Britney Spears Will Save Amanda Bynes

May 28th, 2013 // 28 Comments
They Slapped My Vagina
Amanda Bynes Wig
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I feel good about this already.

Britney Spears doesn’t know what day of the week it is, but she is under a conservatorship for being crazy, so that’s enough to come up with a story about her trying to help Amanda Bynes which I’m going to repeat for the sole purpose of making dick jokes. As for how I’m not teaching journalism at the university, I ask myself that everyday. TheFIX via Amy Grindhouse:

“Britney had a brief conversation with Amanda the week before her arrest and promised to personally help Amanda get her career back on track by helping her record music,” says the source.
“Britney also opened up to Amanda about her painful breakdown and about how she was so against her dad taking out a conservatorship – but she told Amanda that it wound up being a life, career and fortune saver.”

I was going to write a joke down here about Britney Spears explaining the Happy Meal Reward System and how it helped her stopped using her kids as floatation devices in the pool, but why do that when I can simply copy and paste Amanda Bynes’ latest tweets? It’s like having free, piping-hot punchlines delivered right to your door!

My lawyer is getting my case dropped! There was no proof of sexual harassment or drugs. Instead of me asking for the cop to be arrested for sexual harassment, I want my case dropped as well. His punishment will be being the cop who sexually harassed someone who would never find him handsome enough to be my boyfriend. That’s worse than any time in jail. But I am suing him for money compensation. I love having more money in my bank!

Detective Frank Jakowski never did a bad thing until that night. “Trust me,” his partner told him, “these Hollywood types love it when you smack ‘em in the goochbox.” With a divorce hanging over his head and two kids who needed braces, what did he have to lose? It’s not like the crazy broad would announce the rejection to millions of people. A soft knuckle to the mound, he told himself, just a soft knuckle.

Then things went pear-shaped.

Maybe it was the wig, or the marijuana she blew in his face, but what should’ve been a soft knuckle suddenly became an open palm straight to the clit. There was no turning back now. “Be my girlfriend!” he blurted out.

“Cowboy Curtis is blue, but never purple. Purple is quintessential Nazir,” she shot back, flinging icy arrows straight to his heart.

They’d find his body hanging from the precinct garage, just another flat-foot who tried to walk… The Love Beat.

Fin.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. This… will not end well.

  2. anonymous

    Britney is doing a crap job of getting Amanda back on track if she talked to Amanda one week before this weekend’s shitfest.

    If BS talks to her today with more help, Amanda might just kill someone by this weekend.

  3. yourmom

    I smell sabotage. Britney has been the celebrity crazy barometer, and now Amanda Bynes is trying to take that away from her. Jamie Lynn already proved Nick girls are easier than Disney girls by getting knocked up years before Britney. If she loses the crown of batshit crazy, she’s got nothing! No way are we gonna let them Nick tramps show us up again, are we Britney?

  4. joe

    Here’s hoping that all of this “help” includes applying tanning oil while topless.

    Just sayin. Cuz that would be nice to watch.

    • I hope you’re referring to reciprocal applications…and here we come up with just ONE MORE possibility for Pay-Per-View TV. Hell, they should just fire their program managers and hire all of us from The Superficial to come up with ideas for their telecasts!

  5. yourmom

    This could be the end all, be all of reality television. Take away Britney’s meds, and put these 2 in a house together. Let the cameras roll…

  6. Britney Spears Crazy Faces The X Factor Premiere
    Deva
    Commented on this photo:

    “I ferted”

  7. If a brief conversation with Britney can’t help you, you’re past saving.

  8. Maybe she can only respond to one of her own. Batshit only trusting batshit. Because from the look of her, she is a three day weekend away from DIY g in some absurd fashion, like falling asleep on an escalator and being strangled by her own hair.

  9. “They slapped my vagina” sounds like a Lifetime movie.

  10. The only reason Britney was helped and there was such an effort to help her was that there was huge incentive to do that to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars. There is no such incentive for Amanda, so sadly she is screwed. Lohan has greater earnings potential also, that is the only reason anyone wastes time trying to help her.

  11. Yeah, I doubt this happened.

  12. Beer Baron

    Like the blind leading the blind.

    Can’t wait to see what happens next!

  13. How in the hell did a young woman come up with “slapped my vagina”? More believable would be “they grabbed at my GIGANTIC TITS…and I liked it. Bwaahahahaha…Especially when one of them tweaked my nipples.” Certainly does make for some interesting visuals!

  14. chikaty

    Can’t wait for Lindsey Lohan to reach out to Amanda Bynes and invite her to beat up nurses at rehab with her too. Amanda, Lindsey, Britney … child stars turn out to be totally respectable and sane adults.

  15. colt13

    I have been trying to avoid the Amanda stories because this isn’t funny. I do find it ironic that Britney, Rhianna and Courtney Love have reached out. That should be a red flag.

  16. Britney Spears Crazy Faces Demi Lovato The X Factor Premiere
    Schadenfreude
    Commented on this photo:

    OK, I’m on all fours. Is this another casting couch thing?

  17. Britney Spears Crazy Faces The X Factor Premiere
    Schadenfreude
    Commented on this photo:

    She has a chipped front tooth! Is that from opening up beer bottles with her teeth again?

  18. Wait, wasn’t Mel Gibson helping Britney? Mel helps Britney, Britney helps Amanda, it’s like the Russian nesting dolls of crazy. Fucking awesome.

  19. T

    Amanda is a very bad train wreck that needs so much help.

  20. salavation

    I thought we wern’t supposed to take bad pictures of Beyonce anymore.

  21. Britney Spears Crazy Faces The X Factor Premiere
    salavation
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought we weren’t supposed to take bad pictures of Beyonce anymore.

  22. Tinka

    I love Amanda, she makes me feel sane, and the next step in my case is probably a very heavy dose of lithium. She also diminishes my arbitrary hair crises very efficiently.

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