So That ‘Breaking Bad’ Finale


Before I jump into Kim Kardashian’s tits – Coming up next on The Superficial. Stick around! – I thought I’d drop a thread here for everyone to laud/bitch about/meticulously dissect instead of doing work because fuck that last night’s final episode of Breaking Bad. As for my own analysis, there are people doing a much better job of that out there, so I’ll just fart out some quick thoughts:

1. Walt hiding in the snow-covered car. This is one of those clever little moments that the show has been full of, so no wonder it takes them 12 goddamn days to come up with each episode.

2. Gretchen and Elliot. My theory was Walt would poison himself than take the machine gun to gun down Gray Matter completely forgoing the Nazis and die on his own terms. What actually happened worked better because I write penis jokes underneath Britney Spears for a living.

3. The ricin. I like how they got the mystery of this out of the way early because the Internet had speculated the fuck out of it, and last week’s episode had dropped a rather large hint. Now it was a matter of who the gun’s for which became immediately clear and freed the viewer from guessing and just letting the story reach its natural conclusion.

4. “I did it for me.” BOOM. Perfect exchange.

5. The final moment with Holly. This tips my hand a little bit, but dusty, so dusty in here…

6. The showdown with the Nazis. I wasn’t entirely on-board with how Walt managed to talk his way into not getting shot in the head by a guy who likes shooting people in the head, but this A.V Club rundown summed up Walter White’s ability to see the predictable patterns of people.

7. Everything with Jesse was played very low-key and natural. The nod was perfect, everything was good, and then the entire show turned into a prequel for Need For Speed. GODDAMN YOU, GILLIGAN!

8. I’m sure a lot of people expected Walt to go out like a badass (Or choking Skylar, you sick fucks.), but seeing him slump over dead in a meth lab with a smile on his face was the ending I don’t think anyone saw coming and would have a hard time arguing wasn’t the right one.

I actually enjoyed the shit out of the penultimate episode, “Granite State”, because Robert Forster is the goddamn tits, so the finale already had the task of.. “topping” Max Cherry. – *pours ricin in own coffee* – and it delivered. Granted, the show had dropped clues that things would end very badly ala Scarface, and that was even the pitch, “From Mr. Chips to Scarface,” but it brilliantly eschewed all that for a smooth, methodical ending where everything just clicked into place. Also, Vince Gilligan owes the writers of Dexter’s final season money because, Jesus Christ, did they tee it up for him. All Walter White had to do was not drive a boat into a hurricane and return as the Brawny man and people wouldn’t have smashed their TVs in a violent rage. Minus me though because I, like a lot of the Internet, was really heartset on Walt going into witness protection and fathering Frankie Muniz. Or revealing his name really is Walt Whitman, and his father’s name was Dick. Then again, that would’ve necessitated Walt using his hereditarily large penis to kill Uncle Jack and blah blah blah censors. Thank God for fan-fiction. Which I will now write.

Photo: AMC