Brad Pitt pulls a Britney Spears

May 24th, 2006 // 322 Comments

Looks like Brad Pitt has been taking child care lessons from Britney Spears. Last Thursday he went for a bicycle ride in Namibia with Maddox and Zahara but didn’t properly secure Zahara in a child trailer, instead strapping her to his back in a blue papoose without a helmet. According to the author of The Safe Baby:

“[Zahara] needs a helmet and closed-toe shoes,” Holtzman tells Us Weekly, which features photos of the outing in its new issue. “And I highly recommend toddlers ride in a child trailer pulled by a bike. It’s more stable and secure.” Baby Talk senior editor Christina Vercelletto agreed. Makers of the baby-pack “specifically say, ‘Do not use while riding a bike,’” Vercelletto told us. “[It] will affect your balance. The safest place for her would be in a toddler bike seat.”

It’s encouraging to see Brad Pitt isn’t as good at parenting as he is at looking really really good without a shirt on. The only hope the rest of us have as human beings is that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will be so bad at parenting their child doesn’t make it past age 12. Because if that genetically perfect son of a bitch reaches adulthood it’ll pretty much rule the world. Imagine the power of supermodels, but multiplied by 86 bazillion.



  1. Johnny Be Good

    What an idiot.

  2. leahdeadly

    i stand by my previous comment: their baby will either be really good looking or practically deformed.

  3. DonLes91

    Anyone who’d leave that hot piece of ass Jennifer Aniston can’t be too bright anyway.

  4. Uh oh… Angelina better put him in check.

  5. Johnny Be Good

    Even if Angelina Jolie is amazing looking and a gymnast in bed, is it really worth tagging along with her and her pack of orphans through every third world hellhole on earth? Someday Brad will wake up in a tent somewhere in Africa to a couple of crying kids and an aging Lara Croft and wonder why the fuck he isn’t waiting for room service at the Beverly Hills hotel instead.

  6. boobiezmagee

    I understand the helmet, but why does the kid need closed toe shoes?

  7. GeannaSparrow

    Anybody who follows Britney’s parenting skills, should rot in hell.

  8. Agenda of Rage

    I would say he’s pulling a Kevin Federline as well. But with more talent.
    “Angie, I know you’re prego, but carry that kid anyway. And always walk behind me, you know, like they do in Saudi Arabia.”
    But, either way, helluva hot couple.

  9. trulymadlydeeplytori

    i really agree with #5.

    uhhh Brad Pitt is a hetard. Im surprised he didnt put her in a pot and cook her.

  10. pinky_nip

    As quoted in Safe Baby: “Also, Sean Preston should be wearing a helmet 24/7″.

  11. Jacq

    At this point, he could leave her to bake in the desert, crack open her head and eat the brains and STILL be a better parent than Shitney.
    Look people, they’re under a shroud of secrecy in Namibia so that no one can photograph them abusing their kids.

    So they string him up for this stuff about Zahara and no one cares that Maddox was riding in the front of the bike? On Brad’s erect penis?

  12. grateful

    I can’t wait for the pics of Angie in a dissheveled halter top & thong up to her navel.

  13. 86

    Angie hearts Billy Bob.

  14. Proteon

    Hmm nobody was hurt in this story. I think the story might have been called:



  15. Fisher55

    Do they even *have* closed-toe shoes in Namibia?

    I think when you live there, you grow skin on your feet that functions as thick sturdy “closed-toe” leather shoes anyhow

  16. Fisher55

    i mean really, why is that child even clothed? brangelina have no respect for native Namibian custom, obviously

  17. 86

    I just love how pissed they look in this picture.

  18. gas_up_the_hrududu

    Hey, at least he wasn’t making Maddox pull him around in a rickshaw. “Yah, mule!” *cracks whip*

  19. Craig & "em"

    Damn…the title of this was just a lil misleading!
    I was all anxious to read about Brad Pittiful, and how he just broke down into tears at a Zahara restaurant while swatting at flies saying, “I could have had any chick I wanted…now I’m no more than a baby’s daddy to a whole fucking country”! All the while George Clooney is in the background at the bar, squeezing two brazilian models asses while watching the new Jennifer Aniston movie saying…”Brad…get over here! You gotta see this movie…it’s funny as hell and Jen looks great! Do you still have her number?”

    OK…I have a long winded imagination, but that don’t mean it can’t happen!

  20. #2, I totally agree. this child could be really beautiful, but it could easily go so wrong. Angelina and Brad are good looking in individual ways that only really work on them…if this baby just ends up with all their weird bits it could look like an alien! oh let’s hope so! (i am kidding, sort of…i know it is not the baby’s fault)
    oh yeah, another ‘celeb’ baby was born recently:

  21. Why do they need a helmet? They’re surrounded by nice soft sand.

    Anyway, I’ve seen two good looking people have ugly kids and I’ve seen two HEINOUS people have gorgeous kids. You just never know but I’m hoping for a freakshow.

  22. IFuckingHateYou

    Pitt sucks and I remember reading somewhere that he has BO that is just god-awful.
    Jolie is a skanky whore who’s lips are fatter than her thighs, just grotesque. Their baby will be one fugly little shit.
    Why anybody would leave Jennifer Aniston for a skank who banged Billie Bob and enjoys making out with her brother just mystifies me.

  23. Dr.Rokter

    “Baby Talk”? “A magazine for obsessive/compulsive parents suffering from accute anxiety disorder”.

    “How to keep your child safely encased in a rubberized foam shell until age 21.”
    “Top Ten, ‘Genius Toys’ that encourage strong cognitive development and a rich emotional life.”
    “100 virulently poisonous chemicals your child shouldn’t consume – but you were too stupid to know better.”
    “Best developmental theories of 2006: how creating a ‘dialogue’ with Baby nutures the passionate soul of children and their parents!”
    “Fire burns and knives are sharp: 100 potentially dangerous things to fret over endlessly to make sure your child grows up hostile and nuerotic.”

  24. Linnea

    Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could have a native Nambian baby roasting and everybody would still like them better than Jennifer Anniston. Ah fame, such a faint flicker. Like burning babies. Except not.

  25. 86

    I hope the baby is a boy with her big lips. A boy with those lips would make a great drag queen.

  26. vanya_k

    That baby will be great looking as long as they can replicate the very effective plastic surgery they both have gotten.

    They should set up an escrow fund for the kid that it can use when it gets to be 18 or whatever age they allow people to start getting p-surgery.

  27. You know, not too long ago, kids got to ride bikes without helmets, they got guns for Christmas, and everything wasn’t “child-proofed” … the ones that were stupid enough to die, died. And the world was a better place.

    Now that natural selection has come to a screeching halt, I saw we encourage the Britneys and Brads of the world to just keep doin’ what they’re best at… being self-centered pricks.

  28. 86

    I love you, MeanNate.

  29. JerseyGlamGirl

    I heard that Zaharra has “Rickets” ….. Can you die from that ?? SO SAD.

  30. JerseyGlamGirl

    I read it on the internet, so who knows how true it is. However, that would explain why she isn’t walking yet.

  31. gogoboots

    The helmet makes the baby so much heavier, come on, she’s on his back, don’t you know?!

  32. Phoenix

    Oh well, shit happens.

  33. ranesing

    How do you know she is not walking yet?

  34. PapaHotNuts

    Big fucking deal. I’m pretty sure falling of a bicycle is better that fighting flies for that last grain of rice Zahara would be looking forward to if she hadn’t been adopted. She’d be washing her only shirt in the same river the villagers piss in while dodging crocodiles in 150 degree heat. Let the baby fall, she needs to toughen up anyway if she’s gonna to school with rich white kids.

  35. You know what I think is interesting? That everyone assumes this kid is going to be beautiful. Have you seen Brad Pitt’s brother? Not all that cute, really. And Angelina came from John Voigt. He’s not really all that much too look at either. So just because Brad and Angie are both disgustingly easy on the eyes doesn’t mean their kid will be. What if it comes out looking like Angie’s brother? *shudder*

  36. gossipmonger

    Found this online: 16 month-old Zahara Jolie-Pitt suffers from rickets, a bone disorder that she developed while in an Ethopian orphanage. When she came down with a cold, Brad learned that rickets makes her more susceptible to all sorts of diseases that are common in Africa, including malaria and yellow fever. He became concerned for her health and brought her back to the states for medical care. Babies get sick a lot and Zahara will probably be fine, but this reopens the conflict between Angelina and Brad as to where Angelina will give birth.

  37. Jacq

    #36 – I much more like the idea of JV’s huge, ugly head on a baby’s body. That or a Conan O’Brien If They Mated baby.

  38. Jedi Kevin

    That was a Britney-sized mistake, but I’m sure the double standards police won’t allow Brad to take the same kind of heat.

  39. ash23

    that baby is going to be georgeous!!!
    and angie is going to be upset because brad is going to make difference between his son and angies adopted kids

  40. crazydelicious

    who gives a fuck what that pussy does?

    he’s such a low-life.

  41. that baby is going to be georgeous!!!
    and angie is going to be upset because brad is going to make difference between his son and angies adopted kids

  42. Proteon

    #37 I liked Dennis Leary’s Christmas special too you theif.

  43. tits_on_snack

    1) Ange looks like a bone-rack Posh Spice.
    2) Does she have Zahara strapped on her, overtop of her pregnant belly, while Brad carries nothing?
    3) Ange looks like a bone-rack Posh Spice.

  44. 86

    I wish my bitch was as hot as Brad.

  45. Edna Bambrick

    I will pray for all. Jesus Saves.

  46. People are bitching about Pitt’s parenting skills with regards to bicycle safety?? They are raising those kids in Namibia, for Christ’s sake. If that isn’t a commentary on their parenting skills, I don’t know what is. Namibians don’t want to live in Namibia, and these two rich fux willingly do? I hope the witch doctor has steady hands when he circumsises baby Muumu-Googanga. I hope a Marxist-led uprising doesn’t occur that leads to wholesale slaughter and wanton cannibalism. I hope neither Pitt nor Jolie come down with some incurable, bizarre, freakish ailment that is highly communicable and certainly deadly. I mean, they’re in Africa, what’s the worst that could happen? The kid falls of his bike and stubs a toe… only to be ravaged by a pack of lions.

  47. pinky_nip

    That baby will look like a sack of shit.

    And even if it doesn’t, it still will be a fucked up mess. That kid will be making out with Zahara and Maddox at some club in 16 years.

    I’m in a pissy mood because my coworker is eating stinky left-over goulash and slopping it around with her mouth open.

    I feel like kicking someone in the cunt.

  48. 86

    48 you should go microwave some stinky leftover fish. Nothing worse than stinky leftover fish.

  49. Okay, here is her brother James (Jamie) when they were kids:

    here is her brother now (his eyes are as big as her lips):

    Doug Pitt is second from the bottom on this site – but also notice on your scrolldown the nice romantic lip lock between Angelina and her brother.

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