’d wake up in bed with a new boyfriend. It was always very exciting.
“Now listen closely, Bertney Jean,” Papa said while Bertney thought about a butterfly she saw by the swing set. It had white dots on its wings! “Today, you’re going to receive the Key to Las Vegas, and it is a very special honor.”
Bertney didn’t know what any of those words meant, but she did know that keys can open doors. And aren’t food. That one took a while for her to learn.
“Papa, whose door does the key open?” Bertney asked. “Is it Dairy Queen? I hope it’s Dairy Queen!” Bertney loved Dairy Queen.
“Now, Bertney, this is a special kind of a key. It doesn’t open anything because it’s very, very big. It’s more like a trophy.”
“Like the one I got for tying my own shoes the other day?”
“Just like that one,” Papa said with a smile. It wasn’t often that Bertney understood what Papa was saying, but this time he felt very safe putting down the needle behind his back. Papa didn’t like to use the needle.
And with that Bertney ran off to her room singing, “Big key, big key,” all the way up the stairs. And then the thought hit her:
“What if it’s made of chocolate?!” Bertney said to a vase. Now she was extra super excited and got dressed the fastest she ever got dressed in her life!
The whole car ride to the casino Bertney could barely sit still. Papa didn’t even let her have a snack and used his mean voice twice, that’s how excited she was. She never ate a whole key made out of chocolate before!
“This is going to be better than Christmas!” Bertney squealed as Bodyguard Bill put a handkerchief over her mouth.
When she awoke the next day, Bertney raced downstairs. She knew there was something she was excited about but couldn’t quite remember.
“Think, Bertney, think,” she said. Something had happened yesterday that was very, very important. Bertney was sure of it.
And that’s when she saw it.
“THE GIANT KEY!” Bertney squealed. There it was in her own house! She had no idea how it got there, and should probably ask Papa why that is, but none of that was important right now. Bertney needed to get that chocolate out. It was the most she had ever needed anything in her life.
Bertney quickly got to work chewing on the key. It’s wrapper was very hard, but Bertney’s resolve was harder. She would eat her way to that chocolate or her name wasn’t Bertney Jean Spear Ribs.
“What in the Sam Hill are you doing?!” Papa yelled as he came into the kitchen. “How much of that did you eat?”
Bertney looked down and saw that only the handle part of the key was left.
“Only a little?” she said to Papa with tears in her eyes. “The chocolate didn’t taste very good…”
And with that Bertney began to cry. The key really did taste awful.
“Shh, shh,” Papa said as he put his arm around her. “You know what does taste good?”
“What?” Bertney said with a sniffle.
“Ice cream.”
“Yay!” Bertney clapped with delight. This was going to be the best day ever!
“Right after we get that stomach pumped. Boys, TASE.”
“KZZAWWWWOOWOWWWKKZZZOOWWAAAAZKKKKZKZKKZKZ! Y’all smell toast?”

THE END.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, JAYO / AKM-GSI, Splash News