Jay Z & Beyonce Are Consciously Uncoupling

A few weeks back, the Internet lost its shit after Beyonce started changing song lyrics to oddly specific accusations of Jay Z cheating on her. And now comes word that they’re trying to pretend to be happily married long enough to make it through their “On The Run” tour which makes the fart-sniffing trailer about ridin’ and dyin’ together all the more ridiculous. Which is a goddamn impressive feat considering it already had Jake Gyllenhaal and Sean Penn playing a white gangsta dispensing philosophical knowledge about barbeques in the hood. Page Six reports:

While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said.
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said.
Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jay is the one most at fault? I know he was cheating a lot, but did anyone stop and think for a minute that Beyonce is best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow? Can you even imagine what it’s like being married to that? Picture this: You walk into an empty skyscraper you just bought, take the elevator to the top floor where all the windows are removed so the lights of the city can shine in. As you exit, a pimp-ass quail lands on your arm while you take a seat on a black velvet throne after a day’s hustle. All is seemingly right in the world. Your bitch is even looking into a mirror playing the violin, so like a polite husband who’s about to make them “breastses his breakfastses” (actual lyrics), you ask her how day went.

“I went shopping for organic pashminas in Bruges.”

Nigga, what?

“Oh, and I bought some French cartoons for Blue.”

Hold up.

“Try the macrobiotic sprouts next to your vodka. Gwyneth says Chris just loves them.”

And now the quail’s looking at you because he could’ve sworn this was a lion’s den not no motherfuckin’ Whole Foods. “When birds don’t fear the roar, it’s time y’all lose the whore.” Droppin’ Shakespeare over here.

Photos: Splash News