Is Dakota Meyer Baiting The Palins Into Asking For A Paternity Test?

“Come me to at, bro!”

In my zeal to write something, anything, that continues to expose the Palins as a gang of white trash Jesus hustlers, I lazily just assumed Dakota Meyer was in on the Bristol Palin baby conspiracy in exchange for a bag full of grift-dollars and maybe even a younger Palin for him to actually impregnate at a later date on account of their crazy fertile-ness. (I heard if you even masturbate in the same county as a Palin woman, they’ll have twins.) Except a couple of readers on Facebook pointed out that Dakota might actually be sticking it to the Palins by essentially forcing them to give him custody and child support for a daughter that might not even be his or face the music by having him take a paternity test, which at this point, could go either way. On top of that, you have the Palins basically calling a Medal of Honor recipient a pussy in an exclusive (Read: Money, please!) statement to Entertainment Tonight, which is either some damn clever showmanship, or a pretty good sign that Dakota’s not in on the scheme:

“For many months we have been trying to reach out to Dakota Myers [sic] and he has wanted nothing to do with either Bristol’s pregnancy or the baby,” Palin told ET.
“Paramount to the entire Palin family is the health and welfare of Sailor Grace,” she added, claiming that Meyer is attempting to “save face.”

Bristol’s rep, David Martin, also addressed Meyer’s legal filing, telling ET, “My values are such that a real American hero doesn’t ask for child support.”

And, once again, here’s the rub. The cash-strapped Palins can either pay up and let their rube mine believe poor Bristol accidentally fell on her fiance’s dick before the wedding and cancelled it out of respect for the Baby Jesus, or they can roll the dice and make him prove he’s the father like they’ve let everyone believe yet oddly have never confirmed or denied until cash money was on the line. Oh, and the baby thing. That, too. Except you know what? Maybe Dakota really is the dad. In which case, the Palins still have to take him to court and say in front of a judge, “Listen, your honor, we support the troops with all of our American hearts. Just not that specific one who can eat a dick because we’re keeping his kid locked in an ice dungeon.” I’m sure that’ll go over with their base, which actually isn’t a snarky quip because if you’re still with the Palins after years of their horseshit, you’ll probably swallow anything they say. “Demons made the weather change?! Everybody shoot your guns into the sky until they stop! DING DANG BOOM BLAST!” As for why I’m wasting my time on any of this, it’s my fucking job to make fun of rich, dumb idiots doing rich, dumb idiot things. Think of the Palins like the Kardashians, but without the courtesy of at least getting naked every once in a while, which practically makes their whole hairy cabal sound like angels. Goddammit, what have I done?

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photo: Getty