Brad Pitt pulls a Britney Spears

May 24th, 2006 // 322 Comments
pitt-baby-bicycle.jpg

Looks like Brad Pitt has been taking child care lessons from Britney Spears. Last Thursday he went for a bicycle ride in Namibia with Maddox and Zahara but didn’t properly secure Zahara in a child trailer, instead strapping her to his back in a blue papoose without a helmet. According to the author of The Safe Baby:

“[Zahara] needs a helmet and closed-toe shoes,” Holtzman tells Us Weekly, which features photos of the outing in its new issue. “And I highly recommend toddlers ride in a child trailer pulled by a bike. It’s more stable and secure.” Baby Talk senior editor Christina Vercelletto agreed. Makers of the baby-pack “specifically say, ‘Do not use while riding a bike,’” Vercelletto told us. “[It] will affect your balance. The safest place for her would be in a toddler bike seat.”

It’s encouraging to see Brad Pitt isn’t as good at parenting as he is at looking really really good without a shirt on. The only hope the rest of us have as human beings is that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will be so bad at parenting their child doesn’t make it past age 12. Because if that genetically perfect son of a bitch reaches adulthood it’ll pretty much rule the world. Imagine the power of supermodels, but multiplied by 86 bazillion.

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  1. Pinky….make a face like you smell something really bad and go, ‘WHAT’S THAT SMELL’ and then look directly at her twat.

  2. Erin

    I really don’t see big deal about this. He’s riding around on a bike in the desert, not the middle of Manhattan. Bicycle, people, not motor bike. Nobody wore helmets when I was a kid, so I never really have gotten the helmet thing anyway.

  3. M@ce

    Enough with all the “baby safety” crap. Ninety percent of the people on the planet don’t use or have access to all the crap people in this country use to secure their hellspawn, and you know what? Their children somehow survive.

    Helmet and close toed shoes…fucking ridiculous.

    SMASH!!

  4. pinky_nip

    Zanna~

    That second picture of him is freaking me out. Those eyes! He looks like some creature in a low-budget Sci-Fi channel movie.

    P.S. Incest is best.

  5. Fisher55

    here’s a XMas card photo of Angie and her brother:

    http://www.thephatphree.com/_photos/502/2_31.jpg

  6. 86

    Maybe Angie thinks that it’s not really incest if your brother is gay.

  7. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Dropping your baby on his head and then trying to juggle him with a styrofoam cup full of vodka and then threatening to shoot him is not the same as safely securing your baby to your back with Nambian-woven cloths (which are the strongest in the world – made from %100 Cherokee hair). I say Brad beats Britney again, just like last year’s celebrity strip MahJong tournament, which was on pay-per-view.

  8. Let’s see, Brad Pitt is fathering a biological kid with Angelina and he’s adopted her foundlings, which means that after the inevitable breakup, he’s going to be paying big, big bucks in child support.

    We already know that Pitt bails when things get rough, and the average lifespan of a Hollywood relationship is a year at best. I hope Pitt can still get acting jobs, he’s going to need a steady stream of cash.

    http://www.mrnumerology.com/celebrities.htm

  9. M@ce

    The kid is going to be a stunningly beautiful hermaphrodite who, being unable to find any other human anywhere close to good looking enough to have sex with, will screw itself until it disappears up its own asshole.

  10. Charlaurz McHall

    i really hope that the kid turns out to be ugly. i just want it to end up with all he odd features these two have, in a really weird combination… otherwise i think the world has really serious threat facing it… a child that can blind people with its beauty.
    http://celebreligion.com

  11. Dee

    She acts like she’s roughing it in Africa, yet she has an OB traveling with her.

  12. Autumn

    I am so sick of these two morons…she’s always been weird but I used to actually think he was a cool guy. Why must he be a turn into whomever he dates?! Grow some balls!

  13. pinky_nip

    At the top of the page in the ad section it says: “Britney’s Fat-Loss Secret
    How Britney lost her extra weight. And how you can too! Her secret.”

    Who the fuck are they talking about?! Certainly not the queen of all cheetos.

  14. Fisher55

    why does this site suck so much lately? they only post new stories in groups now? wtf??

  15. Xanthia

    Good Freaking Grief! How many of us were trussed up and covered in pads and helmets when we were riding bikes????? Wow – what fun. Let’s go to a country that has a heat index of probably about 5,000 in a scrub brush shade, slap a helmet and closed toe shoe son, maybe some knee pads, elbow pads, long sleeves and long pant son – but hey! The heat stroke is nothing compared to the danger of riding a freaking bike without a helmet!!!

    Now – back to making fun of Britney……….

  16. ANGELINA: I want to give birth in Namibia.
    BRAD: Why, my love?
    ANGELINA: Because then, technically, our child will be African-American. And that means lots of college scholarships.
    BRAD: I love it when you cheat the system.

  17. Dee

    Brad Pitt strikes me as being a huge bore. That’s probably why he morphs into whoever he’s with, he has no personality of his own.

    I don’t know why anyone feels bad for Jennifer Anston, dating Vince Vaughn must be alot more fun then dating/being married to Brad Pitt.

  18. Clarky972

    Speaking of good looking people having ugly children, have you seen Bruce Willis and Demi Moore older daughter? She really got the weirdest parts of both parents

  19. Pinky~

    Wanna pretend your my sister?

  20. 86

    64 I KNOW!

    68 I KNOW!! The cutest is Tallulah.

  21. liveoutside

    Funny– I thought the heading was referring to Brad’s hat. I would swear that Britney was wearing that hat in one of her videos…

  22. TrannyGranny

    59 M@ce….Holy shit, that ruled!

    People are so over protective, the playground in my elementary school was 3/4″ gravel and cactus, and we played tackle football everyday. Buncha pussies getting more and more sissified everyday. Scabs, whiskey and broken bones are good for kids. Look how awesome I turned out.

  23. Italian Stallion

    My parents originally tried to raise me African but I kept chocking on the chicken bones so they decided it would be better to raise me Catholic…….Lets just say that priest deserved to be shot, there’s nothing in the bible about touching my sausage…….

  24. 86

    I seriously bet the kid ends up looking like Angie’s brother. Eww!

  25. Guess whose bored today (that’d be me).

    A link to what celebrities babies would look like. WARNING: The Heidi Klum/Seal hybrid is particularly distrubring.

    http://www.handbag.com/galleries/gallery/gossip/celebrity_lives/family_offspring/

  26. TrannyGranny

    Stallion;

    What about that passage where dude gets eaten by the whale…I always thought that was an analogy that allowed priests to feel little boys. Cause gay whales will attack a submaringe to suck out all the sea-men.

  27. Ari

    M@ce, you make me hot when you speak like a normal person.

    And I agree, not having a helmet on a kid on a bicycle is NOT the same thing as driving around L.A. (Malibu?) with a baby on your lap.

    Brad used to be semi-cool, and Angie, though beautiful, is a fucking freakshow.

  28. Saucie

    Tranny Granny, where in CO are you from? Perhaps we are neighbors?

  29. TrannyGranny

    Saucie,

    I live in the mountains outside Boulder. Howza bout u?

  30. Saucie

    Tranny – Monument, across from the Air Force Academy.

  31. Fisher55

    they have the internet in boulder? you guys have indoor plumbing too?

  32. IFuckingHateYou

    Seriously, do you people think Angelina is hot? Even before she got knocked up and huge? I’ve always thought she was freaky-looking with those twig-like arms & legs and ballons glued to her face where lips should be. I just don’t get it.

  33. TrannyGranny

    Fisher….I don’t live in Boulder, I’m about 30 miles west, the town is so small no one has heard of it. And I live way the fuck back in the woods from there. Boulder has more millionaires per capita than anywhere. And, funnily enough, I lived for the first year without running water or indoor plumbing.

  34. Italian Stallion

    @77 make Stallion laugh….M@CE probably want to SMASH submaringe though……..

  35. TrannyGranny

    Saucie;

    Where is your pass at? I missed getting the Co pass last year (in Miami for work) so I went to Eldora all season. Can’t wait to tear up Keystone again this year!

  36. Saucie

    Tranny, alas, I do not ski. My recreational sport of choice is motorcross trail riding. Have 2 kids and hubby who is triathlete so we have to choose wisely. Although I watched the Olympic snowboard cross and thought it looked like ass-kicking fun.

  37. pinky_nip

    I wish I was cool and lived in Colorado.

    Zanna.. hello sis.

  38. Jacq

    #71 – By cutest you mean least ugly of the bunch, right? Even with the money and priviledge (sp? I don’t give a shit today), I can’t pick one of them that I would like to be. Speaking of If They Mated…

    #85 – Submaringe or sub-minge? I would think that on a hermaphrodite, the sub-minge is the micropenis.

  39. Saucie

    I thought Minge was one of Madonna’s nicknames.

  40. TrannyGranny

    Saucie;

    I’m getting a motorcycle when I get home, awesome riding right out my back door.

    Jacq; I can’t spell! but I love what you did with sub-minge

  41. 86

    89 yes exactly! I give Ashton 5 years before he hits it.

  42. Saucie

    I must say it is the most fun you can have with all your clothes on.

  43. Ari

    Oh, great. I’m being moderated again…

  44. Italian Stallion

    Jacq, either I’m an idiot, or Tranny is (no offense bitch) , because I thought he was trying to say Submarine and accidentally hit a “g” too, but if he was being funny with the Sub-minge then I’m the Idiot because I don’t even know what the hell that is. Maybe I should ask CruisingForCock, she’s obviously an expert on cock’s or perhaps you can explain it…………

  45. Jacq

    #95 – Let me clear this up. You’re an idiot. But only for thinking that anyone on the face of the planet know more about the penis than myself. But that’s ok, cause I love you.
    Tell me though, how big are your fingers (the both of yous) that you accidentally hit the n & the g at the same time? I’m intrigued… Er, wait, Tranny are you still typing with your tongue?

    #92 – Totally Woody and Soon-Yi.

  46. TrannyGranny

    Saucie; Ride naked, but wear a brain-bucket

    Stallion: No offense…I got all my rabidly lashing out of my system last night. Tsaramanda’s ass probably still hurts. (I’m willing to love you today, girl)
    Where was I, Typo with the G on my end. Minge is another glorious word for pussy, cunt, vagina, pink, taco, coochie, flower…shit, am I out of synonyms already

  47. pinky_nip

    twat

  48. Ari

    snatch
    quim
    beaver

  49. pinky_nip

    well, this is just a piece of the cunt:

    beef curtains

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