Bertney Gets Back To Work

August 18th, 2014 // 14 Comments

Bertney Gets Back To Work
A Jump Into Reading! Story For Summer Super Kids

Bertney had an extra fun summer vacation this year. She got to visit The Cheesecake Factory, get Boto-tox, and try on fancy britches that looked purty as pie when the nerdy man made pictures in the ‘puter box.
“Hows comes y’all can’t see me no more?” Bertney asked Papa.
“Well, that’s part a bein’ sexy, Bertney Jean,” Papa said. “Like how I tell ya to stop makin’ everyone pull your finger before Mr. David comes over. Boys like it when you’re not yourself.”
Bertney didn’t understand what Papa just said, which is all the time, she’ll tell you with a giggle, but she did understand the pulling her finger part and made a special brain memory to do it as soon as Papa left. But before she could remember her thought, it turned into a beautiful butterfly. Bertney loved butterflies.
Soon, Bertney found herself on stage in Lost Vegas again. She still doesn’t know why that keeps happening to her or where all these different clothes come from, but the dancers are always so nice even when she steps on their legs with a “CRACK!” or asks them, “What’cha all doin’?” in the middle of songs. They even let her hop on their backs for a piggy ride! Piggy rides are Bertney’s favorite, but Papa gets awfully mad if she does too many in the middle of a show.
“Bertney Jean,” he’ll say. “What’s the rule about piggyback rides?”
“Only two per show, Papa,” Bertney will answer sadly.
“And how many did you do tonight?”
“Firteen…”
“Oh, Bertney. You know I don’t like to do this.”
“I know, Papa. I’ll swaller my pills like a good girl. I don’t know what to make you ma-”
And just like that, Bertney found herself back on stage again! It was Fried Shrimp Thursday, but she could’ve sworn it was just Steak Sunday a minute ago. Was it normal for a person to lose whole days like that? Something didn’t quite seem right to Bertney, but those thoughts quickly ended when she noticed each basket of shrimp came with the most magical thing in the world.
“FURNCH FRIES!” Bertney yelled as she dove into the tables. Working like a grow’d up is the best job ever.

The End

Is Your Child Not Jumping Into Reading? Try Bertney Stories Today!

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Justine Bleeper

    These should be printed and illustrated and sold at 7-11s nationwide.

  2. Herkimer Battle Jitney

    These are always a delight. Just savagely mean spirited, but very funny in a way that jokes about a walking 5150 should not be.

  3. Forty eight 90 minute shows over each of the next two years at about $310,000 per show ($30,000,000), so long as she’ll “swaller my pills like a good girl…”

  4. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s not being paid enough.

  5. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Big big hair makes the torso look smaller.
    Every thinning trick in the world has been implemented at least once by the Spears handling team.

  6. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    MZ MIZRY
    Commented on this photo:

    its so good to see britney having fun again!
    so alive! so vibrant!
    so uh… medicated!

  7. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    zomgbie
    Commented on this photo:

    Britney Spears performs during her ‘Britney: How Did I Get Here??’ show at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Vegas. (August 16, 2014)

    fixed.

  8. But y’aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!

  9. Short Round

    How I missed these stories.

  10. It’s a bad thing when a performer looks like someone doing a “tribute to” that performer.

    • Depends on the tribute. Over the past 15 years, Aerosmith has been one of the best Aerosmith tribute bands, while Van Halen has been the worst Van Halen tribute band ever.

      • Marketing Mike

        Steve Tyler is as good a singer now, as he was 25 years ago,
        and Aero sounds almost exactly as they did in their prime. In
        contrast, Van Halen started coming apart in 1985 and it’s been
        like watching a plane crash for 28 years with no survivors.

      • Lies. Tyler’s voice is much rougher and tends to crack on the high notes. He’s still a good singer, but not nearly as good as he was back in the day.

  11. Robb7

    Sad, but funny shit!

  12. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Meshuggah Tits
    Commented on this photo:

    I assume the “Piece of Me” for this song is her muffin top.

  13. DiLo

    What in the fucking hell happened to her face?

  14. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Commented on this photo:

    “Have you ever been ridden like this?”
    “Not by a woman.”

  15. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Commented on this photo:

    She just realized her career peaked over fifteen years ago.

  16. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Commented on this photo:

    “Give it up ladies and gentlemen for the masturbating jedi!”

  17. Britney Spears Derpface Britney Piece of Me Planet Hollywood Show
    Commented on this photo:

    “Stop grunting and moaning, I’m not that fat. Now carry me!”

  18. anonym

    her nose looks different

  19. Britney’s looking a bit thick around the middle and is losing some of her sex appeal. I’m thinking it might be time for her to consider retirement, at least from live performances, before everyone starts laughing at her. I’d still fuck her though.

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