Brad Pitt’s wedding ultimatum

April 1st, 2009 // 85 Comments

Brad Pitt has apparently told Angelina Jolie that they get married, or he’s giving her the ol’ Jennifer Aniston treatment. OK! Magazine reports:

Why is Brad putting his foot down? While his Oscar-winning baby mama frantically pursues film and humanitarian work, he’s essentially been a single dad — and he’s “stressed out,” a friend of Brad tells OK!.
Both Brad and Angie — now holed up at NYC’s posh Waldorf Astoria hotel while she films the spy thriller Salt — are even too fried for sex. “Their relationship is so out of kilter, he believes marriage is the only thing that will bring it back around.”

Ha ha. Very funny, OK! Magazine. Let me tell you how I knew how this was an April Fool’s joke: 1. No man wants to get married. That’s why God made bridal gowns look like princess dresses. (Nice one. Jerk.) 2. Marriage doesn’t improve one’s sex life. No, really, you could’ve said “Brad wants to marry Angelina in the hopes of finding a real live dinosaur together,” and it would’ve sounded more believable. I’d probably even send them a gift.


  1. ed


  2. Jrz

    What a weird-assed wedding this would be.
    It will start with a bloodletting in Tibet follwed by 3 nights of chanting on a mountaintop in Honduras. After getting some mystical passage from The Bangladeshi Book of Doom tattooed on her ass, Angie will sacrifce a three-headed goat into a fire pit and then pee all over Brad’s face.

  3. hahah These broads who writes those “magazine” have no clue. Yeah sound like a demand from a strapping man…

  4. ihateangelinaalmostasmuchasmadonna

    Okay, both ‘Fish and Jrz’s comments made me laugh until I snorted.
    it’s gonna be a good day.

  5. Somewhere in the distance, Jennifer Aniston laughs and rubs her front hooves together. I also enjoy the irony of her “it’s a girl” bullshit update in the lower right hand corner.

  6. farty mcshitface

    why anyone would want to marry this crazy, anorexic hag is befuddling. he needs to bolt pronto!!!.
    let the dumb bitch’s nannies raise the kids like they always have been.

  7. Kim Kardashian

    No no no – the guy pees in the girl’s face. Otherwise it’s just sick.

  8. Like Brad isn’t fucking anything he wants. pffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttt…………….

  9. should have said...

    “Brad wants to marry Angelina so he can have her committed.”

  10. huh?

    “Angie’s dress is just like her mom’s”

    So, what…covered with worms?

  11. Jrz

    And the happy couple is registered at…UNICEF.

  12. @ 2 Jrz– there has to be dragons in there somewhere. Without dragons it would be null and void. *nods head**

  13. mike

    And when the minister says “you may kiss the bride” her brother runs up and sticks his tongue down her throat.

  14. @12 – you know she’s going to bitch slap the D.O.R.K. out of you.

  15. James Haven

    #13 Yes!

  16. Blue Eyes

    First, I could give 2 shits about there sex life ughhhh, and second if they get marries or not……. really doesn’t matter to me. Karma’s a bitch and what comes around goes around!

    Any better JRZ???? It’s a slow process, but I’m trying. LOL

  17. Jon Voight

    I hope Angelina can put our conflict aside for one day and permit me the honor of walking her down the isle. I know it would mean a lot to me, but also to Maddox, who’s growing up so fast, and also…uh…Shakira…and Shahira…is it Shakira or Shahira? No, it’s Shahara, right? Shahara! Anyway, they’re lovely kids and Brad is a wonderful father and I just know that one day Angelina will get help for her mental problems.

  18. Jrz

    Zan, you know Guy Holly thinks of Dragons the way we think of Bacon…ain’t NOTHIN in this world that can’t be made better with bacon…..except cheese.

    Blue Eyes….getting better…now make fun of their mini UN a little and you’ll be on the right track.

  19. Amy

    Ummm…girls aren’t the only ones who want to get married. That’s bullshit. Plenty of men want to get married.

  20. Liam Neeson

    Brad, look, it’s much simpler than all that. Tell her that she needs to be a real wife and mother, not just a woman who performs those roles when the public is watching. Tell her that a relationship will always fail if the sexual part is crowded out by all the other demands of a busy life. And if she doesn’t hear all that and recommit herself to a full, rich personal life with you and the kids, push her head-first into a tree.

  21. Jrz

    Why’s Jessica Simpson look like a canary or a parakeet>

  22. Tom Cruise

    #19 – yes. But they’re mostly closeted gay men. So I hear.

  23. Jrz

    Here it comes! YES!
    Gisele Ripped by Bridget’s Pals: Stepson Used as “Prop”

    …”If Gisele loved Bridget’s child like he was ’100 percent her own,’ then she would not talk about him in the press,” a friend told the New York Post. … “Is she so desperate for attention that she can’t find anything more productive to talk about other than Bridget’s child?”

  24. Raging Minotaur

    I miss Jrz. :(

  25. Potato F0cker

    ” too fried for sex”

  26. Jrz

    I’m right here Mr. Minotaur.

  27. Shut the fuck up!!

    #10- Ok, loser- that is a big time FAIL!

    Making fun of someone’s mother who died of cancer? Not even remotely funny.

    Huh? Nevermind…your name says it all. Professional fucking idiot.

  28. Marcheline Bertrand

    @28 – lighten up, Francis.

  29. The wedding pictures would take hours as each tried to out-smolder each other for the camera. Zoolander would be proud.

  30. Celbutard Focker

    These two I drill
    and fill
    with seed of demon.

  31. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 28!!!

  32. justifiable

    What a story! Accurate news and for 50¢ less than US WEEKLY! Who the fuck is doing their marketing, anyway? All they’re missing is a Bat Boy pictorial.

  33. Jrz

    haha! out-smolder.
    I wonder if she’ll make the brown one the flower girl or pick one of the white ones.

  34. Steve

    Aniston could be best man.

  35. Karen

    Brad wants her to be home more because now ALL the nannies (even the lesbians) want him to fuck them and that’s just exhausting.

  36. Jrz

    Prickly Airways non-stop flight to Offendedville now departing at Gate #28

  37. Brad: “I demand more 3rd input, thats why i left jenny in the first place,,,and some oral in the morning as soon as I pop up”

    *Quotes may have been altered for realistic purposes*

  38. Rhialto

    I understand that Angelina Jolie isn’t waiting to get married?

  39. Jrz

    My horriblescope basically just told me I’m a stressed-out lunatic.

  40. entomologist

    He needs to understand that she’s fighting a heroic battle that she’s destined to lose. She’s abstaining from sex because she knows that one of these days she won’t be able to resist the instinct to eat his head afterward.

  41. sam

    I know most of the press on these two is probably bullshit, but I have read a lot of reports about the kids “running wild” and not one about how well behaved they are. And if you google Brad and Angie, the results say they are either on the verge of a split or thinking of adopting again. WTF?

    My prediction: despite all the kids together, Brad is going to end up in the company of Johnny whats-his-face and Billy Bob Thorton. Angelina seems to selfish to maintain a relationship, and as hot and humanitarian and whatever else she is, there will be a point where none of that can outweigh the evil witch side of her, and Brad will have had enough and will hopefully get out with at least one of his balls intact.

    Also, it doesn’t matter how many nannies you have… you can’t hand off everything and six kids is a lot, especially when they are young and the twins are NINE MONTHS old. If they want to stay together and not have the kids be totally fucked up, they should forget about 15-hour-a-day movie jobs and be parents for a little while.

    Oh, and the “most beautiful woman in the world” looks like absolute SHIT in that fugly gray wig some idiot producer is making her wear.

  42. The train to Pleasantville will be 28 MINUTES LATE!!!

    #34 – She’ll have the brown one in the kitchen and Vietcong one driving.

    #38 – TSFSRT

  43. Darth

    Perhaps Brad Pitt is too old for her?

  44. Jrz

    You are cordially invited to the Indignant Festival
    28 Pissy Row
    Insultedtowne, USA.

  45. Gando

    Maybe Maddox doesn’t allow her to get married?

  46. Oh-oh...

    So, there is tons happening on this cover, yet the only thing my eyes will look at is that scary-ass evil Kathy Griffin. It’s like a car accident. I know that I’m looking at something that will certainly give me nightmares for the rest of my life, yet I cannot turn away. It’s like a tractor beam. Help me. There is a buzzing in my ears, and my eyes are bleeding….

  47. Overhead Page Lady

    May I have yo’ tenchun please….would the ownuh of a blue Chev-RO-lay…license plate numbuh 321-A as in Apple, M as in Mary, K as in…….Keesha….please cawl de operatuh. thank you……..dang…why peoples thank dey kin park wherever duh hale dey want anyhow?….I’m what? Oh, damn….

  48. Galtacticus

    On the other hand,who wants to be a kindergarten cop? Maybe Brad Pitt is the only one?

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