Bertney Wins A Trophy!

January 9th, 2014 // 35 Comments

Bertney Wins A Trophy!
A Scholastic Learning Book

Bertney was excited. Papa had told her she was getting an award for Favorite Pop Artist. She didn’t know what that meant, but she guessed it had to do with the time he made her say “Bitch” into a microphone. It was a funny word, and Bertney had fun saying it over and over again.
While the men who talk like girls helped Bertney get her fancy clothes on, Papa explained the rules for the night.
“Absolutely no red carpet, Bertney Jean,” Papa said sternly. “And when someone asks you a question, what do you do?”
“Smile big and nod my head,” Bertney answered proudly. She was getting very good at following the rules. Especially at awards show because sometimes if she goes right to her seat and eats her snacks quietly, Papa will take out his phone and let her play Angry Birds. Bertney loved Angry Birds.
“Very good,” Papa said. “Now, this time David is going to be with you. Who do you tell people David is?”
“My boyfriend,” Bertney quickly answered. She really wanted those Angry Birds.
“And remember to kiss him on the mouth,” Papa added. “We want this to look real.”
“Ewww,” Bertney said before catching herself, “I mean, you got it, Papa!” Phew, that was a close call.
“Alright, places, people,” Papa said to everyone in the room. “Let’s get Bertney to her big night.”
Bertney jumped up and down. She could practically feel Papa’s phone in her hands. Those pigs wouldn’t know what hit them. Slowly, everyone left the room except for Papa who looked very concerned all of a sudden.
“Bertney,” he said, “You know Papa loves you, right?”
“Yes,” Bertney said. “And I already know I gots to let David touch my pee-pee place if I want to play Angry Birds.”
“Well, golly,” Papa said with a smile and a tear in his eye. “Look at you, all growin’ up.”
“My brain’s gettin’ BIG!” Bertney laughed before giving Papa a hug and making their way to the snack cupboard. This was going to the best night ever.

The End.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Mohawk Disco
    Commented on this photo:

    Do not forget to engrave under her name in all capital letters: This is not candy! Do not eat!

  2. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Mohawk Disco
    Commented on this photo:

    I have to admit, they do clean her up nicely.

  3. mx3

    sweetheart milf

  4. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Mohawk Disco
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s the eyes. They’re so lifelike. Madame Tussauds has done a great job.

  5. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Best she’s looked in long time. Her handlers are taking good care of her.

  6. “Ah can see through this football! Ah should be a coach! Rain makes mah feets wet!”

    • “Ah gots two legs from my ass to the ground,
      and when I move them they walk around,
      and when I lift them they climbs the stairs,
      and when I shave them they aint gots hairs.”

  7. malaka

    you could publish these and have teachers read them to kids before nap time in kindergarden.

  8. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I never saw someone so happy about winning a giant but plug.

  9. MrChips

    I was wondering what happened to Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

  10. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Bane
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s that Xanax smile again.

  11. EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

    She’s got that “I can’t wait to shove this up my ass!” look in her eyes again.

  12. Deacon Jones

    Her varying facial expressions are a nice reflection of the halflife and lows/highs of the cocktail of designer pharma drugs seething through her bloodstream.

  13. looks like she needs a good ass eating…

  14. meme

    There’s something very Marilyn Monroe-ish about Britney now.

  15. I watched this shit , she took the stairs to the stage VERY carefully, one mincing step at a time, no right left right, just right right right. Deacon ^is right, they’ve finally gotten the scrip mix down. She managed 3 sentences too. Girlfriend doubtless had an angry birds/cheetoh hoedown later!

  16. Let’s do that thing where i say she looks too stupid to function and you indignantly dissent and then i point out here are official legal papers that prove you wrong and support my impression.

  17. JennyJustice

    Of course she looks better now. She had another nose job a couple months ago and has looked “better” ever since.

  18. mr anthrope

    The partial frontal lobotomy and re-programming after the maniacal head-shaving/umbrella episode have held for some time now

  19. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s time Brittney smarts up and gets her money away from her parents. When you can’t afford decent hair and nails to an award show, and your a multimillionaire, there is a problem.

  20. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    thought bubble
    Commented on this photo:

    (I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about this vajayjay shaped piece uh crap, ya’ll…hurry up and finish before I collapse…)

  21. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Salina
    Commented on this photo:

    Chewing gum. Stay classy, girl.

  22. anonymous

    Wow…she’s made yet another version of that “nude” dress/outfit she (and JLo) is fond of wearing.

  23. the pharmaceutical reps must have worked hard to get her that trophy. she is one of their best customers after all….

  24. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She smiling like a child pageant contestant who has Vaseline rubbed on her teeth and a stage-mom holding a gun to head, hissing: “Smile real pretty or YOU DIE.”

  25. Britney Spears Crazy Faces 40th Peoples Choice Awards
    mar
    Commented on this photo:

    nadie se ha dado cuenta q el vestido de brit esta roto bajo a axila izquierda??

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