Jay Z & Beyonce Are Consciously Uncoupling

July 22nd, 2014 // 34 Comments
This Is Getting Awkward
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A few weeks back, the Internet lost its shit after Beyonce started changing song lyrics to oddly specific accusations of Jay Z cheating on her. And now comes word that they’re trying to pretend to be happily married long enough to make it through their “On The Run” tour which makes the fart-sniffing trailer about ridin’ and dyin’ together all the more ridiculous. Which is a goddamn impressive feat considering it already had Jake Gyllenhaal and Sean Penn playing a white gangsta dispensing philosophical knowledge about barbeques in the hood. Page Six reports:

While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said.
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said.
Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jay is the one most at fault? I know he was cheating a lot, but did anyone stop and think for a minute that Beyonce is best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow? Can you even imagine what it’s like being married to that? Picture this: You walk into an empty skyscraper you just bought, take the elevator to the top floor where all the windows are removed so the lights of the city can shine in. As you exit, a pimp-ass quail lands on your arm while you take a seat on a black velvet throne after a day’s hustle. All is seemingly right in the world. Your bitch is even looking into a mirror playing the violin, so like a polite husband who’s about to make them “breastses his breakfastses” (actual lyrics), you ask her how day went.

“I went shopping for organic pashminas in Bruges.”

Nigga, what?

“Oh, and I bought some French cartoons for Blue.”

Hold up.

“Try the macrobiotic sprouts next to your vodka. Gwyneth says Chris just loves them.”

And now the quail’s looking at you because he could’ve sworn this was a lion’s den not no motherfuckin’ Whole Foods. “When birds don’t fear the roar, it’s time y’all lose the whore.” Droppin’ Shakespeare over here.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Mr. Fahrenheit

    “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing,” which is the dream of every rich man living in a community property state.

  2. ZZZ

    They could just shoot each other and put us all out of misery.

  3. Mr. Fahrenheit, Beyonce makes up $450 million of their $1 billion net worth…because she’s a bad ass. I am pretty sure the division of assets isn’t Jay’s concern.

  4. PassingTrue

    If they split up, who gets Obama?

  5. Divorce is expensive because its worth it.

  6. I can’t say I’m surprised. Not many relationships can survive your sister attacking your husband in public and you not raising a finger to help him.

  7. Dox

    At their current rate of marriage counseling, her sister is going to consciously uncouple his ass out of a very tall building while she watches with a self satisfied smirk.

    So… pretty much a normal marriage.
    Definitely wouldn’t want that tainted by giving it to people other than a man and a woman.

  8. Sam

    A Florida jury just award $23.6 billion in punitive damages against R. J. Reynolds Tobacco. Beyonce is trying to get out – with her money – before the next logical step happens: going after Joe Camel.

  9. renotastic

    This seriously shits on Kimye’s failing marriage publicity!

  10. Slash

    At least they’ve got their priorities straight: tour revenue.

    And I’m shocked – just shocked – that two people who are, let’s be frank, usually so far up their own asses it’s probably difficult for them to even perceive other people, can’t make this love story for the ages work out.

    (sniff) I guess it really is true, the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

  11. Somewhere in California, Pimp Mama Kris is making the pregnancy cow call to Kimye. Time to get our spotlight back!

  12. oops

    He’s got 100 problems, now.

  13. Doctor_Joystick

    Fish, I love the way you write. I’d kill to have a 10th of your talent. Not pandering, just paying you a compliment.

  14. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    It’s about time. That man is ugly as sin.

  15. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    donkeylicks
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

    Mind you this was said pre-cheating.

  16. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    egads that man is HIDEOUS

  17. SM

    “And now the quail’s looking at you because he could’ve sworn this was a lion’s den not no motherfuckin’ Whole Foods.” DEAD!!!!

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