Ben Affleck Got A Muscle Car

“Why’s there’s always so many gawd-damn people at gawd-damn Pinkberry? C’MAHN!”

I’m going to get real for a minute. I’m 35-years-old, and I’m fucking terrified of hitting 40 because I constantly see dudes devolving into teenagers when it comes to dating, or they’re sitting online frothing at the mouth about the slightest whiff of social progress thanks to a misplaced notion that they were once King of The Jungle and/or because they think that’s why their ex-wife somehow got half of their marital assets. (Or slightly more because she’s taking care of the kids. My god, what a bitch.) Which is why it’s even more depressing to see Ben Affleck, an A-list Hollywood actor with the world at his fingertips, succumb to the same macho bullshit and buy a $90,000 muscle car not even two weeks after filing for divorce. Yesterday, I used a coupon at the bookstore. A coupon. What chance do I even have? *sees kid walking down the street* HEY! WHERE’S YOUR GENDERQUEER BEST FRIEND IN A WHEELCHAIR, SKINNY JEANS?! No, wait, it’s not time yet. It’s not time!

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Photos: AKM-GSI