Blake Lively’s Rack and Something About Teens Making Choices

August 8th, 2011 // 78 Comments

Because we live in a cold, cruel world devoid of mercy, sense or compassion, last night was The 2011 Teen Choice Awards hosted by I have no fucking clue, but more importantly Blake Lively‘s awesome breasts were there, so you can stop reading right now and I won’t be offended. On that note, a lot of people ask how I am able to remember all these up-and-coming teen “stars” who aren’t the more prominent Christ Returned to Earth to Pop and Lock and the Vessel Upon Which He Spills His Seed. And the answer’s quite simple, really: Mnemonic devices. Granted, I’m probably using that term exactly wrong, here are 12 attendees – Sans of course Maple Christ and Wife who get their own post because I’m in the Internet money printing business. – and how I’m able to keep track of every Tom, Dick and Jane that makes a vampire movie and/or is a future body transplant for Walt Disney’s unfrozen head:

Sparklepenis
Hot Chick From Twilight Whose Lawyer Made Me Take Down Her Naked Pics
Swarthy Homosexual She Pretended To Date
Lindsay Lohan From a Parallel Universe Where Coke and/or Dina Doesn’t Exist
What Dudes On Steroids Think They Look Like (I’ll Never Understand This)
Cutty McSnitchpopper von BingenPurge
Believed John Mayer Wanted Anything But Anal
Michael Phelps?
Dude From Glee GQ Shoot Where You Somehow Don’t Notice Lea Michele’s Nose
Sucks at Water Sports
Thought This Was a Rising Teen Star, Just Avril Lavigne
Werewolf Jones

And before somebody says these people have real names, do they? Do they really? (For those of you noticing that I actually did write their real names in the captions, that was a typo.)

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. DKNY

    There’s a joke in there somewhere about squeezing her oranges, but I couldn’t quite put it together…

  2. Robert Pattinson Teen Choice Awards
    maria
    Commented on this photo:

    whats up with your hair man!?

  3. Her publicist says the freshly squeezed juice you got is a fake.

  4. Avril Lavigne Teen Choice Awards
    samuel
    Commented on this photo:

    i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate her…

    i hate her this much… http://pimplemyride.blogspot.com/2011/03/avril-lavigne.html

  5. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Pibb
    Commented on this photo:

    Very pretty

  6. Avril Lavigne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She must have stolen the shoes from a Wookie.

  7. Joe Jonas Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Ricky Martin 2.0

  8. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she is lovely, and a fairly decent actress too.

  9. Colin

    These awards are gayer than I (don’t) remember them.

  10. Ashley Greene Teen Choice Awards
    Roughed in translation
    Commented on this photo:

    Nude huh? did she puckered up like Casey? That’s the “nude” to beat at the moment.

  11. Avril Lavigne Teen Choice Awards
    Roughed in translation
    Commented on this photo:

    Like.

  12. Emma Stone Teen Choice Awards
    Roughed in translation
    Commented on this photo:

    Whos the roman empress?

  13. Joe Jonas Teen Choice Awards
    Roughed in translation
    Commented on this photo:

    Are they going to torment this kid like Tom Cruise?

  14. kulit

    she’s so beautiful from the neck down

  15. Wut

    Extremely overrated.

    Weird face. Fake tits. Seen women with better bodies from waist down.

    Not sure what all the hype is about.

  16. Edna Johnson

    I watched (The Town). Gosh she cant act for her life! And the whole scene with Ben on the couch- the most uncomfortable thing I have ever seen. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if she did some extra grinding against him for the sake of the job…

    http://ednajohnson.7live7.com/Bookmarks/

  17. My Left Nut

    The best legs in Hollywod.

  18. Avril Lavigne Teen Choice Awards
    My Left Nut
    Commented on this photo:

    Dumb shoes.

  19. Joe Jonas Teen Choice Awards
    j/k
    Commented on this photo:

    David Hasselhoff looks great!

  20. Ironically, nobody cares what teens choose.

  21. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    is it me, or is she just a slightly prettier version of Helen Hunt?

  22. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    seals
    Commented on this photo:

    15 min=over

  23. Sean Kingston Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Dear Teens,

    Don’t choose this.

  24. Sean Kingston Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Somebody stole his Chinese finger trap

  25. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m guessing she looks like a sack of rakes naked.

  26. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Great…I’m the first person to say “pit vag.” My life is now complete.

  27. Cory Monteith Glee Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Life after GLEE will be a motherfucker for this guy.

  28. Darren Criss Glee Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Is he working part-time as an usher?

  29. Emma Stone Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!

  30. Emma Stone Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “This is going right up on my mantel – next to the trashcan I got from Nickelodeon.”

  31. Robert Pattinson Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Once again, Kate Gosslin’s hairdresser works his magic.

  32. Robert Pattinson Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    A nice UK accent can’t make up for that busted face.

  33. Cock Dr

    At least she appeared to comb her hair for this event.

  34. terry

    And is she still seeing gay ass Leo. That mofo has never even done a steamy love scene. Fudge packer.

  35. Cory Monteith Glee Teen Choice Awards
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait—how many characters on Glee have Down’s Syndrome?

  36. Darren Criss Glee Teen Choice Awards
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    Can you move the surfboard more into the frame, Cory? Darren doesn’t look short enough.

  37. Avril Lavigne Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    The dress is so boring that the dumb shoes are a bit of comedy relief to the whole outfit.

  38. Deacon Jones

    Now see, if i was creative director, I couldve saved MTV a shitload of production money and just had random people from the audience hand picked to eat Emma Stone’s box onstage for 3 hours.

  39. Mee Mee

    Why is this chick famous?

  40. Carl Spackler

    She is very sexy and I would ravage her for hours .

  41. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Carl Spackler
    Commented on this photo:

    Man overboard !

  42. See Alice

    Nice rack Blake

  43. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Bafoon Qwalitee
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s alreaDy looking like a used outlet mall whore

  44. “Cutty McSnitchpopper von BingenPurge”

    Hey Shakespeare… you know that stupid line “what’s in a name?” In this case… EVERYTHING.

  45. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    miguelito
    Commented on this photo:

    Total butterface.

  46. Angus

    Love how these bitches get freaky and pose for self nudes that get plaster all over the internet then go to kid’s awards shows. LOL

  47. the one

    she is familiar with “Seventeen”?

  48. Jimbob

    No implants and who would even glance at this person?

  49. Blake Lively Teen Choice Awards
    Amir
    Commented on this photo:

    mmm… moist!

  50. Sean Kingston Teen Choice Awards
    nooooooooooo
    Commented on this photo:

    Judging by his accessories, Cracker Jacks have treated him well over the past years.

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