Bret Michaels is a Beautiful Woman: The Book

March 26th, 2009 // 60 Comments

People might have got a hold of the cover to Bret Michael’s upcoming book Roses & Thorns, but thanks to my ability to make promises of mascara, The Superficial has obtained the full chapter list for what will, no doubt, be an epic tome of music and unprotected sex with illiterate county fair attendees:

I. I’m Not Bald
II. Full Head of Hair
III. Bandanas and the Art of Not Looking Bald – Which I’m Not
IV. Strippers Are People, Too. Sort Of.
V. Eyeliner Doesn’t Make You Gay. (See Chapter IV.)
VI. Being Honest With Yourself: Bret, You Have Luscious Real Locks of Hair
VII. Venereal Disease: Never Heard of It
VIII. Every Rose Has Its Thorn (I’m Contractually Obligated To Mention That Song 25 Times a Day.)
IX. Rock of Love: I Can’t Believe They Named a Show After My Penis – And You Watched It
X. Dasiy De La Hoya Might’ve Been a Dude. I Don’t Remember (Thanks, Jager!)
XI. Male Pattern Baldness: The Government Conspiracy. Or So I Hear. From Other People.
XII. Lyrics to Unskinny Bop

superficial

  1. Becca

    I used to love him :(

    ::heart breaking::

  2. mamamiasweetpeaches

    I’ll admit I watched the first season of ROCK OF LOVE. It was an embaressment of riches. Now its just an embaressement.

    I AM going to see POSION (with CHEAP TRICK and DEF LEPPARD) for the 4thtime this summer though. They put on a really good show!

  3. feckless

    Did Paloma Picasso sell him that pose or is he just a Poser?

  4. What’s with the picture of Janet Dickenson?

  5. jennyjenjen

    Rich, @3 says the show was an embarrassment of you. Care to comment?

  6. It's ME

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

  7. Jeezy

    Bret Michaels is my hero.

  8. Richard McBeef

    Who fuckin cares? It’s unfortunate that the former music channels broadcast tripe like this asshole’s show. It’s even more unfortunate that people watch it.

    At least Cobain knew when it was time.

  9. phil

    This might be the worst and most sorry excuse for a comedy “news” post I have ever seen. I mean, is hollywood so slow that poking fun at Poisons washed up singer is one of the few almost interesting topics out today? Can’t you get some pics of lindsey doing coke or fighting with her “boy” friend instead? lame. No one gives a fuck about Brett Michaels unless there are fake tits flopping around in the frame too. Gimme the option and I’ll fuck Dasiy De La Hoya all day as opposed to watching, OR reading about, Brett Michaels.

  10. Whoa, whoa, Phil. Lighten up there, Spartacus. Did it take ten minutes to post that because you paused to assault someone?

  11. JESUS CHRIST, PHIL. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

  12. sarah

    I, for one, appreciate phil’s comment. down with bret michaels! go back to pennsylvania!!!

  13. Shoop

    He looks just like Meghan on a Saturday night.

  14. ItsFullOfPoop

    Ah,Bret Michaels,the Typhoid Mary of STD’s….

  15. Dude's Funny

    @10 I totally laughed at the assault line.

  16. NipTuck

    Rock of Love amuses the hell out of me. All those skanky girls.

    Makes me feel good about my body. I don’t look like my skin barley stretches over two basketballs as my tits.

    Oh Bret, where did you go wrong?

  17. BretMichaelsTheReasonWhyRockStarsDie

    Bret is a perfect example of why real rock stars die of overdoses or stick shotguns in their mouth and pull the trigger. If you don’t die while your young you end up like Brett Michaels.

  18. Meghan

    Enough, Shoopy.

  19. Fuck. I can’t get “Unskinny Bop” out of my head now. FUCK

  20. *thank heaven for little girls*

  21. Dude is a genius. Get skanky girls to fight over his fugly ass. Get paid to watch said girls fight over his dumbass. Get to act like you actually care about skanky girls who are fighting over his stupid ass. Pound the bejesus out of said skanky girls while acting like you really give a fuck about them. Rinse and repeat every year until all strippers catch on. Like that will ever happen.

  22. Oh, and the chick who posed in Penthouse who’s on this season, looks better with her clothes on. **shudders**

  23. havoc

    Lip injections are so rock and roll…..

    .

  24. Again with the fucking guy-liner…

  25. caljenna66

    @2 – I’m going to that concert, too, but only to see Def Leppard and Cheap Trick…I am hoping there isn’t a Rock of Love 4 in the works by then, I don’t really want to be anywhere near a flock of strippers, herpes, and chlamydia…

  26. shasha

    has anybody else noticed how that face is so similar to angelina jolie’s? uncanny!

  27. Jrz

    Extensions and Bandannas: The Reality of My Baldness in Middle Age

  28. axel rose

    Embrace your baldness, men!

    Women too, especially between your legs! I’d rather bury my face in a treeless forest than a garden full of bushes!

  29. Janey

    I am so fucking glad I never fucked him in the 80′s.

  30. Kalxon

    loser.

  31. thesearemytestingsupplies

    enough brimmer

  32. JPRichardson

    I thought that was Heather Locklear.

  33. Fuck U

    Manwhore…

  34. Fuck U

    Manwhore…

  35. mamamiasweetpeaches

    #27 and #33 – I see more of a Fergie resemblence……

  36. Josh Lavarn

    lol

  37. 3434345

    Brett totally wins the “who looks the most like a chick while wearing makeup” contest.

  38. shasha

    seriously… they eyes and lips.. so very angelina jolie… related? don’t worry guys i’m not trying to ruin angelina jolie for you all… just watched changeling the same hour when i stumbled upon this picture.. ha ha

  39. Yikes

    Does he say “Prune” before the photo is taken…he looks like the much older brother of the Olsen Twins.

  40. EuroNeckPain

    I like him because he was born in 1963, and yet he looks super sexy. Men who look good at his age are soooooo rare.
    Don’t say it’s because of the eye liner. Men I know who are his age would look like clowns or transvestite if they put make up on. but they would definitely not look sexy.

  41. JANE

    I thought this was Mischa Barton

  42. I love how those 80s bands need 3-4 of them to get a set together, but hey what can I say I love them all.

  43. Dave

    LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT – EVERYONE.

    Bret only has one T.

    :)

  44. jay

    @41 Ummmmmmm, NOOOOOOOOOOOO

  45. @41 he doesn’t look like he was born in 1963 because he is pulling his face back with both hands in the photo! You would think they would try to edit the hands and fingers out so it wouldn’t be so obvious but nah.

  46. AMERICANS ALWAYS NEED MONEY, folks!!
    (this because the government refuses to take care of their own people!!)
    remember “NEW ORLEANS”?

  47. hi

    the government isn’t supposed to ‘look after its own people’. The government is supposed to do as little as possible so as to reatain “maximum freedom” for it’s people. People are supposed to look after people, not government. Government by its very nature is a danger to free people.

  48. Rhialto

    Pirates of the Caribbean cover!?

  49. you can have a try on my own site ******www.horsemingle.com…&&&&&, there are many beautiful girls and boys here , , seems good !

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