Brad Pitt Cleared Of Child Abuse, Angelina Jolie Just Thrilled

“I noticed your breasts are looking awfully fuel truck-ish tonight… No, don’t say that. That’s stupid.”
“Brad, you’re talking out loud.”
“Shit!”

After an investigation that grew to include the entire family and involved 18 branches of government, Brad Pitt has been cleared in his child abuse investigation. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell us … DCFS concluded Wednesday it would close the investigation involving an incident in Sept. between Brad and Maddox on a private jet. The Dept. reached the decision … Brad did NOT commit child abuse during an argument that ended with physical contact.
The case was exhaustively investigated. Social workers interviewed Brad, Angelina, the kids and witnesses on the plane. Everyone cooperated in the investigation. No further action will be taken.

Naturally, Angelina Jolie was delighted that the father of her children has been cleared of abuse and an outside investigation has determined they’re safe under his supervision. And by delighted I mean, haha, fuck you, this shit will last forever.

Angelina Jolie is chomping at the bit to prove Brad Pitt abused at least one of his kids, and she thinks the divorce judge will believe her allegations and limit Brad’s custody.
TMZ broke the story … the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services has closed its child abuse investigation into an incident on a private jet between Brad and 15-year-old Maddox.
Angelina has filed for primary physical custody of the 6 kids … Brad has responded, saying he wants joint custody. Sources connected with Angelina say she feels the kids would be at risk if Brad gets joint custody, and if he doesn’t drop his claim she’ll present evidence to the divorce judge that Brad has committed abuse.

Of course, you’d think a bigger concern might be figuring out how many of their kids President Trump will deport, which actually shouldn’t be too hard because it’s the not white ones. And probably the girl who dresses like a boy before someone bakes her a cake. Mike Pence was pretty adamant. He’s not budging.

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Photos: Getty