Bradley Cooper Might Be The New Indiana Jones

March 26th, 2014 // 22 Comments
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Now that Disney owns the right to Indiana Jones, it’s time to milk the fuck out of this puppy except there are two small problems: 1. Harrison Ford could literally die at any second. And 2. Shia LaBeouf has evolved into a non-famous fart-sniffing entity of such pure pretentiousness that it gave James Franco a boner. Which brings us to Bradley Cooper who’s already in-house with Disney as the voice of Rocket Raccoon, a raccoon with a goddamn machine gun, and now possibly the new Indiana Jones, so wow, banging Victor Garber is really paying off right now. Not counting the Oscar nom. That was cool, I guess. Via Latino Review:

Our ever reliable sources (same folks who told us about Rocket Raccoon) are informing us that while Harrison Ford might still play Indiana Jones in the next film of the franchise, the window of making that happen is getting smaller and smaller.
There is a date and if Indiana Jones 5 is not moving forward by then, the studios are 100% prepared to recast a younger Dr. Jones and ready up a new trilogy.
Let’s be realistic, Harrison is not the box office draw he once was and he is only getting older.
Don’t think of it as a reboot but just recasting the same way the James Bond (Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig) movies have been doing for the better part of five decades.
And who just might be one of the actors that the studio is looking at ? The word is that they are looking at several but Bradley Cooper is at the top of the list.

Of course, another approach would be to come up with an original movie concept not based on a preexisting property but you know what that doesn’t get you? Cocaine. Mountains and mountains of cocaine. I’d be shot in the street if I said that within a 100 miles of Hollywood if not torn limb from limb by carnivorous studio execs, their black beady eyes glazed over with hunger. If you listen closely, you can probably hear them now wailing into the moonlight. “CoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooke.”

Photo: Columbia Pictures

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  1. BryceT

    This guy is so overrated. He plays the exact same person in EVERY movie.

    • Partially agree. The only time he veered from his angry-clench-teethed delivery is Han Solo and that’s only because he smiled in that one.

      “I like Indiana, dad”
      “I didn’t crash the plane”
      “I am the president of the United States”
      “I didn’t kill my wife”

      I DON’T CAYARE!

  2. Meh, I could think of worse choices. I could think of better choices, too, mind you.

    But yeah, a new, fresh idea out of Hollywood would be just fucking revolutionary. A goddamned paradigm shift, if you will.

  3. anonymous

    God dammit. I just knew it. I told my coworkers that once IJ gets rebooted the first person they’ll turn to is Bradley Cooper and his cocaine-fueled acting style.

  4. Cock Dr

    There is only one Indiana Jones and the actor who plays that man now lives quietly in Jackson Hole MT…except for when he’s contractually obligated to emerge for promotion of movies, movies now hijacked by The Mouse. God I hate The Mouse!

  5. Swearin

    Indiana Jones is a man of few words; he only speaks when he has something powerful to say (barring the occasional dry quip). The rest of the time, he talks with his fists.

    Bradley Cooper is not that man. He talks constantly, usually when he has very little meaning behind his words, and his sarcasm levels reach higher than the Paramount logo that began every Indy film.

    A younger Han Solo I could see him as.

  6. I’m pretty sure Tom Selleck wouldn’t say no. Fool me once and that whole thing. Rick and TC are available. Cooper could be the talking Ferrari that says “oh no you di’nt” a bunch and is constantly on Twitter (with an R2-D2 license plate).

    TC: Indy, when are you going to pay me for the gas you used in my chopper?
    Indy: As soon as I recover [insert topical archaeological artifact] I’ll have enough.
    Rick: Hey, you said you’d pay your bar tab first!
    Ferarri: OH NO YOU DI’NT!!!

    Queue John Williams and roll credits.

    • TheJoaker

      M pretty sure I have no clue what’s happening here

      • We almost got Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones 30-odd years ago. Which means Raiders very likely would have sucked for that reason alone. (See: Selleck’s own Indiana Jones attempt two years later in High Road to China. Better yet, don’t see it.) And then it would never have become this uber-popular franchise we’re discussing today.

        Yeah, maybe Cooper wouldn’t fill Ford’s shoes. But I also remember when people scoffed at that wisecracking guy from Moonlighting or the stoner dude from Bill and Ted being cast as action heroes.

        And every time I think of when we dodged a miscasting bullet—like Selleck as Indiana Jones, or when Sylvester Stallone was supposed to be Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop—I wonder how many times we didn’t dodge that bullet, and how many movies could have become potentially successful franchises if not for poor casting. Like, ditch Will Smith (and the overly jokey script) and maybe Wild Wild West had a shot at that.

  7. i didn’t see the last film so i won’t bother with any new ones either.
    this reboot can totally fuck off.

  8. melcervini

    Nathan Fillion would be FAR better

  9. ace11

    No wonder he is with somebody 18 years younger

    She is more mature than he is

  10. Johnny Barbells

    …oh, NOW it matters what actor plays what character …oh, NOW it’s all about certain actors not being right for certain roles …but, back when it was affleck scoring batman, this comment section was full of “oh, quit whining, he’s a good actor, he’ll be fine, give him a a chance” douchebags.

    • Johnny Barbells

      …actually, i don’t hate cooper as indy …i’m not doing backflips, but i’m not against it either.

  11. Say the movie hypothetically turned out to be great — there will still be no overcoming the sacrilege.

  12. OR, and I know this is crazy talk here… they could leave the fucking series alone. I think fans were slapped in the dick enough with Chrystal Skulls, that guy who isn’t a celebrity anymore swinging with monkeys, and commies with Rocky and Bullwinkle accents… Just leave it the fuck alone. Of course, the chances of this are about as high as a Kardashian growing a set of morals… so I’m just going to start drinking now in preparation for the inevitable terrible abortion that will no doubt come.

  13. Indy was the fortuitous intersection of 2 creative geniuses and 1 indelible actor. Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford. It was lightning in a bottle for a once in a lifetime event: Raiders of the Lost Ark. It won’t be repeated, no matter how many times they try. Not to mention the scripting and storytelling ability of Lawrence Kasdan and Philip Kaufman, and a new ILM movie magic factory hungry to unleash its creative force upon the world. They may succeed at making something NEW that is extraordinary but they will never repeat what was.

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