Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating

Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to give a thanks,” Papa said while lifting Bertney out of the hamper she was hiding in. Bertney loved hiding.
“What does ‘thanks’ mean?” Bertney asked as she jumped for the can of whipped cream Papa held just out of reach. Why was he so tall?
“Thanks means you’re grateful for something. For example, I’m grateful to have such a sweet, talented daughter who makes lots and lots of money with her music.”
Bertney had no idea what Papa was saying, but maybe if she nodded enough, he’d give her back the whipped cream. Bertney really wanted that whipped cream. Why can’t he just give her the whipped cream?
“Now, listen, Bertney Jean,” Papa said in his serious voice. “Supper’s going to be soon, and I want you to be on your best behavior. I hired extra security, so let’s not repeat what happened last year, okay? I want to have a nice, safe family meal.”
“I promise, Papa!” Bertney said with a smile. She didn’t know what Papa meant about last year, but she did have a dream the other night about people in chef’s hats covered in ketchup and sleeping under the pool while a dancing turkey told her this is what happens if anyone but Bertney eats him. It was a silly dream.
After their talk, Papa left to make sure all the bodyguard men were ready for supper which gave Bertney plenty of time to tape forks to each of her fingers. This was going to be the best Thanksgiving dinner ever and she was going to make Papa very proud of her. And eat the most turkey.
“Eating the most turkey is the importantest part,” Bertney said to the China cabinet as she double-checked the tape on the forks. “No fear, no surrender,” Bertney said even more seriously.
“Alright, everyone,” Papa announced to the room. “Who’s ready to ea- son of a horse bitch, who let her near the forks?! Darts darts darts! Now!”
*SNIKT*
“Tuuuuuurrrkkeeeeeyyyy!”

*TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP*

Bertney didn’t know how she was standing on the table, or why she was holding a knife, but she did know that Jayden wasn’t Bertney and only Bertney can eat the turkey. Mr. GobbleClucks had been very specific in her vision, and Bertney was very glad she remembered her training. One clean swipe should remove Jayden’s hand-

*TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP*

“Papa, why am I on the couch? Did you use sleepy darts on me again?”
“No, Bertney, you ate the entire turkey after somehow breaking into my gun cabinet. That would be the tryptophan.”
“Oh. … Wait, are those mashed ‘tatoes? BACK THE FUCK UP, SEAN!”
“Bertney, put down the gun!”
“TATOOOOESSS!”

*TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP*

“Sir, you need to clear the house. I’m not sending my men in that kitchen until I know we’re not going to hit a civilian. Now, how close did you say she was to the pie?”
“I don’t even know anymore. She just moved so fast. My little Bertney just moved so fast. Those caterers had families…”
“Sir, I’m going to need you to calm dow- HOLY SHIT SHE’S CHARGING.”

*BRRRR-RRRRRR-RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-BRRRR-RRRR*

“Oh, god, she’s eating the flash bang! It fell in the whipped cream and she’s eating it!”

*BRRRR-RRRRRR-RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-BRRRR-RRRR*

“Ho ho ho ho! And what do you want for Christmas, little girl? It’s only three days away, you know?”
Bertney loved meeting Santa. He always very nice and asked her all kinds of questions about toys and the new dolls she really wanted. Sometimes Bertney wished she could marry Santa, but Papa always stopped her from buying plane tickets to the North Pole. She just wanted to see his house. And taste the candy cane stairs…
“She has that look in her eye! Santa, DUCK!”

*TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP* *TWHIP*

The End.

Don’t Let Your Child Fall Behind On Reading This Holiday. Pick Up A Bertney Story Today!

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