We Couldn’t Resist

November 4th, 2011 // 59 Comments
Brett Ratner Shrimp Masturbate Meme
The Backstory
Olivia Munn
Olivia Munn & Brett Ranter Banged Read More »

Tell us a tale about shrimp fat glistening on a portly man’s penis, and we’ll spin you a meme. FilmDrunk has transcribed the chapter (Which I highly recommend scoping out.) from Olivia Munn‘s book where she describes her now-career-defining moment in Brett Ratner‘s trailer. A moment where one man’s love of shellfish and self-pleasure combine in borderline-racist euphoria. On that note, you might want to dim the lights, fire up a few candles because, baby, we’re going to Ambiance Town:

“Wait,” he begged.
Slowly, like in a bad horror movie, I turned around once more. And I remember first noticing him wearing an Oxford shirt and holding a fistful of cocktail sauce-smothered shrimp. He popped one down his throat and then another, the red sauce collecting like so much baby’s blood at the corner of his smirking mouth before dribbling down his front and settling as glistening stains on his shirt.
[…] This A-List schmuck then has the nerve to say: “You have such an interesting look– what ethnicity are you?”
And this is where things crossed over from merely disturbing to downright horrific–that was the exact moment I noticed what was either a tiny gnarled doggie toy or this adult man’s penis being stroked by his own stubby hand.
He was masturbating. Right there. With shrimp in one hand. And me standing in front of him. Masturbating. Mastur-bating. I’m not even kidding.
And the dude was going for it, too, furiously pulling at the tragic stub. Before I could even begin to make sense of the whole deal, he was moaning, moaning and then–fire hose. On steroids. The Mt. Saint Helens of man-juice.

In related news, Brett Ratner has officially been barred from every Red Lobster in the continental U.S. “At least until the lobsters have been fully spayed,” a company spokesman added. “Brett Ratner’s films and a night of Red Lobster are a masturbate made in heaven. Match. MATCH made in heaven.”

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. Keno

    Ummm…wow.

  2. I’m fine with this as long as it was a month ending in “r”.

  3. TomFrank

    Between this story and the one about QT a few months back, I have to wonder about the correlation between A-list directors and aberrant masturbatory practices. And maybe tiny dick sizes, too, but I bet some of that is exaggeration by the female narrator looking to twist that knife in juuuuust a little bit deeper. (I know, ladies. That can only come from a man.)

    • Fred

      “A-list” directors? This isn’t David Lean here, this is a tub of shit who wouldn’t know a decent movie if it sucked his tiny penis.

  4. Roughing my way the top

    For lack of more elitist words, did she stuff that thing in her mouth?

  5. DeucePickle

    You’ve got to admit, that’s a great fucking story

  6. occam's boner

    A famewhore who has been chomping at the bit for years (we have now learned) comes up with a fantastic story that garners shitloads of free press. Oh yeah, this is totally believable.

  7. Richard McBeef

    Yet she still fucked him.

    Women.

    • Dan

      Yeah, that is the funny part about this… She says this now like at that moment she was appalled, but at that moment she was thinking “SCORE! This my chance!”

      I bet she got down on her knees and cleaned off all the cocktail sauce.

      • Any Guy

        thinking the exact same thing reading her story. wtf? it speaks volumes about her if she’s gonna bang some creepy cocktail-soaked douche to further her career. who’s the bigger asshole?

  8. Cock Dr

    They deserve one another.

  9. Venom

    Ha Ha, I actually believe everything she said. Is it sad that she still fucked him, yes and no, I mean she has been in Hollywood now for awhile and is still working and making good money so clearly it paid off for her.

    As long as there are desperate whores that want to get into Hollywood, there will be sleazy directors like Ratner and Michael Bay that will make them do sex acts to get there. And the desperate whores include men too, I mean can you imagine what Shia LeDoofus had to do to Speilberg to get the career he has now?

  10. Shrimp, cock, and tail.

    Whors d’oeuvres.

    This could go on awhile.

  11. Wait a minute…that’s a REAL quote???

    I thought that was some brilliant parody dreamed up in Superficial editorial offices over a seafood lunch.

    But wait…if this is true, then she was subjected to this utterly revolting and disgusting display…and STILL fucked the guy? Doesn’t this portray Olivia in a worse light than Ratner?? At least greasy shrimp dick Rather only fucks women he’s attracted to.

    • Richard McBeef

      It might portray here in worse light, but I think it’s far more cunning that it seems at first glance.

      She already has a legion of fat greasy fucks mashing the xbox in mom’s basement that think she is cool, down to earth, whatever, and that they could “get” her.

      Now they look down at the stains on their shirt as they jack off with frito grease and think, “yeah, I really could get her”

      Genius marketing, Munn. Genius.

    • EmmaWatson's Vagina

      I gotta agree here.

      Either she is gonna do some real disgusting love scenes like the ending of Sentiment of the flesh(2010) or she has a very interesting imagination.

    • You gotta admit, even if she’s batshit crazy “furiously pulling at the tragic stub” is pure prose gold. She’s got a great future as a writer.

  12. Drew

    “I’m not popular anymore and everything I’ve ever been in has flopped. PAY ATTENTION TO ME :(”

    Honestly, I’d rather rub one out with cocktail sauce than fuck Olivia Munn too.

  13. She is the Ernest Hemingway of our times.

  14. So let me get this straight. An A-list director jacked off with shrimp grease in front of her. Repulsed, she had sex with him. She never got a role out of it, as later she changed her name and he didn’t remember her. What a fucktard.

  15. JC

    “The red sauce collecting like so much baby’s blood….” WTF? I think I’d feel a lot more comfortable hanging out with a shrimp masturbator than a chick who sees red sauce and thinks, “Oh, that looks just like blood from a human infant.”

  16. Yeah, she needs a better ghost-writer. How does one come out of their own story looking worse than the pantsless guy whacking off with shellfish?

  17. Alex

    Fuckin’ heebs.

  18. MInky Wail

    “The Mount Saint Helens of Manjuice” ? Oh I get it, he was a big shot!

  19. Deacon Jones

    Wow, I actually got turned on reading this story, imagining her facial expression in slow motion watching the fire hose….

  20. Mandy

    I’m not buying it, sorry. His story was about a million times more believable.

  21. Goofus masturbates with shrimp while talking. Gallant tells Lou Diamond Phillips he’ll call him when he’s got a role for him.

  22. Donald Trump

    Yeah but did she swallow?

  23. it had to be said

    All I know is that I have a penis, two pounds of shrimp, and a jar of cocktail sauce waiting for Olivia to swing by for the sequel.

  24. SIN

    Since they fucked up this site, how do I go to the next story? Not ones related to this one?

  25. The Pope

    So she’s saying that he’s a shellfish lover?

  26. steve

    It was either a doggie toy, or a penis? Seriously?
    What the hell kind of writing is this.

  27. Who knew she was an expert on man-juice and the quantities thereof?

  28. Jumbo Shrimp

    It was an excellent description of her disgust as she continued to participate to the very end.

  29. Right

    So asking someone his/her ethnicity is racist? And what the hell does Munn mean by this fella having “the nerve” to ask about it? Asking about ethnicity and smoking causes Zombie-ism. Blah blah blah.

  30. forrest gump

    ……….HE WANTS TO APPLY AS FIREMARSHALL, folks?

  31. Anon

    I don’t buy her story. Nobody maturbates while they eat. You do one first then the other.

    I do buy his story where he banged her before she was “Olivia Munn” and was still a nobody and he forgot who she was when they met again for her audition.

    Woman scorned…making up stories. THAT I believe.

  32. chaz

    I actually have more respect for Brett after reading this story

  33. Veronica

    Only Mel Gibson is more eloquent.

  34. BigOkie

    No one has pointed out the obvious yet… and even being in land-locked Oklahoma I noticed this…

    WHY IS THE SHRIMP GREASY??? IF YOUR SHRIMP HAS “GREASE” ON IT… IT HAS ALREADY GONE BAD AND YOU SHOULDN’T FUCKING EAT IT!!!

    Unless he decided to take a bullet out of the chamber before she got there, in which case it wasn’t fat anyway but more of a… gravy?

  35. EricLr

    In her defense, she learned a valuable lesson from this incident. Get the role BEFORE you fuck them.

  36. ReadingandRereading

    I’m sorry. Where does it say she went ahead and fucked him?

Leave A Comment