Beyonce and Jay-Z maybe getting married

December 5th, 2006 // 66 Comments

Sources are saying that the four-day “surprise” birthday party Beyonce is throwing for Jay-Z next weekend will actually be a wedding.

“Beyonce is throwing Jay a four-day birthday party, but it’s really a wedding,” said one source. Guests, including family and close friends, were told to have passport applications filed by last Friday so they can attend the bash on a yacht in St. Barts. But insiders said the guests will also be ferried over to Anguilla for the wedding at Cap Juluca, a five-star resort with Moorish villas. Another spy said Knowles and Jay-Z had toured the site earlier this year and approved it for their nuptials.

Jay-Z is cool and all, but he’s not somebody you marry. Mostly because you have sex with people you marry and his face looks like it was made while God was drunk. Like God was stumbling around the office going, “Well he’s got two eyes. And a nose. And a mouth. Ahh, that’s good enough.” And then God passed out on the sofa and nine months later out popped Jay-Z.


  1. I used to like them. And then they got together and covered each other with suck.

  2. i don’t believe it.. but i don’t care

  3. I think he has so much money and has done everything else, he might be doing it because he is bored.

  4. aliomali

    prescription pills make everyone happy and make Jay-z marry Beyounce…

  5. EJ

    Personally, I always love surprise parties that last multiple days at a time. Every day of the party the guests are all like, “Surprise!!” and I’m all like, “Oh! My! Gosh!” and they’re all like, “Were you surprised?”, and I’m all like, “Was I ever!!” And then we all talk about who is more Mensa-like: Paris or Jessica Simpson. It’s so uber-fucking-cool.

  6. sitara

    If we’re lucky*, when/if they divorce, they’ll do a little angry duet on stage of ‘You’re Replaceable’ and ‘Ninety-Nine Problems and a Bitch is One’. Sort of like an answer to their Bonnie and Clyde song, except less Burberry, more lawyers.

    *for various definitions of lucky, including ‘condemned to pain’

  7. Jay-Z is awesome. “Jay-Z is cool and all…”, but he’s ugly? SO the fuck what? Even better for him.

  8. NipsyHustle

    god obviously was inspired by mr. potato head when he created jay z. thank god, the man is filthy rich. can you imagine the babies they wil have?

    if they have a daughter it will probably have beyonce’s body and his face and if they have a son it will look 100% like beyonce. actually, that would be awesome to see a rapper’s kid grow up to be a drag queen.

  9. NipsyHustle

    of course he’s ready to marry now. he’s an old white man now. he’s advertizing for budweiser and has nascar drivers in his video. and he signed lady sovereign to a rap contract trying to sell her as the female “eminem” which if i were “eminem” i would totally take as an insult because her rhymes are wack and she totally bites missy elliott’s style.

    he’s tired. it’s time he get married and go live quitely in the suburbs like a good henpecked husband

  10. chuutriit

    Will they be serving Cristal?

  11. Tits_McGhee

    Yeah, Jay-Z needs to be thanking his lucky stars he bagged a chick like Beyonce, cause if he weren’t famous, the only ass he would be getting would be from the woman who tries to sell me her toothbrush on 86th street.

  12. biatcho

    Definitely gonna roll up to the ceremony sitting in the jacuzzi that is built into the outer shell of a super-strech hummer limo with a bunch of ho’s and some handguns.

  13. justme

    Is he considered to be a gorilla or an orangutan?

  14. Boogie Monster

    # 16 – A Gorilla… Look at the mouth on that thing! Orangutans have thin lips.
    Plus i’ve seen him drag his knuckles around on stage – Another Gorilla habbit.

    Maybe Gwens hair do has been hypnotizing Beyonce into thinking his the hottest guy on the planet???

  15. Denimpetal

    #17- you’re hillarious! :)
    Oh god I HATE celebrity weddings. In all this haste to get it done before the media does, draws even MORE attention.
    It annoys me most because they KNOW if it wasn’t for the papparazzi, they would not have careers. I don’t give a shit when any whiney rich drags on about the paps. What did you think was going to happen when you attempted to come famous.
    it would be hillarious to give every pap a paid day off, as a secret, or suprise. Then britney etc would explode. What would they do all day?
    and OI! Don’t diss Lady Soverien (I don’t care that I’m not spelling properly), I’m her bitch. lol
    Peace Out

  16. They need to pull a Rachel Bilson-Adam Brody

  17. irapback

    Shut the motherfuck up. I’d let Jigga fuck me sideways. and I’m a 23 year old blonde virgin with massive titis and flat stomach.

    on a side note, Money always makes guys attractive.

  18. BriBri

    I read somewhere that he has a monster sized wing ding.

  19. There's a Surprise Inside

    I read somewhere that Beyonce is actually blind.

  20. Kristin

    It sounds like he’s getting a suprise birthday party but it turns out he has to get married.

  21. There's a Surprise Inside

    Yeah – a total trap!

  22. Guess noone told these idiots that celeb marriages dont work.If millions of people world wide want to have sex with you AND there’s some kind of monetary conditions to your marriage it’s over before the ceremony is.

  23. Tracy

    SURPRISE!! We’re married! Hey, didn’t that happen to Britney once?

  24. BarbadoSlim

    Waking up next to any of these two is the true meaning of nightmare. In JayZ’s case you would need blacked out glasses to not be turned into stone from all his oogly, and for Beyonce you would need some sort of Costeau designed breathing apparati so as not to be suffocated by her monstrous stank breath.

  25. isitin

    Hey #12 NipsyHustle, and what is wrong with being an old white man???.

  26. EJ

    A 23 year old blonde *virgin* with huge tits and a flat stomach?


    I suppose it goes without saying that those are man-tits and you have a little cock?

    I love the internet. Did I mention I’m the reincarnation of Aphrodite and I have more money than Bill Gates and the Walmart heirs combined? Tomorrow, however, I will be a twelve year old boy possessed by the vengeful spirits of Cleopatra and Ivan the Terrible. Stay tuned.

  27. NicotineEyePatch

    Until he finds out she’s really a man and can’t have kids – “Fuck you, bitch! Destiny’s Childless! Get your shit and step!!!”

  28. NipsyHustle


    there is nothing wrong with turning into an old white man as long as you don’t look like wilford brimley and pronounce diabetes as “diabeetus”.

    if you’re a white man, fine turn into an “old” white man. it’s what you’re suppose to do. but it’s not what god intented for ‘hova.
    ny rappers who grew up slinging drugs in the ghetto to get street cred shouldn’t turn into “old white men”. it’s just not right.

  29. Steeno

    props to EJ.

    irapback, thanks for the laugh, now GTFO. you, too, HolisticWisdomcom

  30. superficially

    i hope their kids will be ugly so we’ll have something to laugh about in the future

  31. killeristic

    woah. no way! shes so pretty! i think she deserves someone better. though he can rap

  32. arden

    He is just one ugly motherfucker. I mean UGLY, and not so super talented, and doesn’t seem so super charming either. I don’t get it.

  33. lysistrata11

    It’s pretty sad when more people comment on Andy Dick than on Beyonce getting married.

  34. Diamond Dallas Page is furious, and is suing Jay-Z for stealing his signature “marrying a big titted hottie.”



    …uh, Congo rats?


  35. RoseColoredGlasses

    He’s one ugly mathafucker! But, then again, Beyonce is one ugly bitch without her make up too…..

  36. RoseColoredGlasses

    He’s one ugly mathafucker! But, then again, Beyonce is one ugly bitch without her make up too…..

  37. jesseeca

    i’ll admit he’s not the hottest guy, but at least he’s skilled at what he does. She sucks, plain & simple. I don’t think anyone but him can know how much of a raging diva bitch she is. He probably just stuffs wads of $100 bills in her mouth to shut her the fuck up.

  38. RichPort

    Jay Z isn’t winning any beauty contests, but he has parlayed himself into one of the most recognizable figures in entertainment. Not bad for a po’ fatherless Brooklyn hustler…

    As for Beyonce… she makes want to pull out my rifle right now and give my monitor a messy 21 cum salute. I would slam that ass like Onyx in the early 90s…

  39. llllllllll

    #17 HAHAHA

  40. RichPort


  41. Morticia

    All that monkey mothafucka needs in that picture is some druel hanging out of the side of his open mouth.

  42. 86

    Can I get a ‘fuck you’ to all of the people who think JayZ can rap?! He hasn’t done anything of note since that song. Now he just sounds like my grandpa trying to keep a beat.

  43. Kat420

    “like god was drunk” hahahahahahhahahahaha oh god it’s so true, i feel ill when i see him.

  44. About fucking time. Maybe Jay-Z can say, “uh huh, uh, uh uh, uh ,huh, uh, will you marry me? Best Groom Alive! uh huh huh huh.”

    Alright, now that was just stupid, unless you are awesome.


  45. HughJorganthethird

    See what slinging crack gets you kids? Thats right, a fine ass bitch.

  46. She’s half white which explains her relative good looks. He’s full blooded ape!!

  47. superficially

    he convinced himself that she’s the hottest bitch on the planet….

    then he started to rap about all his designer shit which was created by a bunch of fags (like myself thank you)

    she, all of a sudden, became ghetto

    i think all this bitch wants is a rich man…the highest bidder….

    i really hope their kids are ugly so we’ll have something to laugh about in the future

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