Bret Michaels gets a third chance to bang more strippers on national television

July 17th, 2008 // 60 Comments

Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake, the “winner” of Rock of Love 2, have broken up. I guess every rose does have its thorn. And that thorn is made of total manufactured bullshit needed to launch a third season of Bret’s reality show. People reports:

Lake, who recently moved to L.A. from her native Chicago to pursue her career, also made it clear that she completely backs Michaels’s decision to take the show on the road for a third installment. This time it’s called Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels and the women vying for his affection will follow the rocker on a month-long tour across the country.
“Third time’s the charm!” says Lake, who plans to watch the new season and is happy to be a sounding board for Michaels. “I can’t stress enough that I support his decision. He’s going to take it on the road, and that’s where he spends the majority of his life. What a great concept.”

Yes, what a great concept indeed – for Bret Michaels. Has anyone ever seen the show? Here’s the formula to pretty much every episode. And if someone you know actually thinks this shit is real, you owe it to them to push them out of a moving vehicle:

-Bret packs a mansion with strippers, single moms and former Playboy Playmates. At least one of these women will look like she’s straight out of a Whitesnake video and/or used to be named Bill.
-The gaggle of whores compete in Road Rules-esque challenges that are so asinine Bret doesn’t even pretend to watch them while the show’s filming and, instead, rides his motorcycle around in circles.
-Catfights break out. Usually about who really loves Bret and who’s here to be on TV. (Hint: They’re mostly Shot of Love with Tila Tequila rejects. Except for the one psycho that’s allowed on each season to stir things up. She truly does love Bret and, if the producers cross their fingers hard enough, will stab a stripper to prove it.)
-Bret goes on a private date. Gets laid in a limo, haystack, or Ed Hardy dressing room.
-Bret eliminates a lady (Typically the one he just nailed.) while shedding a well-timed tear or two when really he can’t wait to stop filming so he can bang a hotel room full of groupies from the last county fair he just played.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: Jesus walks among us, my friends. And he wears a wig.

superficial

  1. que

    Que balding!

  2. Hannah

    One reason am glad I don’t have cable in Australia…

  3. qwertygirl

    “every rose does have it’s thorn” It should be every rose does have its thorn, no apostrophe.

  4. Auntie Kryst

    What a great concept indeed to take the chicks on the road with him.. It guarantees the shows he plays will actually have an audience.

  5. Miss Kitty

    Who is this douche?

  6. LongShort

    Live on stage: Brett Michael’s hairpiece.
    Special Guest Appearance: Brett Michael’s hat.

  7. toolboy

    Has anyone seen him and Tori Spelling in the same room recently?? I’m just saying…

  8. He and Flava Flav should host a joint show called “Walk of Shame” where the whores voted off each week can be filmed hurriedly dressing and wiping goop off of their chins as they walk to the waiting city bus. The other chicks should be allowed to pelt them with shit on said walk.

  9. ph7

    Getting old sucks for everyone. But it can’t suck any worse than it does for an aging rocker.

  10. One

    he looks like Kevin Costner in a wig, all rocked out. Anyways, I thought Brett Michaels was married??? I’m so confus-ed-ed

  11. veggi

    Hottest. guy. ever.

  12. Steve

    Australia sucks. Fucking Vegemite eaters.

  13. sixpack

    extensions, yo! That fucking bandana never comes off. I want one of these Gentleman’s Club rejects to rip it off on camera and show the world.

  14. #3 – With the lack of grammatical perfection in your post, I think focussing on one errant apostrophe is the least of your worries, and the height of doucheyness.

  15. what a life. this guy hasn’t been cool for 20 years and he still gets a ton of clam.

  16. Anna

    “I guess what I’m trying to say is: Jesus walks among us, my friends. And he wears a wig.”

    Whoever wrote that made me spit a little coffee on my desk this morning. That whole post was pretty damn funny. Nice.

  17. qwertygirl

    #14. “focussing ” it’s focusing.

  18. It is amazing the depths to which whores will stoop to be on TV for a few minutes, whether it is with this loser or Flavor Fav or the Bachelor or whatever. It looks like a bunch of you have failed in raising your daughters.

    # 8 – LOL

  19. surlywench

    Guys, when you hit a certain age, the long hair has to GO. It’s not sexy, it doesn’t make you look more youthful or cool, and it doesn’t do anything to hide your double chin or moobs. Ok? Thanks.

  20. Just Jack

    Here’s the funniest part – he lives in Arizona – WITH HIS WIFE.

    No shit, he is married with kids. The joke is on anybody that thinks this shit is even partially ‘real.’

  21. #20 – you’ll find as of 2007, Bret and his wife, Kristi Gibson are separated and share custody of their children. There are rumors that they still live together.

    The balding remarks….yeah, he’s losing it but has worn a bandana since the 90′s so christ knows how much hes got left lol

    As for him doing a thrid season….its good work if you can get it!!! Anyone who says its lame to do another season is just plain jealous!!!

  22. monkeyfightclub

    supposedly all the contestants have AIDS for the next season

  23. #17 – Here you go, your royal doucheyness:

    http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/focussing

    Thanks for playing. Please take this kick in the cooter as your parting gift.

  24. LadyJane

    I am so fucking glad I didn’t fuck him in 1989.

  25. #24 – Did you wait until January of 1990?

  26. squirrel

    What an idiot. Cancel this show and Shot of Love. Force this plastic douche nozzle and that plastic Viet Cong leprechaun to wed, at gunpoint if need be. Watch said leprechaun give birth to Barbie dolls. For the win!!!

  27. sixpack

    #22 made me Elle Oh Elle for real. Horrible, but somehow funny!

  28. Walter

    Won’t this be a violation of the Mann Act?

  29. Sara

    I think the most important grammatical error here is that Amber actually spells her name Ambre. So gay……and just makes me think I’m hungry….

  30. Melissa

    The shit is perfect for this has-been. He’s as disgusting and diseased as the trash whores that he fucks. It’s a match made in clinical heaven.

  31. If Thy Eye Be Single Jones

    I was never interested in watching that douche show until after reading your synopsis. And still, I think I will avoid that show and wait for your book to come out.

  32. grobpilot

    #14: #3 is basically correct. The only time “its” contains an apostrophe is when the word is used as a contraction of “it” and is” (it’s). By the way, “focussing” really only contains one “s”.

    Let the douchyness resume.

  33. #33 – I know about the apostrophe rule. The point is, if you’re gonna run around critiquing, you better not have a post replete with grammatical errors of your own. And “focussing” can be spelled with one “s” or two. Thanks anyway.

  34. hey friends

    Is it gay if forced to choose at gun point: I’d have sex with Bret Michaels rather than Tila Tequila? I mean, he’s gross and all (and a dude), but she’s the nastiest ho-bag on this planet

  35. Tr8cthis

    Doesn’t that wig itch after a while? WTF is up with that? I dont know whats worse. His fake hair or his collagen lips?

  36. Tr8cthis

    Doesn’t that wig itch after a while? WTF is up with that? I don’t know whats worse. His fake hair or his collagen lips?

  37. Moon Glow

    The water will never be hot enough, and there will never be enough disinfectant to clean that bus…

  38. leg

    I really hate these people talking about the celebrities or rich men joined the famous sugar daddy and sugar baby service ???www.S u g a r d a d d y C o n n e c t. c o m???. Could you people please have a break??

  39. Racer X

    Hairpiece, check.
    Bandanna, check.
    Hat, check.

    /dude.

  40. PettyPape

    #4, 6, & 7: Hilarious!

  41. Bret M = Shitstain

    Washed-up, has-been, worn out, wrinkled, three-hit-wonder, fuddy-duddy, douchebag, shitstained, greasy, slimey, stinking man-whore.

    Is there proof that adult, sane contributing members of society actually watch this oily viagra-addicted inchworm?

    Anyone who would watch this garbage or sleep with a cumguzzler like BM are equally worthless.

  42. what's it to you?

    It’s really great to see Bret and his hairpiece still alive and well. Not really.

  43. KT

    I like how you call single moms “whores.” That’s so sexy.

  44. Sarah

    The best part about that show- Bret Michaels is actually impotent. No joke. Aahhh cruel justice!

  45. Jeshika

    At least he’s carrying his own bags…

  46. auzzie2006

    he’s a disgusting pig.

  47. redsonja1313

    WHY DOES HE INSIST ON WEARING MALIBU BARBIE HAIR EXTENSIONS ???

  48. Raquel

    This might be one of Superficial’s funniest posts to date.

  49. Your Mom

    This is definitely going down as my second favorite post, after the Dog the Bounty Hunter/Sinus Buster: The Capsaicin Pepper Nasal Spray one. You’re too good, Superfish. Too damn good…

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