Hugh Hefner’s Finally Being Asked About Bill Cosby

Now that we’ve established who’s totally kissing who, you guys, watched Kendall Jenner get spanked by Santa, and learned how many women Leonardo DiCaprio fucked this weekend alone, let’s check in on Bill Cosby and the mountain of shit that’s flowed out of him since the last mountain of shit two days ago:

Hugh Hefner & The Playboy Bunnies

After a new former Playboy bunny came forward and accused Bill Cosby of raping her and 12 other women in the 70s, Hugh Hefner was forced to address the allegations which he did by neither confirming nor denying them and basically acting like he had no idea what has going on:

“Bill Cosby has been a good friend for many years and the mere thought of these allegations is truly saddening,” Hefner said in a statement. “I would never tolerate this kind of behavior, regardless of who was involved.”

Except now the LAPD wants to talk to Hugh Hefner which will only be productive if the words, “I’m old and forgot my pills,” actually points to clues. “Wait. Did he see pills? Gum once if the pudding man did it, boy!”

Patton Oswalt

While appearing on Pete Holmes’ You Made It Weird podcast, Patton Oswalt revealed that Bill Cosby’s rapeyness was a “very badly kept secret” in the world of comedy. Via Uproxx:

“The Bill Cosby thing is so f*cking awful. And what’s even worse for comedians is a lot of us have known it for a long f*cking time. It was a very badly kept secret in the comedian world.”

Of course, this contradicts both Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld’s sudden shock and surprise, and raises an even more important question of WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING?! Oh, right, careers. Sorry, “alleged” rape victims, but in fairness, you could’ve just bit his dick. That’s on you.

Ben Vereen

And now for the worst defense of Bill Cosby. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen!

Pray for Bill Cosby. Pray for the ones who are scandalizing him, more so,’ 68-year-old Vereen told Entertainment Tonight on the red carpet during the New York premiere of Chris Rock’s comedy Top Five.
‘I love the man. I support you, Bill. We’re praying for you… aren’t there more important things to talk about in this world?’

That’s right. Pray to Jesus to help Bill Cosby. And then pray even more for them godless harlots, so their hearts will turn from wickedness and stop trying to bring a righteous man down for having sex with them after had too much drink and pills. Now, aren’t there more important things to talk about? Like my hat! It says “Spiritual Enforcer” because I’m a church man. Mmm-hmm. Ain’t no one more caring than a church man. I love everybody. Except rape victims. They going to Hell.

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