Moose-Knuckled: The Curious Case of Bristol Palin’s Baby Daddy

“Ewwrrrww cernderms.”

Those of you with lives full of purpose and meaning probably aren’t aware that Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance Dakota Meyer officially filed for custody of her newborn daughter Sailor today. Which is some fascinating as fuck shit if you’re like me and have been obsessively reading about how another out-of-wedlock baby somehow got fucked into Bristol’s vagina to the point where I haven’t even written a post on Facebook that blows the sweet, Muslim socialism right out of Obama’s Kenyan dick for passing a tiny, minuscule sliver of gun control that will almost definitely push America past the brink into civil war. Anyway, this custody business is a hell of a coincidence considering there’s been a mountain of evidence compiled by Right Wing Crooks over the holiday that points to Bristol and her family covering up when her daughter was really born to make it look like Bristol wasn’t knocked up in Vegas after barebacking some rando while cheating on her decorated war hero fiance. As for why they’d go through all that trouble?

The Palins are going broke.

And when you’re going broke the last thing you want to do is derail the oldest gravy train in the book where idiot rubes give you money now in return for a gold mansion in the sky when they die. Which is exactly what will happen to Moose Grifters & Company if people find out that Abstinence Ambassador Bristol Palin is fucking all the dicks without a condom on while her ghostwriter is busy judging everyone else’s ass on Patheos for whatever’s twisting Jesus’ tit these days. That’s just bad business. As for why Dakota Meyer is playing along and not making any waves about a paternity test [UPDATE: Or is he?] this last line from the TMZ report might clear things up:

Bristol’s baby daddy wants one more thing … child support.

And because we’re dealing with rednecks who think a long con are those biscuit things at Starbucks, Bristol Palin actually fired back at the delivery date conspiracy theory with a photo that somehow magically showed the Palin-approved birth date on her IV and then fucking deleted it. Even dumbassed-er, the official photo on Sarah Palin’s Facebook page now has the hospital date just blurred right the fuck out. Which can only mean one thing:

benghazi with aliens

h/t Right Wing Crooks, IDLYITW

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