Brandon Davis is living in the past

August 17th, 2006 // 79 Comments

Brandon Davis recently got out of rehab but showed up drunk to the launch of party of Paris Hilton’s debut album at Suite in Miami and, after crawling on stage, starting yelling about a Firecrotch song he wrote for Lindsay Lohan.

“I wrote a special new song called ‘Firecrotch,’ and it’s for Lindsay Lohan!” He proceeded to ramble on, reminding folks about his infamous online video rant against the actress, which led to him checking into rehab in the first place. An insider tells us the “Firecrotch” song is real and was produced by Scott Storch, who twiddled knobs on Hilton’s album.

It was amusing the first time he called Lindsay Lohan a firecrotch but now it’s getting kind of old. With that much money you’d think he could come up with better ways to get attention than just rehashing his old material. Like buying a couple of bald eagles and eating them in Times Square. Or taking a dump out the window of his solid gold car.


  1. rolson

    What up?

  2. no shit. ‘firecrotch’ is so last week.

  3. jrzmommy

    so sobriety lasted……well, how long does it take to cross a threshold of a doorway? .0000001 of a second? when i look at this guy one word comes to mind and it’s SLOTH.

  4. nwork

    I can’t wait for the greatest hits album.

  5. jimmythefish

    I haven’t heard anything about Lindsay Lohan these days. I wonder what she’s up to. I used to hang out with her all the time, and by that I mean playing with dolls in my parents’ basement before crying myself to sleep.

  6. Tracie

    Why is it that idiotic dickwads like this are always the heirs to family oil fortunes?

  7. purplepuppy

    Who the crap is Brandon Davis?…and why is he such a fuck-face?

    Seriously, can someone tell me please?!

  8. Yeah, he’s rich enough he should be able to hire somebody to write better material for him. Perhaps an ad in Variety, or skywriting.

    Although I’ll give him credit, He probably knew that Paris Hilton’s party would feature her CD, so he knew sobriety would not be an advantage.

  9. knowhere

    what a dumbass. him talking smack about lindsay lohan is like a bum telling someone to dress better and not smell.

  10. RichPort

    This guy’s more obsessed with Lohan than both the Superfish guy and the bikini shop combined! I wouldn’t exactly be shouting from the mountaintops about hanging out with Porous “the human petri dish” Hilton either. He’s even got the alcohol sweats going… gotta love it. Moron.

  11. Wanna Pet My Beaver?


  12. jane's eyre

    I think he might be heir to the Crisco fortune.

  13. He’s probably in the tertiary stage of syphilis and is suffering from mind rot. Linds, aka “Firecrotch”, is probably the one that infected him, hence his demented infatuation with one whose cootch apparently smells like shit.

  14. purplepuppy

    @ #13

    Thanks jane’s eyre!

  15. Ron K

    The douche is part of one of the LOOOONGEST SF threads ever:

  16. happy_bunny

    Am I really supposed to care what this guy says or does? Really? I’d never even heard of him before he insulted Lindsay Lohan. Does he do anything useful?

  17. aimatcha

    “OK, Brandon, you greasy, doughy dickhead. You got attention. Now please go kill yourself and make this world a better place. Take Slimy Storch and Herpes Hilton with you..please…!!”

  18. bigponie

    his got that same fucked up chin like Jay Leno, if it had a hole he could probably shit from it.

  19. Christenwins

    Let’s not skip over the fact that this man is heinously ugly. I imagine he’ll be 57 years old hanging out at some raunchy dive bar screaming “FIRECROTCH” at the top of his lungs and then start laughing maniacly. Then he’ll stumble to his bed made of money underneath a bridge somewhere, because it doesnt matter if he’s rich, he’s still a fucking troll.

  20. danielle

    why is it that in every picture of this moron that surfaces he seems to be sweaty and greasy and butt face ugly?

    geesh, you would think he could afford to get some oil absorbers and a shower…wait, isn’t he heir to an oil forturne? or is that paris latis? or the guy on the corner that paris screwed last night.

    man i’m SO CONFUSED!

  21. fowler

    why does he always look like he just got out of a pool or some shit?

  22. Equalparts

    God, I have to do everything:

    Brandon Davis grew up best friends and in love with Paris Hilton. He was dating Mischa Barton for a year or two a year or two ago, then broke up.

    A few weeks ago, he ran around on the streets of Beverly Hills with Paris Hilton, drunk and going on and on and on and on about LL, including calling her a firecrotch repeatedly. He apologized for his behavior and went into rehab because of it and then had a “team firecrotch” t-shirt made up, which he wore, like , on his way into rehab. THen he gets out and made a song about it.

    He is just a fat coward who would shrivel up into a jiggling ball of jelly, crying like a little girl on the sidewalk if he ran into LL in a dark alley. Hell, so would I.

    He looks like the cook at “El chapultapec”, the Mexican dive down the street from my house, after a 15 hour shift cooking chorizo.

  23. Haroof

    Can’t believe this moron gets any press.

    Someone needs to take his money away and kick him to the curb.

  24. ImSuicidal

    It looks like somebody punched him in the mouth and his teeth sunk back into his head!

    Sweaty alcoholic piece of shit!

  25. MollyPoo

    “He looks like the cook at “El chapultapec”, the Mexican dive down the street from my house, after a 15 hour shift cooking chorizo.”

    Holy crap, that was priceless!!!

  26. herbiefrog

    sounds like you just cant beat the music
    it’s all flowing in one didrecion
    no matter what any one says
    flowing downhill
    no problem
    flow with it

    [this copy...etc]

    its like a loop inside his brain, he cant help it, ok next…

    stortch is just an ignorant f*ck

    who does that leave?

    oh hello paris

    [smile back]

    yes i do have the advantage
    that must be a bit unusual
    for you
    to say the least

    lol bitch :)

  27. polypam

    I think we’re missing the whole point of this article. “Twiddled knobs” on PARIS HILTON’S album.

  28. Fugurself

    Brandon Davis. Wow, a twenty-something with man-tits.
    One more reason to keep the estate tax.
    As Rick James said, “They should’ve never given you people money!”

  29. BriBri

    Ugh! He always looks wet and greasy all at the same time.

  30. jane's eyre

    @23 And how do you know what the cook looks like? Hmm.

  31. bunnyhugger

    HI, JANEY! looks like you’re finally up and running!
    : )

  32. Alice-Mary


  33. Equalparts


    Uhhh…cause I eat there?

  34. herbiefrog

    ok let me just lay some rules
    no more

  35. Cruzadas

    I wonder why the guy is always sweaty on his ugly face, I mean: that’s gross.

  36. YoMamma

    Brandon Davis is a chump.

  37. LL

    That bit about how he looks like the cook at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the shift was priceless.

    Ugh, don’t know what to think. On one post, you have crack whore mommy and daughter together, looking like they just finished servicing the entire city of Los Angeles, on another, a walking advertisement for 90% income tax rate on the wealthy (or two, if you count Paris). Not sure who I should feel more contempt for, Lindsay or the greaseball and his former girlfriend.

    OK, I guess greaseball and Paris win by a nose. But if Lindsay starts whining about how hard it is to show up to a job you get paid millions of dollars to do, I just might have to change my mind. Consider yourself warned, Lohan.

  38. jane's eyre


    Uhh..”Mexican dive” doesn’t sound like that great of a place to eat to me. My bad. Just pray you don’t get food poisoning from the chorizo. Believe me, it’s not fun.

    Hi Bunny!

  39. radically4peace

    This is that type of guy who tells one good joke and everyone laughs, then he runs it into the ground by telling it at every party… And seriously, if he thinks he invented firecrotch, he’s going to be really sad when he realizes that a 4th grader invented it like 100 years ago.

  40. Justin Igger

    he bought crack from me yeserday

  41. happy_bunny

    Hi, jane.

    #25 Eew! he’s doing that tight-lipped Bo Derek smile to try to make himself look like he has cheekbones!
    Plus he’s sweating through his sunglasses. I didn’t know that was possible. He totally looks like early fat coked-up elvis.

  42. LL

    That’s right, I have nothing better to do. I was wondering how much money this tool has and looked it up. His grandpa was some old rich oil guy (now deceased). Per Forbes (from 2001):

    With a fortune estimated at $4.5 billion, the richest oil man on the list, and No. 82 overall, is Marvin H. Davis. The former wildcatter made a fortune drilling for oil in the Rocky Mountains and then used his fortune to invest in real estate, the film industry and professional football. Several years ago his privately-held company Davis Petroleum Corporation began investing in natural gas exploration in his old Rocky Mountain stomping grounds, as well as to the south along the Texas Gulf Coast.

    Another reason to try and conserve energy, if it keeps one more nickel from going in Brandon Davis’s bank account. Maybe his accountant will embezzle all his money and he’ll have to get a real job. We can only hope.

  43. radio4play

    firecrotch!!!!! heehaw its back omg its back nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    dip dip

  44. herbiefrog

    ya know what…
    if i had a dollar spare
    i’d send it to afica

    cos in atd=firica

    children and peopole
    are dying
    every day

    every hour

    every minute

    and yes
    you may not want to think about it, but…

    every second

    did you eat every m0orsel ?


  45. herbiefrog


  46. Toonlite

    ….Mmmmmmm…and yers from now this fucker will be sitting in the Bilderberg Group ruling the world…writing the Firecrotch song for us poor folks.

    well..okay what is Bilderberg?…lookit up

  47. I agree, firecrotch is getting old… I mean we discontinued the panties that said “I have a firecrotch” last week and the Firecrotch Sex Toy two weeks ago! Gosh!

  48. I Will Eat Your Children

    This dude sweats more than the average Greek, with all that money he could at least hire someone to follow him around and wipe his brow.

  49. 86

    Lindsay should make a tape of herself calling him “Sweatstache”. mmm, sexy.

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