Joan Rivers Is Probably Dead (Update: Or Not)
Seen here making fun of Anne Hathaway’s vagina as I’ll always remember her, Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning after she stopped breathing during surgery on her vocal chords. According to TMZ, her heart also stopped beating with no word on whether it started again, so… yeah. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Abe Vigoda have issued a joint statement promising to tread lightly across humanity’s bones during their infinite reign. “For we are God’s cockroaches,” they said, “And God’s cockroaches shall respect those who came before even as your dust paves the streets of our kingdom of death. For as it is written”
UPDATE: According to Ken Baker, Joan has been upgraded to stable condition because apparently 81-year-old women do that after their 900th surgery. This is why I stopped pretending to be a doctor.