UPDATE: Charlie Sheen Rushed to Hospital

January 27th, 2011 // 68 Comments

Charlie Sheen has reportedly been rushed to the hospital after calling 911 during his morning threesome. No, really. TMZ reports:

We’re told Charlie was taken out of his home on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance at 7 AM.
Two young women exited the house at the same time Charlie was taken out with a towel partially over his face.
… Sources say Charlie was having severe abdominal pains which triggered the 911 call.

According to his rep, he’s currently sleeping in the ER, which is clearly publicist double-talk for dead. Not that that means anything considering Charlie Sheen bursts to life as soon as someone puts a whore next to his pillow. On that note, this makes Jon Cryer‘s appearance on Conan last night (after the jump) all the more hilarious, and you can tell how serious I took this news by giving up and only adding pictures of Charlie that involve Denise Richards in a bikini. Then again, they do bring a certain gravitas to the table even if most of it is focused in or around my pants.

UPDATE: TMZ says Martin Sheen is at the hospital now, so we’ve either got an intervention on our hands or someone wasn’t fast enough with the hookers. Story developing… on other sites. Call me if there’s a body.

UPDATE: So, uh, about that body thing. The situation is now “serious,” which let’s be reasonable for a minute, could mean anything from the quality of coke his agent brought him to Puritanical and antiquated rules against soliciting prostitutes with an IV in you. We can’t know for certain at this point.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin

superficial

  1. Ancient Egyptian Sphincter

    How long before we learn that Charlie’s “abdominal pains” were caused by a gerbil colony inserted in his rectum?

    Pssst! I wanna party with YOU, gerbil-boy.

    • Rubber E. Sphincter

      Update: According to TMZ over one hundred gerbils and several tennis balls have been removed from Charlie’s colon and they’re STILL coming… Way to push the envelope, dude.

  2. im gona be so fuckin mad if he croaks this year and michael douglas doesnt. fuckin deadpools lol

  3. Cardinal Fang

    “See a doctor for erections lasting more than 4 hours..”

  4. Deacon Jones

    I guarantee he was hittin’ the nose butter with the two hookers into the wheeee hours and his heart started having palpitations….

    Orrrrr, he ate at Taco Bell, had a severe case of the shits, and two dressed women, who just so happened to be up at 6:30 in the morning in his house, escorted him to the ambulance.

    Either way, I hope he pulls through, he was funny as hell in Platoon.

  5. Not if I rough you first

    *Sorting through FTD coupons*

  6. Cue Charlies’s stans in 3, 2, 1….

  7. RoboZombie

    They pushed his butt plug in too far

  8. Jumpin_J

    “Damnit Charlie, when I say no, I MEAN NO!” said the hooker in the room.

  9. Gary B

    This man is “livin’ the dream” He screws the women we only get to jerk to their videos on pictures of.

  10. Andrea

    He choked on a pube that was crawling with STDs.

  11. Devo

    Dead as they come.

  12. smegma drool

    Chuck is dying Jessie James is in Israel, strande days indeed. Most peculiar mama.

  13. milpool

    He probably did enough coke to kill two and a half men last night. ZING!!!!!!

  14. DM

    Hope he kicks the bucket, good riddance you were/are? a mess.

  15. Josephus

    I saw a link on a Twitter feed that Charlie Sheen went to the hospital. My immediate first stop? The Superficial.

    This site is also how I found out Michael Jackson died. I think this says something about me that I don’t really need said.

  16. two hookers in the bush equals to one dead junkie.

  17. S. Kinison

    Charlie’s lying there in the hospital, going “It was that last fucking pussy… god DAMN it, why did I lick it, WHY DID I LICK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Millions of pussies, never had a problem before–pussy, pussy, pussy, lick, lick, lick; PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY, LICK, LICK, LICK!!! Never had a problem–IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN PUSSY!!!”

  18. Bucky Barnes

    If he croaks at least Two and a Half Men can go out on a high note (it’s first).

  19. Racer X

    MEEEEEEEEEN.

  20. Charlie Sheen Denise Richards
    Tyler Perry
    Commented on this photo:

    Mc Rib is back for a limited time…

  21. chris

    The drop in gold prices gave him a stroke. He was too stupid to sell his holding last week!

    • seth rogen's vagina

      yes, I’m sure you’re right, it just couldn’t have been the buckets of cocaine, banging 2 hookers at a time at 60 years old, and staying out all night every night pulling this kind of shit. had to be the price of gold that did it.

  22. Charlie Sheen Denise Richards
    Not if I rough you first
    Commented on this photo:

    Denise Richard? Beautiful woman, but Juicy model she’s not….

  23. Gack

    Gawd, I’m so sick of Charlie Sheen. Just die already, dude.

  24. beth

    He was watching the Octomom porno.

    • Bucky Barnes

      Mr. Sheen was having intercourse with a Chinese pot-bellied pig when he spotted the Octomom video playing on a nearby television. “Man, THAT is some SICK fucking shit,” he muttered before passing out…

  25. Professor of Bonermatics

    In my expert opinion, I would have to deduce that Charlie’s boner was running at too high a RPM (rams per minute) and given his age and cocaine level, red-lined his heart, which caused a catastrophic loss of pressure in the boner unit.

  26. Hickok

    He’ll be fine. He’s got the stamina of a mountain yak. He’ll be back butt fucking hookers and snorting bath salts by tomorrow night.

  27. How many years do you think Martin Sheen has been saying “He’ll grow out of it.” to himself? He’s holding onto that dream like the skids on the last chopper out of ‘Nam.

  28. Is there anyone in here that did not see this one coming??? Why is this even news? Charlie will be dead before Two and a Half Men is through. And the final episode with be Berta finding his dead body in a pool of booze and vomit….

    Can we get on to the more important thing here? We need some naked women. I have not seen any tits on this sit in a long time

    • And Charlie Sheen’s snorted coke off way too many. The Fish is helping us strike a happy medium here. On the other hand, fuck it – who needs a tit nanny?

  29. DocJ

    Get Well Soon Charlie, you sir are a true American hero. Nobody can accuse him of not living his life to the fullest.

  30. Charlie Sheen is beyond mere mortal medicine to comprehend. He’s probably in an advanced state of transitioning from carbon based life, to a more pure energy-cocaine-tequilla life form.

    Then he will teach us all the way

  31. C. Hart

    Go toward the light, Charlie.

  32. C. Hart

    Seriously… how much hookers and blow is it gonna take to get this man into an Oscars montage?

  33. burton

    the AIDS and intestinal herpes has finally caught up with him.

  34. nikkol

    why do so many chicks wanna do him? or does he pay them all? i still wouldn’t sleep with him even if i was paid. those are what we call standards folks.

  35. shoe

    Aeortic aneurism brought on by the coke and sky high blood pressure. That’s my guess.

  36. MLVC

    DIE. DIE. DIE. horrible actor, stupid ass fucking show…waste of oxygen. I hope that it is a slow painful death. This guy is a fuck face.

  37. Not if I rough you first

    Leave the Charlie, alone Emilio…

  38. wim

    he was stuck in a VAGINA with his mouth, folks.

  39. Mac

    Great comments. Your all a bunch of mindless sheep! as soon as the poor fucker dies you sheep will be calling him a hero and filling forums with R.I.P bs.. unfortunately the majority of you here suffer from mild mental retardation so ill end it here before your feeble minds lose concentration.

  40. Charlie is already my hero and I have the highest respect for him. I think the people who talk crap about him are jealous because he’s famous and they are not. Cheers Charlie, the world still loves ya

  41. Charlie you are the man that other men want to be like. Don’t let mental midgets tell you that your life sucks when it doesn’t and theirs does. You are a highly intelligent very talented actor and have done more in your life time than a dozen other guys combined. Keep up the good work as the world still loves ya.

  42. Charlie Sheen Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    Charlie, America loves ya, don’t worry about how the media likes to twist you life around.

  43. Charlie Sheen Denise Richards
    peter
    Commented on this photo:

    you talking about a big a–. he has then all beat…look at all the folks he put out of work.. as- hole

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