Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead (Update: Or Not)

August 28th, 2014 // 42 Comments

Seen here making fun of Anne Hathaway‘s vagina as I’ll always remember her, Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords. According to TMZ, her heart also stopped beating with no word on whether it started again, so… yeah. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Abe Vigoda have issued a joint statement promising to tread lightly across humanity’s bones during their infinite reign. “For we are God’s cockroaches,” they said, “And God’s cockroaches shall respect those who came before even as your dust paves the streets of our kingdom of death. For as it is written”

UPDATE: According to Ken Baker, Joan has been upgraded to stable condition because apparently 81-year-old women do that after their 900th surgery. This is why I stopped pretending to be a doctor.

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  1. tokiromi

    wait…..”Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords.”

    where was she having the surgery? 7-11?

  2. surgery # 5,634. otherwise known as ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’.

  3. So you’d have me believe she’s gone under the knife? Yea, right…

  4. Robert

    This headline is fucking uncalled for.

  5. Apparently Madame Tussauds wasn’t prepared for the emergency when she stopped breathing.

  6. Hmm

    Dude I like you but this is a little fucking insensitive. Come on now.

    • HEADLINE: “Lindsay Lohan Is Probably Dead”
      *block party breaks out at The Superficial*

      HEADLINE: “Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead”
      “Insensitive!” “Uncalled for!” “Douchey!” “Unexpected from a satirical gossip site!”

      Edited to add: “Not at all in keeping with Joan Rivers’ style of humor!”

        False equivalence is a logical fallacy which describes a situation where there is a logical and apparent equivalence, but when in fact there is none. It would be the antonym of the mathematical concept of material equivalence.

      • I prefer honey nut cheerios over the apple cinnamon ones myself…

      • P.T.S. Potential Trouble Source

        Just on reading YOUR post TomFrank’sGhost I immediately ran down to the wine cellar and popped open a bottle of the really nice bubbly and returned to my computer with a full flute and read the rest of your post and starting feeling sorry for myself for acting prematurely, and then realized tomorrow is just around the corner and hope springs eternal with LILO demise…….. You tease.

  7. yourmom

    Lighten up folks. She’s like a thousand years old and I had just assumed been dead for years, but held up by devil magic and the souls of young actresses. The idea that this woman could die is so absurd the headline is totally appropriate. Plus, she’s a crude, loudmouth comedienne who would totally approve of the joke/headline, if she’s not right now making it herself.

  8. JM

    Seriously, I like how irreverent you are, but real douchy headline. Makes you seem like more of a dick than a person with comedic skills.

    • Name (Invisible)

      She has comedic skills?

      • JM

        I was talking about the author of this post, who is generally hilarious. And, yeah, she actually does. Worked her ass off in clubs for an eternity, almost always as the only female standup in the club. Made her bones.

  9. Have any of you actually heard Joan Rivers’ “humor”? It makes this headline seem tame.

    • cc

      Indeed it does. And, to be honest, I’ve always found her quite funny.

      Stood beside her at the airport once…tiny person.

  10. satan'srighthand74

    Good. She is a mean old lady and loves every moment of it. If there is a tour to dance on her grave please direct me to the line. And yes there will be a line.

  11. Wikipedia still says she’s alive, and NOTHING is more accurate than Wikipedia… Not even actual reality itself.

  12. Colin

    First of all, Joan would probably love the headline. That’s her kind of humor, irreverent and shocking. My problem is the irresponsible reporting. So someone said her heart stopped beating. That hasn’t stopped her for the last hundred years or so.

  13. If that’s supposed to be Ann Hathaway’s vagina, what would Kim’s ass look like?

  14. She will outlive Fidel Castro just to piss all you communists and Anti Isrealis off. She’s fine.

  15. She’s not quite done doing Satan’s work on earth, I guess.

  16. Lame ass doctors. They should already know that the undead’s heart is never beating.

  17. marjiscott

    Glad to hear she was upgraded to stable, if that is true. I haven’t seen that news elsewhere.

  18. Swearin

    Somewhere up in Heaven (or possibly Hell, let’s be honest), Johnny Carson is pissed he now has to cancel that time off from his talk show he’s been waiting to take for a decade.

  19. Anita Berber's Addictions

    CHER! You forgot Cher, who has been around forever, and will survive nuclear war.

  20. Hey come on, you guys. She was BORN to play “Dot Matrix” in Spaceballs. It was a triumph for her. After that, it was all gravy.

    With botox.

  21. Holy shite, Abe Vigoda is still alive!

  22. I love the article and I’m glad Joan is okay. I love her style of comedy and she’s been at it for a very long time.

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  24. Concerned Friend

    Get Well Soon, Ms. Rivers.

  25. wsnda

    Get. Well Soon Ms.Rivers,Press On.

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