Bristol Palin Is Pregnant Out of Wedlock. Again.

Now that I’m done flying around the room powered by the force of my own ejaculate, I don’t even know where to start with the goddamn delicious irony that not only is Bristol Palin pregnant out of wedlock – again – but it’s looking a hell of a lot like it’s not the child of Dakota Meyer, the Marine she was supposed to marry before abruptly calling off the wedding just days before the ceremony. A party was held in Kentucky in lieu of the wedding which Bristol was supposed to attend, but instead she fled to Alaska. From there, she proceeded to lecture Miley Cyrus and people who were smart enough to realize Rachel Dolezal is nothing like Caitlyn Jenner all while secretly pregnant with a baby she’s just now reluctantly telling people is in her hypocritical moose-uterus. Also, she doesn’t want any lectures, and holy irony jizz! *flies out the window* I’ll be right baaaaccckkk…. Via Patheos:

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first.
Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.

Wow, nothing like leaving a permanent digital record of how palpably pissed you are to be having a second kid. Then again, when you think Jesus is coming back any minute now, who’s worried about the environment let alone whether we’ll still have Google in the future, amirite? In the meantime, as an astute reader expertly pointed out last night, this YouTube video is the only thing that needs to be said about Bristol Palin because it’s her taking The Candies Foundation money to be its abstinence-only advocate after having her first child out of wedlock. The grift is strong with this one.

SIDE NOTE: Todd’s calling it now. Mark Ballas is the daddy.

Photo: Getty