Just Kidding! Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner Are Still Divorcing

Who’s that finger aimed at? My life. My entire life.

Earlier in the week, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner called off their divorce, which is apparently not the case. Because now you can’t go anywhere without seeing reports that the divorce is still on. TMZ reports:

Jen was out shopping in Brentwood with one of her kids. Sources with direct knowledge of the divorce say it is “very much on.”
Ben’s been MIA since the Oscars. He and Jen get along and are committed to strong co-parenting, but we’re told there’s no talk of reconciliation and the divorce is moving along.

As for what went wrong, I’m going to assume banging the nanny the second they separated and getting a tattoo that basically says, “Hello, my wife Jennifer Gahnah is a pile of ashes, and I’m a fackin’ bird flyin’ out of those ashes because I’m so gahddamn awesome,” probably had something to do it. Then again, there are women who let Dan Bilzerian use their butt as a table while he has sex with other women in a hot tub full of chlamydia, so what the fuck do I know? Ben Affleck could be doing everything right, and the problem is he’s not being enough of an asshole.

“Chahleen, I know things have been rough between us, so I got us some new furnichah for the livin’ room. It’s made outta hookahs.”
“Oh, Ben. You finally figured it out!”
“I lahve ya. And may have gotten that one pregnant. — Don’t fackin’ wave! You’re an ottoman!”

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