Blake Lively’s Rack and Something About Teens Making Choices

Because we live in a cold, cruel world devoid of mercy, sense or compassion, last night was The 2011 Teen Choice Awards hosted by I have no fucking clue, but more importantly Blake Lively’s awesome breasts were there, so you can stop reading right now and I won’t be offended. On that note, a lot of people ask how I am able to remember all these up-and-coming teen “stars” who aren’t the more prominent Christ Returned to Earth to Pop and Lock and the Vessel Upon Which He Spills His Seed. And the answer’s quite simple, really: Mnemonic devices. Granted, I’m probably using that term exactly wrong, here are 12 attendees – Sans of course Maple Christ and Wife who get their own post because I’m in the Internet money printing business. – and how I’m able to keep track of every Tom, Dick and Jane that makes a vampire movie and/or is a future body transplant for Walt Disney’s unfrozen head:

Hot Chick From Twilight Whose Lawyer Made Me Take Down Her Naked Pics
Swarthy Homosexual She Pretended To Date
Lindsay Lohan From a Parallel Universe Where Coke and/or Dina Doesn’t Exist
What Dudes On Steroids Think They Look Like (I’ll Never Understand This)
Cutty McSnitchpopper von BingenPurge
Believed John Mayer Wanted Anything But Anal
Michael Phelps?
Dude From Glee GQ Shoot Where You Somehow Don’t Notice Lea Michele’s Nose
Sucks at Water Sports
Thought This Was a Rising Teen Star, Just Avril Lavigne
Werewolf Jones

And before somebody says these people have real names, do they? Do they really? (For those of you noticing that I actually did write their real names in the captions, that was a typo.)

Photos: Getty