Brangelina Have Called A Truce (For The Next 5 Minutes)

“Ah, God, she spit venom in my eye!”
“And I’ll do it again, you bastard. Sssssupervised visitsssss.”

The last time I covered Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce, the two of them were threatening each other with secret recordings because apparently their marriage had dissolved so badly they were making their kids wear wires. More egregiously, Brad Pitt made a surprise appearance at the Golden Globes Sunday night and did not drunkenly drive a fuel truck on stage, so this whole world needs to burn.

Anyway, back to the boring stuff. Since the recording fiasco, the two have been fighting over whether or not their divorce documents should be sealed and throwing all kinds of shit back and forth at each other. They were scheduled to be in court later this month to hash things out, but in a surprising move, they reached a mutual agreement full of big words that I’m pretty sure mean we’re not going to see Angelina Jolie punt Brad Pitt’s severed head into a Pinkberry. So… dammit. Us Weekly reports:

“The parties and their counsel have signed agreements to preserve the privacy rights of their children and family by keeping all court documents confidential and engaging a private judge to make any necessary legal decisions and to facilitate the expeditious resolution of any remaining issues,” the actors’ reps told Us Weekly on Monday, January 9. “The parents are committed to act as a united front to effectuate recovery and reunification.”

Wait. Recovery and reunification? As in they might be getting back together? Great, now we’ll have to do this all over again in two years when Brad has three beers on a plane instead of two and starts talking about how he feels more like a soccer coach and less like a dad and, no, he’s not yelling. He was just telling the Dutch boy looking one to buckle the damn seat belt. Why don’t you take another pill, Angie? Oh, good, get the camera out. Let’s do the fucking cameras again. Hey, Jon! How’s it going, Jon? Wanna tell me how to run my fucking family, Jon? You fucking right-wing piece of shit. *bursts into cockpit* Move! I’m driving now. — Because I’m Brad Pitt, motherfucker!

Okay, never mind. I’m on board with this. Let’s do this.

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