I put off writing about this because I wasn’t ready in my heart to accept it, but Brad Pitt is in the process of adopting Angelina Jolie’s kids.
A legal petition seeking to change the names of the children to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt was filed Friday in Los Angeles, publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a written statement to The Associated Press.
“We are confirming that Brad Pitt is in the process of becoming the adoptive father of both children,” the statement said. “No further comment is being made.”
Looks like my dreams of stealing Angelina Jolie away are officially crushed. It wasn’t as depressing as when she married Billy Bob Thornton, since he’s an ugly sack of old smelling flesh and you knew Angelina would eventually come to her senses, but Brad Pitt is a decent looking guy, and if he becomes the father of her children the odds of them breaking up pretty much drops to zero. And if they don’t break up, I probably won’t get a chance to sleep with Angelina Jolie. And if I don’t get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, I’ll probably have to stick my head in a blender. And if I have to stick my head in a blender, I’ll probably be dead. And that, my friends, is low on my list of things to be.