Never Drink Anything Bill Cosby Gives You

“Theo, and the Rudy, and the Vanessa, quiet down while your mizza matha mother’s pill kicks in!”
“Why, Heathcliff Huxtable, did you drug me again?”
*does goofy jazz dance, sticks tongue out*

Now that I’ve made light of a fucking horrible situation, last week Tom Scocca wrote an awesome piece for Gawker that I was going to post, but then went and saw The Lego Movie instead. – *winks at Pulitzer committee* Journalism, bitches. – In it, he reminds the Internet that just like Woody Allen, beloved comedian Bill Cosby also has a publicly documented history of sexual assault (Definitely worth reading.) that everyone just chose to forget because, I dunno, sweaters. A history that involves a routine pattern of drugging woman and inappropriately touching them, if not outright raping them, like this incident which was just one of four lawsuits reported in major media outlets and then brushed under the rug:

When Plaintiff advised Defendant she did not feel well, Defendant led Plaintiff to a sofa, because she could not walk on her own, where he laid her down, under the guise of “helping” her.
Subsequently, Defendant positioned himself behind Plaintiff on the sofa, touched her breasts and vaginal area, rubbed his penis against her hand, and digitally penetrated her.
Plaintiff remained in a semi-conscious state throughout the time of this ordeal.
At no time was Plaintiff capable of consent after the pills affected her, and at no time did she consent to Defendant’s acts.

So apparently “bozzum bizzum pudding pops” means “I put the drugs in your drink so the finger goes in the vagina pudding pops.” I knew it! More importantly, one of his accusers, Tamara Queen who Cosby left $200 on the table after assaulting her, saw the Gawker article and came forward to Newsweek to reaffirm her story and why she finally came forward in 2004 after he allegedly assaulted another woman:

I was sitting in my kitchen [in 2004] and saw CNN was covering the “allegation” that another girl had been drugged and assaulted by him, and I thought, surely this will all come out now, surely it’s happened all over the place. Then the district attorney issued a statement that it was still under investigation, but it seemed a “he said / she said” type of situation, as all sexual assault cases are. So I called and left a very substantial message, and I didn’t hear from them. I called the detectives, and didn’t hear from them either. All I wanted to do was back her up, so I called her lawyer, and they took my statement and listed me as a Jane Doe. Then, the media found me, and completely assaulted me.
The first thing I thought when I heard [the 2004 allegations] was, “Really, at [his] age?” I guess the drugs explain all that.
A lawyer told me I would be crazy to come out after 20 years and accuse him. But I waited and waited to see who would back this girl up, and nobody else would. The Cosby team started smearing her, making her seem petty and loose and cheap.
I saw how nobody believed her. She had trusted him, and he had drugged her and then assaulted her, just like what happened to me. I saw that nobody was going to take him on, so I felt like it was my duty to risk my neck and stand [up] for all the other women who’ve been assaulted by him.
Why did you wait so long to report this to the authorities?
I always get asked that question. Here’s a question: that girl who he attacked in 2004, how did it work out for her? It never works out, unless you’re bleeding and there’s DNA and an eyewitness. I was 19 and he was the king of the world, so how was it going to work? I was a teenager. Nobody would’ve believed me.

As for people who didn’t believe her in 2005. That would be NBC employee Matt Lauer who got this zinger as a thanks:

He was particularly irritated when he interviewed me because he was dealing with a sexual harassment lawsuit of his own at the time. He is also a little guy who is losing his hair. That must make him cranky… He kept saying, “If you make this accusation, you’re not going to be able to unring the bell.” I said, “All you have to do is keep your pants on and keep your hands to yourself. It’s not that hard.” If you do, this won’t happen to you.

“He’s a little guy who’s losing hair.” Ha! That’s so Raven, and I’ll go kill myself now. I don’t deserve a life.

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Tags: Bill Cosby