Brad Pitt Is Officially An ‘Old Guy’ Now

Long gone are the days of “Old Grand-Dad Brad” getting hammered and telling his kids that their mother doesn’t love him anymore and threatening to jack a fuel truck to prove his point. In an in depth interview with GQ, Brad opens up about life after Angie without bringing her up (because he knows she’d vaporize him) and how he can feel his fingers again after giving up drinking after the divorce…

“I was boozing too much… It just become a problem. And I’m really happy it’s been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I’ve got my feelings in my fingertips again.”

Keep in mind, it was an all-out war between Brad and Angelina before settling on his supervised visitation schedule, so maybe leaning on couple cold Leinenkugels was all he had for a while and it’s good he’s realizing he was a walking cliché. Afterall, everyone knows that Leinenkugel is the official beer for guys over 50 who hang out at bowling alley bars complaining about how their ex-wives turned their kids against them. It’s their only safe space… *puts down 3rd Leinenkugel since 10am*

Like most people who jump on the wagon, Brad was hit with the reality of his own mortality and realized he may have been a bad father because he spent all his time working… and the whole affinity for Leinenkugels thing…

“People on their deathbeds don’t talk about what they obtained or were awarded. They talk about their loved ones or their regrets—that seems to be the menu… I say that as someone who’s let the work take me away. Kids are so delicate. They absorb everything. They need to have their hand held and things explained. They need to be listened to. When I get in that busy work mode, I’m not hearing. I want to be better at that.”

Jesus, Brad? Your deathbed? Good golly you’ve been getting deep since you gave up the Leinenkugels…

“I grew up with a Father-knows-best/war mentality—the father is all-powerful, super strong—instead of really knowing the man and his own self-doubt and struggles. And it’s hit me smack in the face with our divorce: I gotta be more. I gotta be more for them. I have to show them. And I haven’t been great at it.”

This is literally what his character in Terrence Malick’s “Tree of Life” didn’t get either. Does anyone remember “Tree of Life”? No? What was it, the gratuitous leftover stock footage from “Planet Earth”? Was it that you couldn’t figure out the fragmented plot timeline? Not enough tits so you bailed on it for Arby’s? That’s fine… I liked it. It was very well done.

Anyway, People also mentioned this fun fact about Brad’s new “sad dad” lifestyle…

Pitt has been spending much of his time working with clay, plaster, rebar and wood to make things. The solitude allows him to reflect and “try to make sense of where we are at this time.”

Honestly, I feel bad for Brad. I get that people make mistakes and alcoholism can put you one bodyslam away from being the worst parent on Earth, but c’mon… this guy is living at his buddy’s house making sculptures in a robe until his next scheduled visit with his kids! You know he’s drinking Fresca too, all sad dads who get on the wagon trade Leinenkugels for Fresca- it’s a law of nature.