Because we live in a cold, cruel world devoid of mercy, sense or compassion, last night was The 2011 Teen Choice Awards hosted by I have no fucking clue, but more importantly Blake Lively‘s awesome breasts were there, so you can stop reading right now and I won’t be offended. On that note, a lot of people ask how I am able to remember all these up-and-coming teen “stars” who aren’t the more prominent Christ Returned to Earth to Pop and Lock and the Vessel Upon Which He Spills His Seed. And the answer’s quite simple, really: Mnemonic devices. Granted, I’m probably using that term exactly wrong, here are 12 attendees – Sans of course Maple Christ and Wife who get their own post because I’m in the Internet money printing business. – and how I’m able to keep track of every Tom, Dick and Jane that makes a vampire movie and/or is a future body transplant for Walt Disney’s unfrozen head:
Sparklepenis
Hot Chick From Twilight Whose Lawyer Made Me Take Down Her Naked Pics
Swarthy Homosexual She Pretended To Date
Lindsay Lohan From a Parallel Universe Where Coke and/or Dina Doesn’t Exist
What Dudes On Steroids Think They Look Like (I’ll Never Understand This)
Cutty McSnitchpopper von BingenPurge
Believed John Mayer Wanted Anything But Anal
Michael Phelps?
Dude From Glee GQ Shoot Where You Somehow Don’t Notice Lea Michele’s Nose
Sucks at Water Sports
Thought This Was a Rising Teen Star, Just Avril Lavigne
Werewolf Jones
And before somebody says these people have real names, do they? Do they really? (For those of you noticing that I actually did write their real names in the captions, that was a typo.)
Photos: Getty
There’s a joke in there somewhere about squeezing her oranges, but I couldn’t quite put it together…
h12, go fuck yourself with a wire brush
Oh baby!
what are the only bees that make milk? BOOOO-BEEEESSSSSSS………..
whats up with your hair man!?
Her publicist says the freshly squeezed juice you got is a fake.
i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate her…
i hate her this much… http://pimplemyride.blogspot.com/2011/03/avril-lavigne.html
Very pretty
She must have stolen the shoes from a Wookie.
Ricky Martin 2.0
I think she is lovely, and a fairly decent actress too.
These awards are gayer than I (don’t) remember them.
Nude huh? did she puckered up like Casey? That’s the “nude” to beat at the moment.
Like.
Whos the roman empress?
Are they going to torment this kid like Tom Cruise?
she’s so beautiful from the neck down
you’re on drugs
Extremely overrated.
Weird face. Fake tits. Seen women with better bodies from waist down.
Not sure what all the hype is about.
If you were a straight male, you’d understand.
Besides, them titties are not fake. And even if they were, they’re still awesome.
Like RJ said, a heterosexual male would understand.
Dude, if you don’t think her boobs are fake, then I have good reason to suspect you’ve never seen real ones in person.
Her tits ARE fake.
I watched (The Town). Gosh she cant act for her life! And the whole scene with Ben on the couch- the most uncomfortable thing I have ever seen. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if she did some extra grinding against him for the sake of the job…
http://ednajohnson.7live7.com/Bookmarks/
The best legs in Hollywod.
Dumb shoes.
David Hasselhoff looks great!
Ironically, nobody cares what teens choose.
is it me, or is she just a slightly prettier version of Helen Hunt?
15 min=over
Dear Teens,
Don’t choose this.
Somebody stole his Chinese finger trap
I’m guessing she looks like a sack of rakes naked.
I was thinking hoes.
Great…I’m the first person to say “pit vag.” My life is now complete.
Life after GLEE will be a motherfucker for this guy.
Is he working part-time as an usher?
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
“This is going right up on my mantel – next to the trashcan I got from Nickelodeon.”
Once again, Kate Gosslin’s hairdresser works his magic.
A nice UK accent can’t make up for that busted face.
At least she appeared to comb her hair for this event.
And is she still seeing gay ass Leo. That mofo has never even done a steamy love scene. Fudge packer.
Have you discussed your homosexuality with your family yet?
Wait—how many characters on Glee have Down’s Syndrome?
Can you move the surfboard more into the frame, Cory? Darren doesn’t look short enough.
The dress is so boring that the dumb shoes are a bit of comedy relief to the whole outfit.
Now see, if i was creative director, I couldve saved MTV a shitload of production money and just had random people from the audience hand picked to eat Emma Stone’s box onstage for 3 hours.
Fuck yeah. I’d buy that for a dollar.
Why is this chick famous?
She is very sexy and I would ravage her for hours .
Man overboard !
Nice rack Blake
She’s alreaDy looking like a used outlet mall whore
“Cutty McSnitchpopper von BingenPurge”
Hey Shakespeare… you know that stupid line “what’s in a name?” In this case… EVERYTHING.
Total butterface.
Love how these bitches get freaky and pose for self nudes that get plaster all over the internet then go to kid’s awards shows. LOL
she is familiar with “Seventeen”?
No, but apparently you are. Why don’t you have a seat right over there?
No implants and who would even glance at this person?
how ’bout everyone?! you are gay and blind!
mmm… moist!
Judging by his accessories, Cracker Jacks have treated him well over the past years.