People might have got a hold of the cover to Bret Michael’s upcoming book Roses & Thorns, but thanks to my ability to make promises of mascara, The Superficial has obtained the full chapter list for what will, no doubt, be an epic tome of music and unprotected sex with illiterate county fair attendees:
I. I’m Not Bald
II. Full Head of Hair
III. Bandanas and the Art of Not Looking Bald – Which I’m Not
IV. Strippers Are People, Too. Sort Of.
V. Eyeliner Doesn’t Make You Gay. (See Chapter IV.)
VI. Being Honest With Yourself: Bret, You Have Luscious Real Locks of Hair
VII. Venereal Disease: Never Heard of It
VIII. Every Rose Has Its Thorn (I’m Contractually Obligated To Mention That Song 25 Times a Day.)
IX. Rock of Love: I Can’t Believe They Named a Show After My Penis – And You Watched It
X. Dasiy De La Hoya Might’ve Been a Dude. I Don’t Remember (Thanks, Jager!)
XI. Male Pattern Baldness: The Government Conspiracy. Or So I Hear. From Other People.
XII. Lyrics to Unskinny Bop
Becca | March 27, 2009 at 8:04 am
I used to love him :(
::heart breaking::
mamamiasweetpeaches | March 27, 2009 at 8:25 am
I’ll admit I watched the first season of ROCK OF LOVE. It was an embaressment of riches. Now its just an embaressement.
I AM going to see POSION (with CHEAP TRICK and DEF LEPPARD) for the 4thtime this summer though. They put on a really good show!
feckless | March 27, 2009 at 8:27 am
Did Paloma Picasso sell him that pose or is he just a Poser?
RichPort's Ghost | March 27, 2009 at 8:40 am
What’s with the picture of Janet Dickenson?
jennyjenjen | March 27, 2009 at 8:49 am
Rich, @3 says the show was an embarrassment of you. Care to comment?
It's ME | March 27, 2009 at 9:07 am
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
Jeezy | March 27, 2009 at 9:21 am
Bret Michaels is my hero.
Richard McBeef | March 27, 2009 at 9:28 am
Who fuckin cares? It’s unfortunate that the former music channels broadcast tripe like this asshole’s show. It’s even more unfortunate that people watch it.
At least Cobain knew when it was time.
phil | March 27, 2009 at 9:34 am
This might be the worst and most sorry excuse for a comedy “news” post I have ever seen. I mean, is hollywood so slow that poking fun at Poisons washed up singer is one of the few almost interesting topics out today? Can’t you get some pics of lindsey doing coke or fighting with her “boy” friend instead? lame. No one gives a fuck about Brett Michaels unless there are fake tits flopping around in the frame too. Gimme the option and I’ll fuck Dasiy De La Hoya all day as opposed to watching, OR reading about, Brett Michaels.
dude | March 27, 2009 at 9:38 am
Whoa, whoa, Phil. Lighten up there, Spartacus. Did it take ten minutes to post that because you paused to assault someone?
Zanna | March 27, 2009 at 9:48 am
JESUS CHRIST, PHIL. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.
Daughter | March 27, 2009 at 9:50 am
Oh my awesome
sarah | March 27, 2009 at 9:54 am
I, for one, appreciate phil’s comment. down with bret michaels! go back to pennsylvania!!!
Shoop | March 27, 2009 at 9:55 am
He looks just like Meghan on a Saturday night.
ItsFullOfPoop | March 27, 2009 at 9:57 am
Ah,Bret Michaels,the Typhoid Mary of STD’s….
Dude's Funny | March 27, 2009 at 10:02 am
@10 I totally laughed at the assault line.
NipTuck | March 27, 2009 at 10:06 am
Rock of Love amuses the hell out of me. All those skanky girls.
Makes me feel good about my body. I don’t look like my skin barley stretches over two basketballs as my tits.
Oh Bret, where did you go wrong?
BretMichaelsTheReasonWhyRockStarsDie | March 27, 2009 at 10:11 am
Bret is a perfect example of why real rock stars die of overdoses or stick shotguns in their mouth and pull the trigger. If you don’t die while your young you end up like Brett Michaels.
Meghan | March 27, 2009 at 10:12 am
Enough, Shoopy.
Zanna | March 27, 2009 at 10:14 am
Fuck. I can’t get “Unskinny Bop” out of my head now. FUCK
Rough Daddy | March 27, 2009 at 10:19 am
*thank heaven for little girls*
GuyHolly | March 27, 2009 at 10:26 am
Dude is a genius. Get skanky girls to fight over his fugly ass. Get paid to watch said girls fight over his dumbass. Get to act like you actually care about skanky girls who are fighting over his stupid ass. Pound the bejesus out of said skanky girls while acting like you really give a fuck about them. Rinse and repeat every year until all strippers catch on. Like that will ever happen.
GuyHolly | March 27, 2009 at 10:28 am
Oh, and the chick who posed in Penthouse who’s on this season, looks better with her clothes on. **shudders**
havoc | March 27, 2009 at 10:48 am
Lip injections are so rock and roll…..
.
RichPort's Ghost | March 27, 2009 at 11:03 am
Again with the fucking guy-liner…
caljenna66 | March 27, 2009 at 11:04 am
@2 – I’m going to that concert, too, but only to see Def Leppard and Cheap Trick…I am hoping there isn’t a Rock of Love 4 in the works by then, I don’t really want to be anywhere near a flock of strippers, herpes, and chlamydia…
shasha | March 27, 2009 at 11:09 am
has anybody else noticed how that face is so similar to angelina jolie’s? uncanny!
Jrz | March 27, 2009 at 11:10 am
Extensions and Bandannas: The Reality of My Baldness in Middle Age
axel rose | March 27, 2009 at 11:23 am
Embrace your baldness, men!
Women too, especially between your legs! I’d rather bury my face in a treeless forest than a garden full of bushes!
Janey | March 27, 2009 at 11:46 am
I am so fucking glad I never fucked him in the 80′s.
Kalxon | March 27, 2009 at 11:49 am
loser.
thesearemytestingsupplies | March 27, 2009 at 11:52 am
enough brimmer
JPRichardson | March 27, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I thought that was Heather Locklear.
Fuck U | March 27, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Manwhore…
Fuck U | March 27, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Manwhore…
mamamiasweetpeaches | March 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm
#27 and #33 – I see more of a Fergie resemblence……
Josh Lavarn | March 27, 2009 at 12:20 pm
lol
3434345 | March 27, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Brett totally wins the “who looks the most like a chick while wearing makeup” contest.
shasha | March 27, 2009 at 1:57 pm
seriously… they eyes and lips.. so very angelina jolie… related? don’t worry guys i’m not trying to ruin angelina jolie for you all… just watched changeling the same hour when i stumbled upon this picture.. ha ha
Yikes | March 27, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Does he say “Prune” before the photo is taken…he looks like the much older brother of the Olsen Twins.
EuroNeckPain | March 27, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I like him because he was born in 1963, and yet he looks super sexy. Men who look good at his age are soooooo rare.
Don’t say it’s because of the eye liner. Men I know who are his age would look like clowns or transvestite if they put make up on. but they would definitely not look sexy.
JANE | March 27, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I thought this was Mischa Barton
Jaan Kanellis | March 27, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I love how those 80s bands need 3-4 of them to get a set together, but hey what can I say I love them all.
Dave | March 27, 2009 at 6:24 pm
LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT – EVERYONE.
Bret only has one T.
:)
jay | March 27, 2009 at 6:58 pm
@41 Ummmmmmm, NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Carol | March 27, 2009 at 7:47 pm
@41 he doesn’t look like he was born in 1963 because he is pulling his face back with both hands in the photo! You would think they would try to edit the hands and fingers out so it wouldn’t be so obvious but nah.
gerard Vandenberg | March 28, 2009 at 12:53 am
AMERICANS ALWAYS NEED MONEY, folks!!
(this because the government refuses to take care of their own people!!)
remember “NEW ORLEANS”?
hi | March 28, 2009 at 2:56 am
the government isn’t supposed to ‘look after its own people’. The government is supposed to do as little as possible so as to reatain “maximum freedom” for it’s people. People are supposed to look after people, not government. Government by its very nature is a danger to free people.
Rhialto | March 28, 2009 at 10:00 am
Pirates of the Caribbean cover!?
love | March 29, 2009 at 3:01 am
you can have a try on my own site ******www.horsemingle.com…&&&&&, there are many beautiful girls and boys here , , seems good !